Panda Express - you've changed ...

As a kid, I remember loading up in our parent's van and driving to the Panda Express off of Aurora, the one run by old man Yu. Of course, back then, crap ... it was real panda ... and it was really fast service. That was the essence of Panda Express when it first opened - heck, old Yu would let you choose your own baby panda to fry up, you could choose them from behind the glass, in the ornamental (fake) bamboo village Yu kept them in.

But something happened ...

Old man Yu is gone now - and the Panda Express no longer serves panda, nor does it serve much else that quickly ...

I guess people got upset about eating panda, maybe, but this gets worse ...

It turns out in the mid-1980's, the Xiaolin Corporation of China, formed under Deng, bought Panda Express and decided to find a cheaper and more acceptable alternative meat product-substance - it just so happens that the Antarctic polar bear (now extinct and forgotten) had a very similar meat taste and consistency to panda bear. So, they decided to harvest the Antarctic polar bear, and then to participate in a cover-up campaign to convince the world that "NO, there AIN'T NEVER BEEN NO POLAR BEAR in ANTARCTICA!". But we know the truth, don't we?

By the mid-1990's, the Xiaolin Corp (now known as T-MOBILE), had eviscerated the population of polar bear at the South Pole, and every one of them was now dead ... gone ... eaten ... in some Panda Express entree (or frozen entree that you can buy conveniently at Walmart).

In 1995, people living in Chile and Argentina could hear the cries of the dying, murdered, polar bear - their screams, and the fires of the dead carcasses that were left after the prime meat was taken, shook the night ... so many terrible things happened to those poor innocent polar bears, so sad.

At this point, Xiaolin Corp needed a plan C ...

The Plan C, also known as "PLAN-ZED-5612-ALPHA-66", involved designing a new synthetic molecule, that was water soluble, and could easily bind to taste and smell additives. The molecule itself had little or no nutritional value, and broke down into components almost immediately upon ingestion by the customer. This is why, when you eat at Panda Express, you never poop ... no poop. The Panda Express entree comes out as byproducts in your urine, causing less damage to the liver, more damage to the kidneys.

Every component of a Panda Express meal now, even the "vegetables", are really just injection molded simulacra of actual food. Recently, the FDA had a judge issue a cease and desist order, demanding that the word "food" no longer show up in any materials printed by Panda Express - the word food must be gone from all of their marketing materials by 2021.

So that kind of sucks ...

There ain't no more polar bears in Antarctica ...

And Panda Express, she ain't what she used to be ...

(no way, no how)