Franklin Graham: “Trump’s Affair With Stormy Daniels Doesn’t Count Cause It Was Awesome!”

Washington D.C.—

Speaking at a prayer breakfast in the White House this morning, Franklin Graham delivered an introductory speech in praise of President Donald Trump’s personal behavior focused on Christ.

The Halfway Post was on scene to capture audio from the exclusive event, which is transcripted below:

“Thank you, everyone, for coming. I know it’s early. I would like to kick things off by saying thank you to Donald Trump. No president in US history has ever lived the Gospels so determinedly as you, sir. I know there is a big mess going on right now with this Stormy Daniels affair, but let me just assure you that the Lord is not worried about trivial, hilariously awesome stuff like that. Now if you had had an affair with a gay man, baby Jesus would be livid. If you had made out with a man and caressed his nipples, and licked his neck, and tongued down his back and bulging lats and following down the thick grooves of his adonis belt and back around toward his plump butt cheeks—oompfh, don’t let me get carried away—but, yeah, if Stormy was a man we would have a problem. The Bible doesn’t condone steamy man-on-man action. But the Bible, if you ask me, is conspicuously silent on the issue of porn stars. The ancient Israelites couldn’t even imagine video pornography as a means for dating. The best they had were simplistic drawings on their urns and vases. And they had arranged marriages because daughters and women were property in those days. The good ol’ days if you ask me. So let me assure you, Donald, that God and baby Jesus are A-ok with you and Stormy. That’s between you, Stormy, and the Holy Ghost. Like, if you were eating shrimp at the same time, Leviticus might have a bone to pick with you, but as long as you weren’t being penetrated over and over by a girthy, veiny, 8-inch magnificent penis….[Graham paused here for about 20 seconds as he gripped the podium until his knuckles turned white] …it’s totally 100% fine that you were cheating on your third wife. You can take that to the bank. No one knows more about the Bible than me. I am the biggest expert on sola scriptura in the world, and I inherited that from my dad. Yep. I may read the Bible with absolutely no historical, critical, or literary context, and with total disregard for any information that’s even remotely contextually inconsistent with the blanket ideological interpretation I have dogmatically applied to Evangelism for political expediency, but that’s all that matters! That’s the best part of being an Evangelical! I can read the Bible one time and believe with the confidence of a terrorist that it means whatever I want it to mean! Sola scriptura, one scripture! Even the wildest and most uneducated interpretation of merely one Biblical sentence allows me to guiltlessly argue that the Bible says whatever I wanted it to say before I even opened it up! So thank you, Trump! And let me just say, that however awful your personal and professional behavior becomes, I will find a Bible verse somewhere that clears you of all wrongdoing! So you can just keep ruining American democracy, and let me worry about spinning Jesus’ words to absolve you of your sins. As long as you keep giving us Christian-fundamentalist-leaning Supreme Court justices who will one day convert America’s judiciary into an Evangelical theocracy, I will endure literally any amount of stunning hypocrisy to back you up. Thank you, Mr. President. Uh… now I guess it’s time for the prayer. Um, Dear God, thanks for my millions of dollars that come from poor people buying my books, and for giving me the wisdom to realize that, instead of giving away my knowledge for free like Jesus would have done, that I could make a shit ton of money selling Christianity for a profit instead. And thank you for Donald Trump. Amen!”