Sallie Mae To Start Breaking Knee Caps

As a student you’ve heard of the ruthless crime syndicate in charge of your current loan situation: Sallie Mae. Or, in layman’s terms: “that bitch I owe money to.” For years Sallie Mae has been swindling students with her tantalizing, deceitful student loans. When you graduate, this blood-sucking scholastic succubus will find and bill you with an average of $40,000 plus interest. For those of you disinterested in having your finances gutted like a fish there is hope in Sallie Mae’s new payment program: Knee Interest.

Like the name implies, Knee Interest is a system in which your kneecaps literally take the hit for interest payments. Here is how it works: depending on how much interest you owe every month, Sallie Mae will strike you with a certain object to the knee caps with a varying degree of force.

“It all depends on how much pain you’re willing to receive,” said Alissa Mae, the CEO of Sallie Mae and great-granddaughter of the original Sallie Mae. “When my great-grandmother started this gang she only had a tommy gun and a dream: to hurt nerds. Now we have over 10 million people that owe us a collection of over 180 billion dollars. With this new payment plan we can continue her dream and get back to our roots.”

So far, Alissa has opened Sallie Mae booths on campuses in 18 states. The first opened at the University of Minnesota, a university with over 50,000 students who presumably owe more money than they should. We asked a few students how they felt about the new program and received mix feedback.

“It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be,” said Nick Ravera, an econ major from the College of Liberal Arts. After finding the conveniently-placed Sallie Mae booth, Nick was educated on the concept of Knee Interest. “I only owed about 10 grand so they used a 2×4 at a moderate swing.” Rivera later explained some of his friends didn’t share his enthusiasm. “My pal had it rough; he owed $30,000 so they use a sledge hammer with a running start.” After some searching we found that in extreme cases of students owing more than $50,000, a falling anvil is used.

“We get wackier the more you owe,” Alissa admitted. When asked about the ethics and moral problems involved with coercing and harming the future leaders of the world Alissa had this to say, “I think most students prefer this ‘Knee Interest’ alternative. By allowing them this choice, students have the ability to take charge of their finances as well as distinguish themselves as graduates. You won’t see the pathetic hobble our customers earn from just anyone. Only graduates from a four-year institutions will have this distinguishing limp. In a few years when you go down to Wall Street or Capitol Hill, instead of seeing youths with a spring in their step, you’re going to see people hobbling along.”

Alissa says she hopes to increase the program to all 50 states and increase the program’s potential. Regardless, Knee Interest is a program that is certain to succeed. With “pain-only” interest payments, students are still required to repay original loans. Which means that people are going to literally be crippled by their debt for a long time coming.