[Satire] The Word of Steven, Greatest Human Being Ever to Exist

I come to you as a devoted follower of Steven bearing his word, that whomever will humble himself and accept these truths might be saved.

The world is certain to end very soon! Steven didn't say exactly how soon, but he did specify that it will happen before the original followers of Steven have died of old age. If it doesn't occur by then, interpret this and all similar statements to mean something else.

To be saved from this event, you should sell or give away all of your worldly possessions. This only coincidentally renders you dependent on the group and unable to easily leave it should you experience doubts.

Speaking of doubts, they are caused by the invisible monster Groblax. Any time you see or hear something that makes you doubt the greatness of Steven, it is Groblax conspiring to trick you and deprive you of your great reward.

So when in doubt, "doubt your doubts". Do not lean on your own understanding. There is a way that looks right to a man, but leads to death. None of this is at all intended to disarm your reasoning faculties to prevent them from being used to disconvince yourself of Stevenism, even remotely.

There are some even in your own family who may be fooled by Groblax, and will try to stop you from selling your possessions and leaving your old life behind to follow Steven. It may be painful, but you must cut them out of your life. Blessed by Steven be those who leave their jobs and families to follow him.

Steven comes not only to make peace but to turn us against one another. The members of your own household will become your enemies! But remember, your father is not your real father, so do not call him that.

Your real father is Steven, who dwells in the great beyond. So if any member of your family speaks ridiculous Groblax lies, like "Steven is a cult leader", discontinue communication with them and devote yourself to following Steven.

Trust that your family will come to recognize Steven's greatness in time, so that you might see them in the great beyond when you receive your reward. After all, everyone has a Steven shaped hole in their heart, some simply don't yet know how badly they need Steven.

The great reward is everything you most dearly want. Those ones you love who have died will be with you again. In a perfect paradise that is greater than you can imagine. This no doubt powerfully motivates you to believe, and to fear your doubts, as well you should!

But death beyond death is what awaits those who let Groblax trick them into denying the greatness of Steven. You will be cast into darkness, the frozen rocky endless plain of sorrow and regret. You will never be reunited with your dear departed loved ones, that reward is only for those who dutifully worship Steven and believe in his greatness. Surely this deters you from thinking too seriously about pernicious anti-Steven arguments, as now you know the risk you run by doing so.

There are many ways we can know Steven is the great one who designed all of nature. For one thing, Steven is recorded in the Stevenomicon and nowhere else as having performed many supernatural feats in public, witnessed by large crowds!

There are also numerous prophecies recorded in one part of the Stevenomicon which are then recorded as having been fulfilled in another part of the Stevenomicon, by authors wholly unbiased and without a horse in this race. Do not be troubled by the fact that these prophecies are not recorded as having been fulfilled in any period literature not written by early Stevenists. This is another of Groblax's deceptions.

Incidentally, if ever evidence is discovered that indicates nature was not intelligently designed, it is probably a Groblax deception. Unless the evidence becomes really overwhelming to where it is no longer possible to deny. In that case, whatever the explanation is, that is what was written in the Stevenomicon all along, encoded into metaphor.

The trick is to interpret the Stevenomicon in the mindset that it cannot be wrong, so wherever it appears to be, the problem is with your interpretation. It should be reinterpreted however is necessary to render it correct. This is an honest, objective practice and not in the least self-serving.

Do not be discouraged by the fact that Steven died. As recorded in the Stevenomicon and nowhere else, he rose from the dead! He will return very, very soon. Before this generation has died out. We are at the time of writing in the final hour, as confirmed by the preponderance of anti-Stevens, exactly as Steven predicted.

This is how we know the end is imminent. Knowing this, do not marry if you can avoid it, as there is no time for a future together, Steven is coming back imminently. Unless he doesn't in which case re-interpret all the verses where he said he was to mean "thousands of years in the future" even though no verse supports such a long wait.

But, because the end is so near, you should be powerfully motivated go out into the world to propagate Stevenism, to save as many unenlightened fools as possible. Target little children especially with "Saturday Schools", private Stevenist education, homeschooling and after-school evangelism clubs to get at the kids in secular non-Stevenist schools too.

Do this because children easily believe whatever an adult tells them as they haven't yet developed critical thinking faculties. Which is to say their hearts are not yet hardened to the truth. Target also those in prison, and other situations where they are emotionally vulnerable and desperate for comfort, as surely they are in the best possible position to critically evaluate the claims of Stevenism and dispassionately determine whether they are true.

You now know everything you need to be saved by Steven from a danger we learned of from Steven. Don't be disheartened when puppets of Groblax spout their lies, like "Stevenism is just information structured in such a way as to strongly motivate people to propagate it as widely as possible and to thwart all efforts to remove it by making people afraid and deeply suspicious of contrary information, like a computer virus but for human brains".

Such lies becoming commonplace only proves the end times are at hand, in which those nasty naysayers who trouble you, and all enemies of Steven and his loyal followers will be torn apart, burnt, shit on and sent to the bad place in what may superficially resemble a revenge fantasy and the use of fear to condition you never to doubt Stevenism but is really crucial information for your own benefit.

If you have read and understood this warning, then accept you are worthless without Steven, invite him into your heart to redeem your wretched self, then worship him forever. Tirelessly strive to convince as many other people as you can to also worship Steven! Spread the Stevenomicon all over the world! Never stop believing in the greatness of Steven or you'll suffer eternally after death!

Or, believe in the greatness of Steven until you die and be rewarded with everything you ever wanted, unverifiably, after your death! And you should be aggressive and determined in all of this, knowing it is urgent, because of how soon the world will end! So sayeth Steven, designer of nature, inventor of morality, origin of all love and greatest human ever to live, according to the Stevenomicon.