Getting to yes

It is shortsighted to consider a negotiation as a factual discussion between perfectly rational individuals. In negotiations, there is never one reality; there are always at least two subjective interpretations of reality. Both sides always bring their personalities, experiences, values and emotions to the table.

Every negotiation actually happens on two distinct levels: the level of factual arguments, and the level of human perceptions and emotions.

It’s never possible to completely separate these two levels, of course, but keep in mind that there’s always an interpersonal level at play in addition to the facts, and that this can be the source of many conflicts or misunderstandings.

This is why negotiators should always separate the factual level of an argument from the interpersonal level. If you want to negotiate successfully, always remain on the level of facts.

Of course, this only works if both sides are willing to approach the problem rationally rather than emotionally. This means both have to see each other as partners striving for a win-win solution, not as enemies in a battle that only one side can win.

Ideally, you should both distance yourselves from the topic at hand and look at it together from a somewhat neutral perspective. Sometimes it helps to simply sit on the same side of the table. This way, the issue is no longer perceived as a battle between you but rather as a problem on the table in front of you, and one that can be solved together.

Fight the problem, not the person you’re negotiating with.

Often people’s main drivers are their basic needs for recognition, control, security, and belonging. If you don’t know what is driving the other person, ask them

Before you search for solutions, understand both parties’ underlying interests.

To do this, you must first of all listen. Don’t hear only what you want to hear but what the other person is really saying. An easy tool is to rephrase what you hear: “If I understand you correctly, your point of view is….” This way, you show that you’re listening, and you avoid misunderstandings from the very start because the other person can immediately clarify if something has been misunderstood.

Once you’ve understood the position of the other person, state what your own interests are. Don’t talk about what you consider to be their mistakes and fallacies in his position; instead, talk about your own expectations and hopes.

Never respond emotionally, but, when necessary, give the other person space to vent their anger or other emotions. When such emotions arise, explain them; e.g., “I see why you are angry, and I myself was disappointed because….”

The goal is always to bring the discussion to the level of facts and to keep the discussion flowing. Silence is the end of every negotiation.

Negotiation is communication: listen and stick to talking about facts.

Don’t consider conflicts a zero-sum game. Avoid trench warfare and instead try to understand and address the underlying interests of all parties. Stick to the facts, remember you’re dealing with humans, and stay open-minded when it comes to solutions.