It has been a while.

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My running regimen now consists of 4 miles a day, with one day off every week, and a long run on the weekend. This weekend--perhaps Sunday--I will attempt to do an 8 mile run (cue inspirational Eminem music) which would be a personal "distance record" for me.

The marathon in October is coming up fast, and I am honestly a bit spooked by how fast it is coming up, and how far I have yet to go training-wise to be truly prepared. The fire under my ass it lit. 🔥 Now, to overcome the depression that so often keeps me in bed or full of crippling self-doubt, and as such, keeps me not running.

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Mental discipline.

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For those of you who have struggled with extreme feelings of neurotic guilt, shame, and self-blame, you know how hard it is to get up and get moving sometimes. Laying in bed the other day, mind occupied by all kinds of crippling feelings, and stomach and physiology equally upset, I thought:

I am being controlled by this. I should be playing with my son. I should be doing something I want to do. Instead I am lying here thinking about how my life is "ruined" by my most recent perceived "mistake" and am paralyzed by doubt, fear, guilt, and an extreme sense of hopelessness and futility.

I felt an anger rise inside of me and said FUCK THIS. Maybe I feel this way but am I in control of my life or these feelings? Either act or don't act. If your perceived problem is real, take steps to solve it. If it is not, let it go. What good is it doing to sit in the middle in misery and not get anything done, and thus making the future even more stressful and potentially problematic?

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Running is my new church.

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Yesterday it wasn't Tony Robbins or any other motivational speaker. It wasn't "Jesus." It wasn't "God." It wasn't "motivation." It wasn't even "self-discipline" as much as the substance of self-discipline itself, and anger, which is all reflective of, and stems from this truth:

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Just saying to yourself: I cannot solve this mental dilemma right now, but I can continue taking actions that can lead me to my goal, even though I feel this discomfort, is huge. Pounding the pavement and talking to myself all the while put me back in a better place last night.

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Yesterday's Run:

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DISTANCE: 4 miles
THEME SONG: "Truth Hits Everybody" - The Police

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PLAYLIST SO FAR:

"Under the Pressure" - The War on Drugs
"Somewhere" - Soundgarden
"Owner of a Lonely Heart" - Yes
"Rose Garden" - Lynn Anderson
"Napalm Love" - Air
"Lips Like Sugar" - Echo and the Bunnymen
"Truth Hits Everybody" - The Police

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Back at it again tonight. Remember folks, be kind to yourselves, and don't let your own brain and programming rob you of your power and enjoyment when it comes to your own life.

(If you missed the last MARATHON BLOG post, you can find it HERE)

~KafkA

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Graham Smith is a Voluntaryist activist, creator, and peaceful parent residing in Niigata City, Japan. Graham runs the "Voluntary Japan" online initiative with a presence here on Steem, as well as Facebook and Twitter. (Hit me up so I can stop talking about myself in the third person!)