So You Want To Own A Restaurant - Blog Entry 5

Right now there is only one thing. I am sitting at a table eating tacos.

It's funny how it goes sometimes... funny how as we learn to harness entanglement (for better and worse) and look with astonishment and appreciation at so many modern accomplishments we tend to ignore the intuitive sense our ancestors carried and some of our peers still carry in their everyday lives. What appears to be a superstitious response to the unknown seems to more and more be validated by modern technical discovery.

How odd is it I might be scrolling through suggested friends on Facebook that I come across one of the many who hurt me as a child, and this on the day my son and daughter's high school was under threat of attack from some other unhappy kid with whom I identify completely.

How strange is it that just this morning I was talking with one of the guys at the restaurant about the threat and about the feelings that go along with that kind of rage and anger only to see his name as I looked through the list? How many times have I thought about him and the the other one.. the one who held me down? How many times have I wondered what became of them or the others? How many times have I felt the presence of the only friend who had my back during those awful years? How many times have I felt the anger?

That anger... that rage... it is indescribable. It is all encompassing. It becomes a reason to keep going when the only other way out is intolerable or too scary. I held on to it like a baby holds onto a blanket and I nursed it the way a mother feeds her infant day in and day out.

Letting go has been a lifelong process and it is not over. As soon as I saw the name I began ruminating about the various ways I could hurt him and I fantasized in the same old way, screaming "I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU ANYMORE!" as I stomp his head into the pavement beneath my feet.

The same feelings and thoughts but with maybe just a degree or two less heat and the ability to pull myself out and to recognize them as a the self-taught and self-destructive response of a child who had no other way to move forward.
We can say whatever we like about the kids who lose control and fully give-in to this kind of rage - and we are right to hold them accountable. But we are wrong to assume it comes from a vacuum. These kids have been hurt by someone else. It may be another kid or kids. It may be by an adult. It doesn't matter.

What does matter is that these kids are getting hurt and don't believe there is anywhere to turn. Their only solace is the constant companion that lives and grows with them as they suffer one violation after another. We label them as anti-social but how could they be anything else? How can they be sociable in a group of kids who harbor, defend and support their attackers? How can we expect them to respond "normally" when they know the next outrage is waiting for them just around the corner after school?

This kid. I don't know him by name or face or particular circumstance and yet I feel like I know him just the same. I want to tell him that he will not always feel weak and alone and afraid. I want to tell him that his innocence is a treasure and that the encroaching bitterness is not his friend but rather an addictive crutch that will collapse underneath him and stop working just as every addiction stops working after awhile. I want to tell him that life is good and worth living and I want to tell him with a genuine confident smile on my face rather than with tears in my eyes.

I still have a long way to go. My friend is still with me. I cannot yet bring myself to forgive the shitty fucks who hurt me as a child, but I can see how to do so would be better for me and them and for the people I love. I'll keep working on that.

In the meantime, I will sit and finish my tacos.

It is the only thing right now.