Further Breakthru - 2 hour convo with elementary chum + Industrial Playlist

Had an interesting chat with my friend from Elementary school. It was when I first came to live with my dad after being in a group home from being apprehended by the government from my moms mental instability tendencies. He remembered the first day I came to school. There was guy in the classrooom lets say Joe who lived in more of an upper part of town and this old friend lets call him Trevor. I never met these guys before. So Joe looks at Trevor and says hey look at this new guy I bet you can beat him up. I guess they just said that to test my reaction. Well I shoved the desk and ran out of the room. I had high anxiety and was expressive of it. Trevor would be my friend though after that. He didn't like the way a group of guys stood around me taunting me around that time.

So my conversation with him last night went on for 2 hours. I don't want to get into it at all except to say that it helped remind me of more stories from my childhood and all that. It's good for my trip and for writing! I was traumatized from my moms freaked out paranoia and the alienating effects of culture. As a kid I was able to bear witness more than being subjected although I wasn't able to think outside of my moms narrative. Still I could sense it wasn't exactly right. My moms paranoid trip made me wary of believing anything..even her very own fears and delusions. In a way it was a source of protection. To not believe the t.v., don't believe what the school, church or government tells you.

In a real way I know she is right too! In a way culture looked like people just playing charades, playing doctor, playing house, but no one was actually doing their part for real. I could sense the fakeness, and that's actually what freaked me out all along! Don't panic!! No one is in control!!! Now what is a kid suppossed to think or feel - Wheres the love? Where is everybody? Help I'm alone, this is helpless! but I'm so pissed off so I can have real hope cause I remember how I got here. I learned not to be subjected in mind even if I had to live in and through sketchy situations. I was able to seperate but not in a numbing dissociative way. I wanted to be fully there. To know! For survival! and also Thrival!! A happy home ya know!? I still had identity issues. Our family was isolated away from the world in a way. I would always ask all sorts of people questions even if my mom was afraid and told me to look down and not talk to people.

Through all my moms stories you did feel special in a way. Like you had some secret knowledge others didn't have as much access too. But because you had special knowledge you were vulnerable from spies and doctors who could deem you crazy for speaking out and erase your mind, perhaps turn you into a sex machine before they eat you. ;) After they extract your dna so they can make a genetically modified creature who will live on in tormented experience.

But yea moms right! Unfortunately it is not a conspiracy and people actually believe the stories they tell themselves as reality! Even a borrowed narrative from culture. A so called schizophrenic cannot have delusions outside their culture. Aliens, cloning, microchiping, hidden microphones....it's all from cultures myths!! From movies even! Myths are based in aspects of reality. You need to tell stories and have stereotypes in order to think. So it goes the question - what kind of stories are worth telling and what do current stereotypes tell us about current mythologies of the culture. What does it say about our ways of social relating and modes of being? I say paranoid v.s. polite society take your pick

I still have The Voice! retained from childhood! It's kinda like how I can cross my legs over top of the other leg and suck in my stomach!! Retained from childhood! They are actual yoga moves and I never knew yoga back then! I am yoga! I can embody The Voice! I still am on the secret mission my mom told me about!! I was listening to more industrial music and it really helped that spot! It was a song about War I think... a voice in the mix mentioned Mothers Vengeance! Perfect. I just throw in some Velvet Acid Christ into google play and it works the magic! - https://play.google.com/music/preview/Ty5clppqjpny23eo6opqyxqghda?t=War_-_Wumpscut

I feel super awesome! The music, the old friend, remembering my mission! Feeling great like I has something to offer! I can be a best friend to my own self throughout life too! Glad I could be wary from my uncomfortable upbringing, it made me question and I'm not afraid. Help the people know how to answer a kids reasonable questions, don't tell them to shut up or shun them...so that you may learn something...perhaps something forgotten that you never really lost. I'm fighting for life and can use all the help I can get.