Theophobia

definition: "fear of the wrath of god."

I did this acrylic painting as a tribute of sorts to the Christ Pantocreator Byzantine icon, first and oldest of its kind, from St Catherine's monastery in Sinai.
I was looking up where the original of this one was displayed and went to the Wikipedia article on it, where I found this amazing photoshop rendering of the original, where the artist first took the left side of the painting and mirrored it and then took the right side and mirrored it.

By Anonymous - [1], Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=489650

Evidently, this icon was intentionally created with a "2-face" effect to display both the human and divine aspects of Jesus.
So, unknown to me as I was painting my version of this, I was latching onto the "divine" side of the original painting without even being aware that this was an intentional effect the original artist created.
I grew up Roman Catholic: and not just Sunday Catholic.
We went to daily mass, I was an altar boy, and the Sunday masses we attended were in full Latin.
We were the black belts of the Catholic Church.
Needless to say I was deeply immersed in Catholic culture and along with it, the art and history.
The art had the most profound impact on me.
An old Catholic cathedral is an overpowering experience to walk into.
I won't mention any specifically (since the European Steemians can do so much better than I could with what is available here in the historically constrained U.S.)
However, I did go on a pilgrimage to Italy as a child, and toured all of the major Catholic cathedrals and historical sites.
A cathedral can be a sensual experience that engages every sense.
There is the thunder of organ music filling the towering vaulted ceiling.
Outside light has been filtered through stained glass, creating a feel of stepping into a different world.
Giant paintings and sculptures depicting religious narratives tower above you.
The sweet smell of incense fills the air.
If you are lucky the angelic symphonics of a Gregorian chant choir might be filling the space after the thunder of the organ subsides.

By Anonymous - [1], Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=489650

To a young mind, the whole experience was at times overwhelming.
It wasn't just sensory overload: it was the weight of the religious message that swung behind it.
We learned about god's love, but more importantly what we were taught to live was the fear of god.
We counted our every wrong-doing obsessively, so that we could recite them to a priest in a confessional and only hope that god could forgive us if our hearts were truly contrite.
Every day was filled with private prayers: endless rosaries and acts of contrition, doing penance for our sins, hoping to avoid both the fire of hell and the pains of purgatory.
The majority of my childhood was spent in fear of an unknown, and self-loathing.
It wasn't until I went to war and experienced what true fear, horror, and despair were that I was able to shake the weight of Catholicism off of my conscience.
It was an ugly way of waking up: the nearest analogy I can think of is the movie Ten Cloverfield Lane,
(SPOILER ALERT)
where after waking up with amnesia, imprisoned by a deranged survivalist in a bunker, the woman manages to escape only to find out that the horrors the lunatic was raving about, lurking outside, were actually true.

https://dailydead.com/10-cloverfield-lane-blu-ray-dvd-digital-hd-release-details-cover-art/

(If you are a John Goodman fan, you must watch this movie.)
The US Marines have an interesting way of dealing with stress and horrifying circumstances: humor.
You probably would need to know a US Marine to understand what I am referring to, but there is a common trend of what might be viewed as sick and twisted humor that runs among leathernecks, and like everything that gets attributed to Marines, they wear it like a badge of honor.
I actually just had a US Marine join the World of Warcraft guild I run, who illustrated this point as he was talking me through the perverted character names he had and ended with "yep, I got a sick sense of humor! But, you get it doc." ("Doc" referring to his knowledge of me being a corpsman of marines).
And yes I do get it. And I would recommend it to everyone.
Life sucks on so many levels, for just about everyone.
Sometimes you can run away from your fears and sometimes you can't.
For those who can't run from their fears: you can make your fears a lot smaller by laughing at them.