Overcoming Emotional Toxicity in a Relationship - Is it Possible?

Determining what is abuse and what is typical discord within a relationship isn't always simple. Sure, we can say that if your partner raises their voice, if they are too forceful if they turn the tables in an argument and make you feel like you are always at fault, that the partner is controlling. Another may disagree with your assessment though, and perhaps, in seeing that there are perhaps multiple contributing factors, one could say that there are two parties both in the wrong, but maybe not all in the wrong. Still yet, you could also say that you are in a difficult place and have the faith to get over the issues, through counseling or other means.

The truth is in any case here, a change has to be made because there was the initial thought. There was something that made you click onto this article. Whether it was a reflection of your own relationship, one you have had in the past or even because interest is piqued because you thought of another person. The fact is, abusive relationships aren't all that uncommon and you've likely witnessed or been a part of more than one in your own life.

So, think to this relationship. What do you think or did you think at first, the real problem was. How long did it take you to come to a concluion as to who was at fault? Were you confused about the person's actions? Do you have a difficult time sorting out what is wrong and what is right, in regards to an individual's behavior.

Do you feel that you understood the difference between assertive or an asshole? Emotionally distant or emo determined? There is a lot that makes up our moods, out outlook and our interpretation of behaviors. These factors make up the part of the much larger issue at hand...

How Can I Find Bliss with My Boyfriend (or Girlfriend, Spouse, Life Partner)?

Whatever you call your honey, know that there isn't anything in this life that is built to last. We always end up changing. Humanity, much like life itself, abhors a vacuum. People specifically, can get nervous and angsty without something to do. Even the most perfect of relationships will go through patches, either growing pains or breakdowns, that will turn the dynamic from what it is to something else.

Successful pairings, in my experience, tend to be between people that are:

• Aware of the emotions
• Patient to accept others on their path as they are
• Don't want to change their partner
• Understand their own limitations
• Confident in their own abilities

How many people do you know like that?

The fact is, it takes quite a lot to maintain a healthy relationship for most people. This isn't merely because relationships are hard, specifically. With the right two people, things can be great. But, finding that pairing, that can be the difficult part.

The rest of us have to find a decent match, that we can work with to create the bond between an ideal pairing. It's not impossible, but it definitely takes some effort to do it well. For many, as they reach this point of understanding, it seems impossible. Moods sink and depression sets in, with a feeling of never getting it right.

The most important thing that you can do is to value yourself, know that you are worth it and don't give up on the pursuit of finding your bliss.

Getting to the Root of a Problem

Automatically, we like to throw around words like abuser or narcissist . These terms are technical terms, not to be used lightly. They are also used inaccurately in many situations. When this happens, it becomes difficult to treat or assist a person. They can become pigeon-holed into a behavior that they are labeled with.

Would it surprise you to know that arguing, even heated arguing, is pretty common for many relationships?

The truth is, some fighting seems to be healthy. Couples bicker. People don't see eye to eye. This alone doesn't make a relationship toxic or abusive. However, with a lack of understanding due to minimal education, misunderstandings, temper flares or even underlying resentment, there are a lot of mental and spiritual health conditons that can get in the way of compassionate. When this happens, we tend to act outside of our moral discord, as well asbegin to not take the relationship more seriously. It's a silly process but one theory about it is that over time, as you get more comfortable, you forget to give the person in your life, the attention that they deserve. For many of us, tied to considering the feelings of others, the long term implications and teaching this information without cracking a person almost seems impossible! But I know that it is not

It took me a long time to see oh sides. In truth, how do I know that i am not seeing only of the part of the picture? Am I sure that the view I have now is right?

NO!

But I am sure of a few things. More accurately, I am aware. I find routinely, when students come in to talk with or about their spouse it is all about trying to identify who is right and who said the right thing first. It's a primitive way for attention, but it also has definitive results. A person may not be able to control fire but they can definitely fuel it.

Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

If you are in a relationship and you have asked yourself during any of this, whether or not you are in something that is toxic, a good rule of thumb is to assume there is something toxic about your relationship. That being said, this doesn't mean the relationship is bad. It means that improvements are needed. The question is, are you willing to make needed changes? Can you look and see how any of it is your fault.

Questions to Ask Yourself When Fighting With Your Partner

If you find you'rer in yet another fight with yoru partner, you now have a new option you didn't have before. You have a template and a guide. I am working to get this on Steem, but for now I will simply outline the questions you want to be mindful of. Journal your observations down over the next few fights you have and begin to take notes.

Defining Abuse

Today, I found this meme and it made me think. Once upon a time, I would have bought this. I mean, it sounds good. it sounds abusive. But it leaves a lot out. It leaves out the insidious and subversive effects that can be confused with the more commonplace toxicity.

In my experience, this is a fraction of emotional abuse. it isn't only started by screaming. It is started by neglect. It is started by overcompensation. It is started by silence and talking sweetly in front of cameras. The definition is, to get a clear vocabulary set up:

Psychological abuse (also referred to as psychological violence, emotional abuse, or mental abuse) is a form of abuse, characterized by a person subjecting, or exposing, another person to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder.

So, what does this mean?

It means that in the following scenarios if you're the offending party, you should at least check the motivations of your actions.

If you know that your behavior is causing someone distress to the point of trauma, if they are fearful because of your behaviors, such as yelling at them and calling them names. If you flirt with the waiter when your partner is right there in front of you. If you are watching porn and it is causing your partner conflicted pain and you continue to do it, they continue to react and they are obviously uncomfortable to the point of true fear then you are participating in the abuse. If they plunge into insecurity then you continue what makes them sink, openly and unabashedly, then you are causing this trauma. You may not be an abuser, but chances are that you are part of the abuse cycle.

Don't be upset. The good news is that you can stop. You can change. You can improve you situation because if you can identify your own part in the cycle and you have a desire for things to improve, you can take control in this area. Essentially, you have something to do about the issue. Often, that is all that is required to change a toxic relationship into a healthier one.

In a situation, the human mind can either rise up, it can meet the challenge, try to communicate and try to work through it. But this is almost impossible. Most people aren't going to be responsible enough to recognize their own flaws. They won't own them and they shuffle them to the other person. Then what you have is this tug of war of toxicity that breeds and grows. Eventually one or both people due.

That seems so weak sauce to me. I mean, I get the first time you do this. You let a relationship crush you because you don't know how to stand up. You crush another because you don't know how to be soft. In both cases, the abuse is propagated and it's probably not even because you are an asshole. Nor is it likely that it is because your partner is. It is because we come from a long line of being raised in abusive manners and that stuff is hard to shake.

Think of your own upbringing. Think about how that caused pain and harm. Now question, where are you doing this to another in your own life. Consider, where were you abused in your childhood (if you were). Chances are that this is where you're mimicking your own experiences. what do you do that your parents did, simply because your parents did it. Perhaps you call boys sissy when they cry or you think that a show of force, through spanking or dominating is how you talk to a child in order to get them to do what you want. It may be normal for you, but chances are others around you are not comfortable with this practice. Is there truly anything you can do to change the direction of things?

If you can identify where you are too harsh and you actively think about it, it could be a way to take a toxic relationship to a more positive direction. In the cases where one or both partners don't understand why something is bad, why it doesn't work or why another method is better, it can take a couple of generations to fix the problem.

That being said, if you do identify with this kind of behavior, you may have been called abusive. Being a toxic person it is a passive behavior point. Generally, their wavelength is different than that what you would expect. Toxic people can overlap and be negative for another person's life, such as in the case of a drug user or a person that once had been abused but didn't have the ....

Those Pesky Choices

The choice is yours and yours alone. That being said, before you make a choice, take a long hard look at your relationship. Even a pacifist can be pushed too far. However, being pushed and how one reacts is the key here. If you are feeling like you or your partner are stepping over the line then you owe it to yourself and each other to take a step back and think about what you want to do next.

Ask yourself if you are feeling pushed too far:

• Can you continue to have communication or has it deteriorated too far?
• Could a moderator such as a counselor fix your relationship?
• Do you trust yourself?
• Do you trust your partner?
• Can you and your partner be responsible to make up boundaries and to agree on what conduct is acceptable in your relationship?
• Are you willing and able to do what it takes to work on the relationship?

If you have suffered a breach of trust in the past from either an affair or pornography, answer these questions as well please:

• Can you forgive your partner?
• Do you believe that they are sorry and regret their actions?
• Do you feel like your partner understands why you are upset?

You Decide Your Reactions to All Actions

It is harsh for sure. It makes it sound like it is all your fault.

If you choose to stay in this relationship, it is your responsibility to grow stronger and to meet your partner. There has to be a balance. Many relationships are toxic, as two people grow together, part of that individual dies. Let there be a mourning for the loss, but let it last not longer than the celebration of the birth. For the death, the pain and the growth need not be for not. You can learn. Either with the partner that hurt you and then from there, you can learn to grow and be greater, together as one. Or you may part, both better for the lessons you have learned.

Legal Lingo

Bear in mind that I, Rohanna Irene, RumDancer, Fantasma Creations (or any other entity representation of) am not a medical doctor. I do not have my lisencing for LCSW or any other psychology degree. I am far too Sagitarrius to finish. Instead, I do have 18 plus years experience as a life coach and intuitive guide. I have helped individuals, business entities and families work to heal and process their blockages that have led to toxicity in relationships. While my practices do have aspects which are related to the field of psychology, if you are experiencing an emergency, if you worry about your mental health or if you feel that you are in an unsafe or unstable place, please seek professional assistance. None of the exercises in here are deemed to be medical advice, to take the place of a professional assessment.

Where to Go Next

The reason I brought all of this up was because there was a recent discussion here at the Wayward House 2.5, which is pretty much the nickname that my house tends to take as ultimately, it invariably becomes the covenstead. This means that relationships can get iffy in that without boundaries people don't know how they should be.Having rules for relationships are important. If you are wondering about how to gage these stay tuned.

Coming up we have a relationship assessment quiz a few topics on those daily practices that can be done to defend against the impending breakthroughs that come with magical practices and more mindful meditations to help keep you centered as you embark, continue or explore your magical path.

Thanks for reading! Onward and upward to second month of transparency of my practice. It gets easier ;)

Love and Light, RumDancer