Setbacks? Going Backwards To Go Forwards? Tough Love? A Place For Force In A Loving Relationship?

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You see, yesterday we did a lunging session. Lunging is the act of asking the horse to walk, trot or canter around a person in a circle, usually on a long lunge rope. It is a technique used to refine commands (or requests) to vary speed and an exercise in getting the attention of the animal in order to control their distraction and focus them on working together.

Our Mare has not taken to this quickly at all. She's young and like any youngster, she'll test the boundaries of the relationship. Surprisingly, to do this they employ techniques that human teenagers might. They'll look away; literally in the opposite direction to where you're standing if they want to ignore you, they'll "throw tantrums" and gallop away, lunge rope in tow if they asked to do something that they're not in the mood for. They'll even kick, buck and generally carry on in protest.

Yesterday our mare did all of these things.

I have a zero tolerance for that behaviour when in my immediate vicinity. She was not malicious about it because if she'd wanted to kick me in the guts, she would have. Horses much quicker than we are and with longer and stronger limbs, you're a passenger when it comes to aggression. Still, big movements in proximity to humans is behaviour that needs to be reigned in.

In our typically loving way, we went and fetched her and returned her to the training session. It's important to show that throwing a tantrum is not behaviour that will result in getting out of chores, a valid parenting technique also.

After two more occurrences of this behaviour, including her positioning herself into our personal space at the inside of the circle in order to use her size to put us off task, it was clear that our respectful relationship was not at that moment respectful.

This is one of the problems with showing love and care from birth. The recipient has no idea of how that treatment compares to anything else. Many horses suffer horribly at the hands of humans, so when they're treated the way we treat horses, they're over the mood. They're so appreciative because they've seen how hard life can be. For our mare who's only known kindness, being asked to walk could have been the worst thing ever.

What to do?

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Well unfortunately, respect is a two way street and sometimes, as was the case yesterday and as much as it pains me, it was time to mirror behaviour. Love is a reciprocal arrangement. Each party needs to be aware of the influence that their behaviour has on the other. I reached for the lunge whip which is a tool that is used to extend the arm and issue direction. It also makes a bit whipping sounds that is good for getting attention.

Having never experienced a whip before, she didn't respond at all to the sight of it. Our older boy runs for the hills when he sees it as he's been abused at the hands of impotent whip yielding humans before.

On the next attempt when she muscled in on my space and galloped off and performed other large violent movements in my vicinity, I cracked (or really just swiped) the whip making gentle contact with her and making a bit sound in the process. It didn't hurt her, but it snapped her into attention. She was confused. "Why is my behaviour being met with difficulty and resistance?" You could see it in her eyes.

My intention was not to hurt her or to scare her but to signal that her behaviour was not acceptable in our relationship. This is something I allow her to communicate to me too. When I'm working with her or touching her or whatever, if she shows me signs that she's not happy with what I'm doing (pinned ears, wide eyes, particular movements of the body) I'll allow her space. Not because I think what I'm doing is unreasonable, but because she has indicated that she doesn't find it acceptable. It's a give and take.

Amazingly, the confusion, surprises (and sadly possibly a little fear due to the unknown) saw her look at me, focus her attention on me. With my hand on fire, throbbing with the pain of rope burn that one of her previous gallops and caused me, we proceeded to ask her to simply respond to a verbal request to lunge (just simply walk) around me in a circle. This is an important skill. Without the ability to have a horse listen to you, be aware of where you are and respond to verbal requests, they can be fatal animals to be around, even if unintentional.

After she galloped off, she was so excited. Veins popped from her whole body, her huge nostrils were flared to allow the massive volume of air that she needed to be sucked in and expelled at such a fast rate. Her eyes were wide open. She looked capable of and willing to run us over where we stood. Fear on my part would not have sent the right message however. We proceeded, collected her again and calmly continued with the session.

Her stunningly beautiful 600kg body started to walk and then trot around me in a circle, just like a pro lunger would do. A far cry from the stubborn lack of respect displayed earlier. As soon as she did this, I called her over and gave her lots of verbal praise and lots of rubs on the head which she loves. She dipped her head to the ground in a submissive manner that allows me to rub her even more.

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I use this image because it's cute and indicates a point. I don't however condone the use of the bit as pictured.

I don't think it was asking much to have the respect to focus on me, respond to requests when we're working together and, importantly, to not move in a fashion that puts my life in peril when we're standing so close. These are important lessons but I'm the type of character that doesn't like introducing measured resistance into a caring relationship.

I was so happy to see her respond to us finishing the session however. When a horse is released from their halter, you get to see how they really feel. When freed, they can either run as far from you as possible if you've been a horror to be around, or they can choose to hang around you because you're someone they want to be with. In her case, it was the latter!

I'm so proud of her!

Despite me contacting her with the whip,making whipping noises in the air and using a tone of voice that projected power and disapproval, she obviously had a respect for me. Perhaps even a greater respect for me having met her behaviour with force than if I'd sat there singing "Kumbaya my lord and burning incense.

We made sure we finished on a good note. She calmly (and importantly voluntarily) walked back to the house bad with us and we enjoyed feeding both of the horses some carrots after the work they'd both done.

It's so difficult to know where is the correct place to be on the kindness vs force spectrum. I do think there's a place for discipline and setting boundaries regarding acceptable behaviour in a relationship, especially a relationship with an animal capable of killing or maiming in an instant with the smallest of effort.

I'm proud of her for taking my escalation so well and I feel that in the long term, it will have built a better and more mutually respectful relationship between us. My goodness, it's damn awful having to do it however. I'm left with mixed feeling about it but she's shown every indication that she respects it. In fact that's how horses view the world. Horse herd behaviour is all about hierarchy, muscle and compliance, so in a way the placid love we show is out of character for them. Still, they adapt very well.

I both can't wait to work with her again and fear a major injury at the same time. The joys of horse training! I tell you tho, when you can be as intimate and close to such huge animals as we are, laying on the ground sleeping with them or sitting on them bare back as they graze, even having them rest their head in your lap for comfort like a cat would, it's all so very worth it!

Well the sun is well and truly up now so it's time for work! Thanks for reading and I wish you all fortune in your relationships, animal or otherwise!