Why Polyamory was Right for me - Part. 2

Before we begin, if you have not read part 1 you probably should otherwise this might be a bit confusing. You can find it here.

After my first post about this subject, I took a bath and had a good think (I always do my best thinking in the tub) and dealt with some matters I have sort of suppressed. I have felt pretty shit most of my life which has made it hard for me in many ways of course, not being able to take full responsibility of my actions is one of the ways it has been harder. Now that I feel better than I used to so I started to realize that while polyamory was right for me, perhaps that was not the case for my partners. In preparation for this, I had a long chat with one of my ex's about it and what was said there I will share at the end of this post.

I believe it is good to start off where we left off. As I said, one of my ex's, basically just teenage romance stuff that was incredibly destructive and toxic. I could write a damned book about the whole thing but I won't, at least not now. Long story short, he cheated on me and lived a double life but since he was the first one to fully understand me I sort of decided to move past that and we started talking again some time after. I never forgave him, I still haven't after nearly ten years, for what he did but I was able to move on and give him a second chance. Over the years we decided to meet up several times but that never happened. I was used to him disappointing me after maybe the tenth time we had to cancel our plans. Sweden is not a huge country but it is rather stretched out which can create long distance issues rather quickly, especially if one does not even have enough money to travel. In the end, we did meet again and it was amazing. I do not think I have been that happy as I was when he picked me up at a train station as he had done when we were younger.

In his defense, I will add that he also has issues, like I do even though they differ. Either way, we spent some amazing days together and when I got home again it felt a bit empty. It seemed like we had both matured and grown with age so... Why not give it a second chance? The only problem was that while I was in an open relationship, I was not allowed to have a second boyfriend. Even though my partner and I were used to communicating we rarely had to dive into heavy subjects, and changing our open relationship into a polyamorous one was not exactly an easy subject to tackle. I remember sitting in bed and just... Not being able to say much else after I told him we needed to talk. I had no clue where to begin because I felt like I had cheated on him since I had allowed myself to get feelings for someone else. After what felt like a lifetime I managed to utter some words at least and after some time I managed to explain that I never planned or hoped I'd get feelings for someone else but that I now wanted to have a second boyfriend. I could tell he was not exactly thrilled about this but he agreed and gave me an okay to try it out. I was so happy, but deep down very worried.

The biggest issue I had with having two boyfriends was that I never felt like I had enough time for both. I had more than enough feelings to offer them but when I sat down and watched a tv-show with one boyfriend, the other contacted me on facebook and wanting my attention I felt guilty. It would take some time until I would find the right balance and stop feeling guilty over this. Other than that, things went by pretty smooth, even though it was painful to miss one boyfriend since it was long distance.

Since none of us had that much money we could not see each other very often but we had decided that he would come with me to the north to spend Christmas with me and my family. I was so happy, as a teen I had wished for him to visit and meet my friends and now that we were together again and a few years older I was thrilled that wish would finally come true. Or so I thought.

A couple of days before I was leaving to go to my hometown he called me, which was odd, he was not exactly a huge fan of them after all. I do not remember so much about the phone call as I had woken up from it and it had chocked me a bit. He basically told me he was in a lot of pain and did not know what to do. I felt horrible since I was so far away and could not help him at all. He went to the hospital shortly after, or that is at least what he told me.

The thing about lies is that even if time passes, you might still not exactly come off trustworthy. I did not believe him. I thought this was one of his convenient lies so he could cancel our plans. Normally I would have just played along, but not this time. Not when I would finally be able to say "Alright past Vanessa, he never came to visit you back then, but now he is here spending Christmas with your family so it all worked out". I wanted to believe him but I simply couldn't. Believing him would mean that I would not look like the worst girlfriend ever for thinking he lied about something that serious, but the damage was already done from all the lies he had told me during all these years.

The day after Christmas (we celebrate it on the 24:th in Sweden) I woke up to a message on Facebook. To add some more salt in my wounds I can add that we both had watched a lot of 'Doctor Who' together and we had been looking forward to the Christmas special even though we knew it was a certain Doctors final episode. So I already knew that this day would suck months before so it did not exactly help when the message read that he basically dumped me over text. On the day after Christmas. So, I lost my love and I lost a Doctor on the same day. Safe to say, bitch got drunk. Veeery drunk. When I came home a couple of weeks, my partner was the one who had to take care of me, it felt so unfair since he was not the one who had broken my heart.

And that was it. That was how I became polyamorous. Years after I had a second boyfriend for a while when I was still with my partner back then but that story is rather lame compared to this one. I will probably tell it when it is time for another story I have planned, no spoilers!

Now, back to my worries. What if polyamory was not right for my other partners? I called my (good) ex today and asked. I had been worried all week that he would tell me my fears were correct, that he felt forced into it and I caused him a lot of pain but... It was the opposite. He told me he had not mind it at all and that it worked well for us! That made me relax a bit. I followed up by asking him if he ever felt like something weird was going on but he never got to ask back then. He only had to say "Well... There was that time when I came home from work early..." and we both burst out in laughter! I knew exactly what he had meant. The story is, I had someone I used to see, not a boyfriend just a fuck buddy/close friend. We were at my place and I was going down on him and then we heard the front door open and I just... Ran! I ran out to the balcony just leaving the poor guy there while I was only being able to think "Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shiiiit!". Instead of seeing this as something bad he just sees it as something hilarious. So do I, even if I cringe at the memory and feel a bit ashamed.

I had planned to tell him everything bad I could have possibly done during our whole relationship but I had to ask myself why I would want to do that? Would he feel better or was it just so I could get it off my chest? I realized it was mostly the latter but I told him about the time I had broken one of our rules. I had been fooling around with a guy at a party, trying to be as subtle as possible however as my partner was there. We were not allowed to make out with others if the other was like, legit at the same damned party. I have felt bad about this for years as I was sure he had either seen us or picked up on what was going on. Apparently, he was clueless and did not mind me telling him and I finally got to apologize.

So, now I am a few years older, perhaps a bit wiser, but even though I am single and has been for two years, it is safe to say I will most likely -not- choose a monogamous relationship again. Having an open relationship and even poly made me feel free and happy in ways I do not think a monogamous relationship would ever be able to compare to. If someone wants to try to prove me wrong someday I will give them a chance. For -me- it is just a better way of having a relationship. It may not be for you, but it is for me and some others.

So, this was the tale of Why Polyamory was Right for me, if you made it this far, pat yourself on the back from me! I might do a little Q&A-post later on where people can ask questions in the comments!

Until next time, lovely Steemians!