Have You Ever Had a Friend Disappear When They Entered a New Relationship?
I Have a Grievance I Would Like to Air.
Everyone has their way of letting out their frustrations. My avenue of venting is writing. I find it very therapeutic. For those that don't know my history I used to work in inpatient mental health. I am a nurse and a mental health counselor. Writing was one of the methods we would teach our clients. Maybe someday I will share some of my experiences behind the locked doors of a psychiatric unit. Today I want to talk about how hurtful it is when a friend disappears because they entered into a new relationship.
The Early Years.
My best friend and I have known each other since we were six years old. Our friendship was as pure as it gets. Two boys tearing up the neighborhood building snow forts, playing hide and seek in the apartment complex, going fishing, playing sports, beating the shit out of each other and having each others backs at school.
You see, we both grew up in the inner city of Rochester, NY. When my parents divorced my Mom could not afford to live in the suburbs so we moved to the city. This meant that we went to inner city schools. The racism people talk about is different than what we experienced. We were white kids in predominantly non white schools. Being teased, harassed and challenged to fights was a regular part of my life. We grew up tough and were quite seasoned by high school. By the time we were in 10th grade we had earned the respect of our non white peers.
Post High School.
By this time our friendship began to drift apart. I was leaving to be in the US Navy and my friend decided to attend University locally. Whenever I would come home to visit we would get together, catch up and have fun. This went on for eight years when I finally decided that the military was not for me and my anti-authoritarian mentality was getting me nowhere fast.
I left the Navy and moved multiple times around the country but we always stayed friends. He was there for me whenever I needed someone to talk to. He would never judge me for my mistakes. I would do the same for him. Relationships would come and go but we never lost touch.
My Rough Patch.
After a few years of really struggling I moved home to pursue my RN (Registered Nurse) degree. He offered to let me live with him. So for two years we had a blast while I attended school and worked long hours at the hospital. Then I got married but life sucked! My friend was still there for me. That marriage was short and horrifying. She hated my friend and did not want me to hang out with him despite the fact that we only lived a few minutes away. I understood how difficult it is to make friends as adults and I was not going to let this woman hurt that.
Starting Over.
Then after finally breaking off the relationship I knew I needed a break from everything. So I moved to Tampa, FL and began building my life again. I lived with my Brother. We had a good time as we learned about business, hung out with famous athletes and made many good friends.
Then my Brother got shipped to Iraq and once again life took a turn. In all of the mayhem my friend was there for me and came to visit. He assured me that I would get back on my feet. I did and life was good. I returned to working in mental health and lived a good life, even as the economy was disintegrating around me.
Opportunity Brought Me Home.
After some circumstances changed,it was time for me to move back home to Rochester, NY. So once again I moved back in with my friend. This time it was only for six months. I chose to buy a foreclosure and remodel it. I moved in within a few months and my friend and I were reunited. We were supportive of each other and regularly went out and talked business and our futures.
3 years later I felt like I was not getting ahead. I was not making any forward progress in my life. I missed the beautiful weather of Tampa, FL and the positive energy. So after a few months of talking to family and my friend I made a drastic decision. I was going to move to Panama and begin my life as a full time entrepreneur.
The Move to Panama.
Even though I moved thousands of miles away to a far off land I still kept in regular touch with my friend. He even came to visit shortly before @AnaHilarski and I got married. The two of them got along great and throughout the last five years the two of them have gotten along great.
Even though I was so far away we were still supportive of each other. Whenever he had something he wanted to talk about my Facebook Messenger would ring and I would stop what I was doing and make time.
What the Hell Happened?
Fast forward to today and I have not spoken with my friend since his dog passed away. He is now getting married and has a little one on the way. The only information I get is via his fiances Facebook profile. No contact for any holidays, birthdays or the random hellos that I have grown accustomed to over the last 20 years. My calls go unanswered and messages not received.
The only difference I see is that he entered into a relationship. Whenever I was in a relationship I was always there for my friend so when the opposite happens I can't help but feel pissed off.
What Do You Think?
I know people grow out of relationships but dam, this seems so shallow. I have never treated people like this. All of my friends are terrible at being friends. I used to tell my Mom that the only reason I am still friends with most of them is because I am the one sending the messages, making the calls and keep the candle burning.
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Get your ass back up here to Rochester, NY so we can drink some brewskies and talk STEEM. I'll step in for your buddy, LOL.
I will come visit, hopefully this year but there is no way in hell I am moving there again. Too dam cold for my ass.
It's actually been quite a mild winter. But, yea I know where you're coming from. I come from a tropical habitat and this climate is rough.
70 degrees out here this week in jan -- pretty mild indeed
If you haven't noticed, women, especially feminist women, demand to control the narrative. Instead of becoming powerful women, they become empowered (by men) psuedo-men, thus losing their real power. This is exacerbated by the female feeling of inferiority. Thus, they do what is emotionally urgent and ignore the long term consequences. The women enters the man's life and separates him from all his friends.
And the men, from all the programming they got through life, such as "happy wife, happy life", give into her demands. They think this will appease her and make their future better. So many men do this. They easily stop talking to their old friends, because the woman didn't like them.
What inevitably happens is sick. The man, who gave up his friends becomes a shell of the man he was. And since a woman is always testing her man for his strength, this soon turns into the woman despising her husband. When a woman loses respect for her man, the relationship is over. There is no emotional equity within women, it is what they feel at that moment.
So, the man doing what he was programmed as correct, destroys himself and his relationships, and the feminist woman helps get down that path faster.
I have been both in your position and the other side of this type of issue. I have to say, its not your fault either way.
When I find a person I fall in love with, I tend to shut out everything else out of my life even when I know I shouldn't (like that my friends are falling away, I'm not keeping up with them, etc etc), it usually even has a negative effect on my actual relationship I'm in as well.. I have to somewhat disagree with builderofcastles though, but in principle it's true as well.
The reason I have to disagree with his "feminism" as the cause of this is because I am bisexual and whether its a girl or guy I'm falling in love with, the result is the same, I completely ignore most of my friends because I don't want my partner leaving me or finding something better or feeling the way I felt when I was ignored for others by people I cared about with whoever I'm in a relationship with.. Its pretty unhealthy but like I said, its not really something I can help, semi-conscious types of decisions. I guess when I "fall in love" its more of an obsessive infatuation that doesn't really go away unless the other leaves me lol.. I'm not saying your friend is the same, but perhaps this is also playing a role in his life?
When my friends have done it it was painful as well. I don't know if I should have tried harder to remain friends when they "disappeared" or have said fuck em earlier tbh. I'm not sure if when I shun them after finding someone I'm crazy about has anything to do with a sense of revenge for others having done it to me in the past, hope not but obviously it's all part of a whole.. but even though I can empathise, it almost makes me even angrier because I can, and that when I was in their shoes, I had very little conscious appreciation of anyone besides "whoever it is that I'm in a relationship with", but as soon as the spell is gone, I realized my appreciation for them again, its terribly selfish, I know, and probably won't make you feel better, but it is honesty, maybe you have some thoughts on it to add for me &_&
I can relate...
I have one of those "friends"
I hear you. I haven't been able to keep long and deep relationships with friends like you as my locations have been so fragmented, but I have been observing the same about a particular friend. She hasn't returned quite a few of my calls. She's pretty busy as I can tell from the publishing in journals and such, but I still wonder sometimes, and then I let it go. Whatever will be, will be. I also had a friend rant about being the single guy among a sea of paired, housed, and no longer child-free couples and feeling left out. (This probably applies more to me than you.)
All you can do is give it time. Who knows where he is in his life, if even he does? Seems like he himself is going through a lot of changes.
sex + dopamine = all time on indulgence.
he'll start contacting you gain when the honeymoon sex is over with
of course, then he'll have a rug rat, so he will levae shorter messages, buy at least he'll keep up contact
Your story took me on a trip down memory lane son. It is so true that you have both traversed many years of friendship...both far and near...lived together and and have been very supportive of each others personal choices. You have both always been honest and forthright with each other, even if you disagreed with the choices being made, especially regarding relationships. Funny how over the years of being in constant contact, that a new relationship can change things.
I surmise that as others have said, when the novelty wears off, perhaps you will once again enjoy the lifelong friendship you have always had. One thing I have learned over my lifetime is...never burn your bridges...
unless of course your personal perspectives have taken you to a place where you no longer see eye to eye. Perhaps you just no longer resonate with one another. It happens! You literally have nothing in common anymore. Your life may have just become one of happiness, joy and pure positive influences surround you now. Where you were always the one being the encouraging and supportive one, always lifting up your friend who carried an otherwise indecisive outlook towards life. You have now chosen to go into a different direction an only associate yourself with uplifting people....thus your relationship with your friend will now disappear into a distant memory.
That is exactly how life seems to role....just saying! love MoM
You may be right but I hope that almost 35 years of history can overcome that.
You have moved a lot until you find your perfect place and most important a healthy life. I wish all the best @hilarski and like you said: It Doesn't Have to Be This Way! Cheers!
Nope, friends can still be friends thousands of miles apart with or without a wife, husband, girlfriend or boyfriend.
That's true friends can still be friends of course, but it has to be from both sides. If you are the only one who always calls, text and from the other side nothing, well that's not fair and is not a good friendship.
Post a cool friend