A little messed up..

I had a bit of a Stefan Molyneux moment recently;

It started when I discovered my partner was basically having a long distance relationship with another woman. It ended with me having, what was probably the worst hysterical crying fit I have ever had in my entire life, when I realized the reason for my constant bad decisions in men is...yes you guessed it...my dad.

My biological father left when I was five years old. I distinctly remember the day mom had to drop him off at the bus station. I was very young, but I knew something was wrong. I remember bashing my tiny little fists against the car's back window, yelling at my dad to not leave as mom drove away. My relationship with my father went downhill from there. Me and my brother would visit him twice a year, but we grew further and further apart as the years went by. The last time I saw him was in 2006... 12 years ago. Other than the occasional phone conversation I have not had much contact with him.

My relationships with men following that has been disastrous to say the least. I entered my first steady relationship at the age of 16. We dated for 2 years before he cheated on me with my sister, followed by me dumping him and him committing suicide.

Following that I went through a couple "slut years" before I settled down in my second long term relationship of 8 years. He was actually a good guy but for some reason I felt stifled in the relationship and ended it. I was single for close to 2 years before entering the 3rd and shortest of the 3 relationships...the one that ended in the life changing hysterical fit.

So what's the deal? Well, here is my theory;

I neglect to value myself enough and therefor allow people (and men in particular) to use & hurt me for their own benefit, be it sexual or otherwise. This lack of self worth stems from a series of childhood events, but mainly from my dad walking away when his five year old daughter was screaming at the top of her lungs for him to stay. He abandoned me and he made no effort to fight for me or my brother. If my own father does not value me enough to fight for me...then why should any other man?

This realization came to me out of the blue and hit me like a brick. It was unexpected & once it hit it was like 31 years worth of pain & neglect came pouring out all at once.

It was good though. Now I know. Now I can change it.