Who Are You?

A huge amount of our success in relationships may be down to who we view ourselves to be.

Let’s look at this together.

Say, someone notices a way in which they behave, which they’re not too comfortable with, or, perhaps, which has been causing them trouble.

Let’s say they’ve been sleeping around, and that this has been limiting their chances to create lasting, successful relationships.

Let’s say this person was given the name, at birth, of Jack Thunderpants.

Or Misty Hothips.

Now, Thunderpants longs for the security and love an exclusive relationship can bring, but he keeps on screwing things up, by, well, screwing things up.

Jack has tried to stop sleeping around, and has succeeded for short periods at a time, like when he’s been asleep, but try as he might, he just keeps on reverting to his old ways…

To understand Jack better, it’s useful to look at the iceberg model of the mind.

Imagine a huge iceberg, peering out from the sea, its huge bulk hidden under the waves, with its peak, alone, visible above the surface.

What we have visible above the surface is our behavior. Jack has been sleeping around.

Below the surface, just under the waves, we have what Jack feels about this: momentary relief, shame, a little bit of reassurance, conflict…

Depending on the tides, Jack is sometimes aware of these feelings. Other times, he isn’t.

Deeper still, we have Jack’s beliefs.

Jack believes that monogamous, harmonious relationships are the thing of fairy tales.

Although he craves, these “fairy tale” relationships, he believes they are out of reach.

Furthermore, Jack believes the fact that lots of women will sleep with him, is proof that he, Jack Thunderpants, is a highly desirable and attractive person, and this makes him feel good.

Jack ignores the fact that most of these women were very drunk.

He also believes that each new opportunity to have sex, may be his last opportunity to have sex, and so he’ll take that opportunity, no matter who’s doing the serving.

Underpinning these beliefs, way down in the iceberg, are Jack’s values.

Jack’s values, his sweeping statements about the world and about human conduct, go along the lines of: Take what you can get, or look out for yourself, because nobody else will look out for you.

You know the kind of thing.

Now, the issue Jack has in trying to changing his behavior is that no matter how much he works on altering the behavior itself, he won’t make any significant difference, unless he also works on his underlying beliefs and his underlying values.

And, unfortunately for Jack, there’s an even deeper layer of the iceberg…

Beneath his behavior!

Below his beliefs, underpinning his values…

Jack Thunderpants has a very particular sense of self.

Jack sees himself as a Casanova, a ladies man, a bit of a lad.

To be fair, it was a strange name to give a child.

Misty Hotpants, meanwhile, sees herself as a party girl, and free spirit, a wild child.

This sense of identity has become so entrenched in the lives of these two individuals, that it’s become a struggle to be anything else.

In fact, when Jack behaves in any way that doesn’t fit with Casanova identify he has cultivated, his friends and colleague look at him with startled eyes. They’re unnerved. Jack doesn’t like this, and so he sleeps with the next drunk girl, his friends cheer good ol’ Jack Thunderpants, and all is well in the world.

Well, almost all…

So, whoever you are…

It’s nice to meet you.