Five phases of Relationship Reconciliation

 I must admit that reconciling my relationship with my wife after a three year separation was the toughest, most rewarding and by far the most valuable and worthwhile accomplishment and experience of my life.  I learned more about my self through that journey than any other.  It has been over 15 years since our reconciliation process and we are still here.  So what did it take to make it work, especially when there was depression, suicide attempts, anger, violence, venom, emotional & mental abuse, pain, suffering and a lot of heart ache?  There are a number of steps that we had to go through to heal and fix all of that.  I believe that this process is necessary whether we are talking about two spouses, friends, neighbours, co-workers, animals, plants or nations.   

Phase One - End the violence

I will be the first to admit that I was an intensely covert violent individual.  I was a master at using guilt, shame, control, manipulation and other tactics to control my wife and kids.  I had very poor relationship skills, would not communicate well and express feelings violently.  I avoided feeling at all cost and governed my life with 100% intellect.  It was a disaster, but I refused to admit that I was the problem.  I blamed other people and refused to accept the idea that the problem was me.  These are learned behaviours that I acquired from my upbringing and through emotional trauma that happened to me when I was a child.  As a result, I turned inward and struggled with depression from the age of 12 to 33.  The last 4-5 years of that period saw addictions to pharmaceutical drugs, alcohol, work, computers, porn, TV and anything else that would distract me from my problems.  That is when I kicked my wife and two young sons out of the house and hit rock bottom.  I faced a choice, change or die!It is this choice that saved my life as I surrendered my old ways and accepted learning new skills.  I learned how to express my feelings, how to communicate with people, resolve conflict and all the other skills necessary for a healthy relationship.  Most importantly I discovered how violent my actions were and dedicated the rest of my life to end the violence.  I believe that this journey most likely would not have happened if Carey and I were still together.  It is tough to admit to oneself, but it is critical that one can see the violence in a relationship, no matter how covert it is.  Until we can admit it to ourselves, healing has a low probability of succeeding. 

Phase Two - Healing

Carey and I both went through a healing phase where we had to learn how to live on our own.  It is a right of passage that an individual learn how to be independent.  If they are not capable of independence then they most likely will get caught up in co-dependent relationships and struggle for their entire life time.  Learning how to set healthy boundaries, being independent and non-violent was a huge healing opportunity for both of us.  While I was going through my healing, Carey was doing the same.  Reconciliation requires that both sides heal and find healthy independent life styles which builds confidence and a solid foundation upon which to build a relationship.  Too many of us are still children when we get into a relationship and then we wonder why they don't work.  My healing was done through an intensive therapy program at the UofA hospital which involved intense therapy which covered 8 hours a day, 5 days a week for 18 weeks.  It was a full time job and it changed my life.  I'm not saying that everyone needs that level of help, but for me, I needed and welcomed it!  I lived an independent life style for many months as I watched and observed Carey live her life as well.  We still interacted with one another as we shared looking after our two sons.  When we were healthy, we decided to start talking. 

Phase Three - Reconciliation

This phase cannot start until both parties are healed, as this component is the toughest.  When we talked, we had to have firm boundaries to our discussions.  No passive / aggressive behaviours, no fighting, no cutting one another off and we had to repeat back what the other was saying to ensure that we fully comprehended the spirit and intent of the message before we could respond.   For me, being the reformed violent party, I also had to just sit there and shut up for much of the conversations.  The reason:  Much of the conversations were not about plans of the future but healing the pain, harm and suffering of the past.  That required that I give Carey a safe and respectful space to share her pain without me getting defensive or confrontational about it all.  I fully recognized that I caused great harm and pain.  Therefor I had to sit there and hear her sharing all of it!  I had to acknowledge all that I did and walk the path of healing in order for me to demonstrate to her that it would not happen again.The problem I faced is that she had very little trust and I had to show her through example, repeated over and over again that the behaviours that I learned have changed me and that I would not resort back to old patterns.  I had to prove myself over the span of two years that I am a changed man.  This process was particularly challenging as it was easy to resort back to old behaviours especially with somebody that I already had a lot of history with.  Building a new relationship with somebody new would have been easier in this regard, but that is not what we wanted.  We both took our vows seriously, so we did what it took to make it work.    

Phase Four - Build inter-independent relationship

Now that two independent individuals are working out how to work together, have healthy boundaries and can resolve conflict peacefully, we were ready for building an inter-independent relationship.  I think most people have the intent of building inter-independency when they get married but fail to achieve it due to unresolved issues and challenges within the relationship.  This is where two independent individuals work together, sharing duties and responsibilities for the betterment of both, as true partners and team mates.  It is this level of collaboration and cooperation that freed Carey and I so that we could have the faith in one another to sell everything, move off grid, build homes, barns, fencing, gardens, greenhouses, raise live stock, etc and still want to spend time together at the end of the day.  I know of many couples who struggle doing a renovation and yet we thrive with this life style.  We have our challenges, but we have protocols to resolve issues, we spend lots of time talking and we check in with ourselves and each other constantly to make sure we are doing okay.  

 

Phase Five - Repeat

I put phase five here because we are always confronted with relationships that have failed for one reason or another.  This process worked for us and I see no reason why it could not work for others.  We started this process with our relationship with the Indigenous peoples of Turtle island.  It has been challenging, but by us walking our path, living on the land and sharing our story, we have been noticed and recognized for our efforts to reconcile our relationship with them.  There is no way that the state will be able to reconcile as they are stuck on Phase One, unable or unwilling to end the violence.  So it is up to each individual to do the work.  I call upon all people to do what they can to reconcile.  The rewards are amazing.  We can do this!  Ending the violence is key to this whole process!  Being consciously aware of what violence looks like will make the difference between a peaceful relationship and heart ache!