Openess of Change

research-mind (62)in #relationship • 7 years ago

I've had a tendency to create debt based relationships....where there becomes a sort of "owing" and "owning" sense of "entitlement"....and "permission" kind of being like this judgement and comparison....this, morality based in emotion and feeling as a making sense.

Possessed by my possession - making each and every intimate partner into a possession.

Possession consumes me.

I am compromised in possession - and when i see that - i will crush it. Let it go - Walk the Correction.

Consequence of possession looks like this:

keep the peace of my possession...my relationship....yet the conflict emerges in me and i don't like it. I recognize the resistance...and that i cannt keep suppressing....it's got to come out, it's got to be directed effectively. It's got to be forgiven. It's got to be let go of. It a point of self-permission. It's a point of care taking and trust with myself. It's my individual self-intimacy and vulnerability. It's a get real moment of seeing without a doubt.
The compromise starts slow as like letting it wallow a while without really giving it much thought....than it comes back...and maybe a mention..and if it there's no positive resposne....just again drop it, like thinking that maybe it will just go away if i keep dropping it. Nope doesn't work.
I begin to look closer about the thing that i keep pushing away...the thing that i actually think is pretty cool....but then i get concerned that it's a "deal breaker"....me being open about a point of interest in me, "a possible deal breaker"....too much....to intense to handle.
See it's this very "self-censorship" that emerges in a relationship....this is a tell tale sign of possession and suppression. It's a going into an "inferiority" or "superiority". It's a point of imbalance and disharmony.
This type of behavior pattern emerged in me in childhood...where i found that if I was honest about a real serious thing with someone i am close to...it can really backfire and blow up in my face....so in an attempt to save face...control the face of the relationship....I would control and manage my responses. It's like learning to lie to your parents....realizing that the way your parents treat you and regard you and for the overall well being of the relationship with your parents as a child....sometimes its best to just lie to mom and dad.
So this has manifested itself into my intimate female relationships.
This maybe not being so direct all the time. I even did it just there in how i said it. "maybe". Let me rephrase that:

Not being direct with my partners has been the downfall of many relationships. Ironically, the downfall usually is at the exact moment of directness.

The real issue here is the relationship with myself and being real with myself - always.

Ironically and Obviously - Allowing one moment of self-compromise, self-sabotage within myself...fucks up everything else. The process of getting real is that extensive. Where if there is even an inkling of suppression in you...no matter how guarded and careful you are....that bit of pressure you are holding onto...will eventually emerge...and the longer you attempt to hide/control/hold it....the more damage you do onto youself and your world.

And as compensation...a protection mode to want to hold onto this formed possession over time...there enters a form of self-censorship as like oh: "better not say this....or if this gets brought up...that won't go anywhere" So an avoidance...a suppression emerges as that part just gots to be buried in the compensation.

Self-Forgiveness, The Permission to Stop Accepting and Allowing what is not cool.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not really understand how i've had a tendency to compromise a part and a piece of myself over time within a "commited relationship"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand how i've justified compromising a piece of myself within "committed relationships".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how "committed relationships" have been a possession....a debt....a burden. I realize the dissonance as a combination of inferiority and or superiority. A self-deception.
I realize what this is revealing of the relationship.....the agreement I have with myself. This is specifically about the maturity and the development I've allowed ...and or haven't allowed with myself.
My external "commitments, relationships, agreements, participations"...are a reflection and representation of "ME" Internally. The 'blocks'...challenges I have faced are a result of myself...and a willigness to challenge myself.
I realize for me to be 100% honest with myself...that is me not compromising me for anything or anybody. This is my "equality and oneness." There's no room...there's no space for "inferiority" and or "superiority" power play dynamics.
I realize the responsibility in me to be clear in my stand as my words in moments. I realize this includes "speaking Up"...especially so - as to be clear and create clarity in direction for myself and others.
I realize that 100% committed to myself and my life process as "one and equal**...will most definitely test and challenge me on points of conflict and friction. That it's not an easy thing per se...because the music is faced so to speak it exposes any and all weaknesses and limitations.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to curve my behavior to a point of avoidance of fact about specific sensitive issues when and as i see them because they might not be so pleasent to digest. I realize this showcases a buried point of 'inferiority' within myself where I too have held onto suppressions of inadequacy and a sort of weakness...not good enough attitude.

Self-Correction and Commitment

When and as I see myself resisting to communicate about something because I am concerned about not getting the response and or feedback I am looking for, "This is a siren alarm for me"...this is a recognition of a moment of possible self-sabotage...and self-compromise...and that I stand at the 'cutting edge of time" with the ability and opportunity to direct the moment as a presentation and represenation of Life equality and oneness here. I realize my responsibility to speak as the heart...the earth here...from the core of me grounded in and as the physical. This means - I speak directly. I do not dance around the issue. I am specific. I am clear. I do not avoid the point in question. In fact I am creative in and as my ingenuity here to invent solutions. I realize sometimes - it's not so much about having a ready made solution for the moment....but it's about the vulernability and honesty of the moment to identifiy the issue or possible issue and to communicate and move as 'responsibility'...and direct accordingly, with the principle, "what best for ALL - includes me too."