The Outdated Concept of Monogamy

  I recently overheard a married couple while visiting a local coffee shop and standing in line. There was nothing too special about the conversation, they seemed simply to be talking about their plans for the day when, at one point, the wife had mentioned that she didn’t want to accompany her husband to some work thing he had to go to that afternoon. His response was simply, “Well, you’re stuck with me so you have to go.” To which his wife replied with a heavy sigh and, as I turned around with coffee in hand to head towards the door, noticed the overwhelming look of sadness on her face. It wasn’t so much due to the fact that she was going to be dragged along to some boring work function she had absolutely no interest in, it was deeper than that. 

 Many times throughout my life I have needed my ability to read people in order to survive and the story on this women’s face was one of complete regret in regards to this particular relationship choice. Seeing this look coupled with the brief, help me, look painted across her gaze reminded me of how I felt about this whole idea of marriage and monogamy. Those feelings being that they are both complete bullshit. Now don’t get me wrong, for some I think marriage is a great idea. If somebody were to find the person who they feel they can’t live without, someone who enhances and enriches their life, supports and encourages them to become their best self, and returns those feelings and characteristics, then hell yeah, they should be together forever. For the majority however, the idea of one true love, soul mates, blah blah blah, just seems unrealistic. Great idea for movie plots but seems dysfunctional for real life.  

Marriage dates back far before recorded history and its primary purpose was to ally families for any number of reasons (i.e. strengthen familial bonds, share property, ensure lineage, etc.) and monogamy wasn’t considered central to marriage until centuries later when the church got involved and how much better does everything work when the church gets involved, right? My thoughts here are that both ideas are simply outdated and have no real functionality in modern society.  

The most damaging aspect, I feel, is the expectation that one other person is supposed to be everything the other requires. Human being are quite complex and considering that most of us are constantly evolving in our views and beliefs, personal growth, likes and dislikes and so on, I’m left to question what a massively unfair burden that is to throw onto the shoulders of one person whom you care deeply for. How many of us are the same person we were when we were 17, 21, 27, 32, etc.? And as we change and grow and discover new things about ourselves, our partners are expected to do the same at the same rate and continue to love and cherish whatever person we are at that point in life? And, in return, we are expected to do the same for them?   

Now, here’s a fun fact, for the last 19 years I myself have been in a monogamous marriage. I met my beautiful wife when I was about 19 and at that time was a completely different person who never even gave this subject a second thought, let alone an initial one. To be honest, it wasn’t until about five maybe six years ago that my views on this particular subject even arose. One day I just began feeling differently. At that time in my life I had begun to seriously look over my life and all I had gone through up to that point. Through a lot of self-reflection and identifying the differences in who I had been as opposed to who I was then, I started to feel…uncomfortable. It was the first time I started to look over my life with honest to goodness maturity and realized that where I was currently at just didn’t feel right, like a fat guy in a little coat or something, you get it. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my wife dearly. In my lifetime so far I have gone from being a thug to a private security professional to a soldier, father, author, mentor, life coach and she has been by my side through good, bad, and fuckin’ catastrophic and there’s no one else I trust or depend on more than her. But when I got to that self-reflective point a while back I began to think about how much our monogamous marriage may have been limiting her life as well. She’s nowhere near the person she was when we first met. She too has grown and evolved and has become an even more incredible person than she was all those years ago, but she’s still a person who believes in monogamous marriage. I don’t feel that the outdated restraints this monogamous relationship puts on me in my current evolutionary state are any fairer than the ones it puts on her. I can’t help but think of how much of life we both may be missing out on because 19 years ago two horny kids fell in love and made it official. 

I guess what I’m getting at is that if you love someone, truly love and care for them, how could you not want them to have the absolute most that life has to offer? Imagine yourself back in high school (or currently in high school depending on how old you are now). You walk through the front doors ready to start your educational adventure, ready for the flood of knowledge to sweep you away and then you’re told there’s only one teacher and one class. That may sound fantastic from an average student’s perspective, but my first thoughts would be, what about everything else I need to learn, what about all the other experience I need to become a fuller, more evolved person? It’s usually at this point where women would say, Oh, he just wants to have sex with other people, or guys would say, she’s just a nympho or whatever derogatory term used to try and take down stronger more open-minded, more evolved women, which leads me to my next thought.  

I think that the primary ingredient in monogamy is ego. She belongs to me, stay away! He’s mine, hands off! Or even the thought (manifested by ego or insecurity) that This person must not love me or I must not be good enough. And I ask, why must consensual non-monogamous relationships be looked at like that when it seems the most logical and beneficial choice for all involved? Why can't it be a peaceful, life-enhancing addition to an important relationship? Just be honest and up front about it. Don’t be a dick. I get that some people are driven by ego or for whatever reason are insecure (I’ll tackle those subjects in later posts), but I think we forget far too often what our purpose in life really is. We are here to experience, learn, and engage in as many of life’s offerings as possible, so that when our time comes we can exhale our last breath with a warm heart, full smile, and an enriched soul.   

Be well and let me know your thoughts on the subject.