Song of the Day - Ego (feat. Thom Yorke) by Burial and Four Tet
Lately, I've been dealing with a horrible bout of imposter syndrome in my personal and music making life. I've been dealing with this pretty much my entire adult life, but the past couple of weeks has really caught up with me to the point where I've really considered throwing all my music gear in the trash and giving up completely. Not a great place for me to be in and its been a struggle to write anything new (both musically and on Steemit) because I feel like inherently what I make isn't very good. I don't quite know how to break out of it (though I've got at least some ideas which might be a good sign of me working though this). I'm thinking of writing a longer post on it at some point, but I realize that anything I might write is more of an attempt to work though my own issues regarding it rather than provide some relief to others and then it creates this shitty vicious cycle where I worry that even expressing that I'm going through this is perceived as some attempt to garner sympathy with seems desperate. Almost like expressing an insecurity is like an attempt to get compliments in some cynical way. Yeah, that's where I'm at on it.
So I'm expressing that right now because this is the easiest place to really express it. I'm desperate to finish something, but pretty sure that I'm not making anything worth listening to.
So, how does it relate to this track today? Well, it has to do a lot with the artists involved and the theme of the whole composition. Four Tet is someone I look at with great envy. For someone as prolific as him, he has such an amateurish approach to music making that it almost angers me that he consistently puts out great music using minimal tools and oddball gear. Seriously, you should see his setup for his last album. Just a laptop and speakers. No gear lust. Not piece of magic equipment that made the whole thing come together. Just a dedicated sense of experimentalism and focus to finish what he makes. It's blows my mind how much he does with so little.
The same can be said for Burial who notoriously uses Soundforge to make his music. For those who don't understand it, he uses a tool widely regarded as being amateurish to compose some of the most gripping and emotive electronic music out there. The type of music that shaped an entire generation of producers. The fact that these two together (apparently they went to the same college) managed to entice the likes of Thom Yorke who is one of the closest people to being a musical god in my eyes into doing a track is inspiring. It makes me want to rethink my whole approach to music just to get back in touch with that 20 year old in me that just made music because he enjoyed making it again. Hopefully I'll work through this before I have another existential crisis. I just needed to get all of that out there today. Either way, enjoy this slice of ego humbling music that I've been enjoying today.
Dude, you have passion for music. It's undeniable. You are literally the only writer that has ever made me want to read what they have to say about music. So I don't, know, if you are going to toss out the equipment, maybe apply to Rolling Stone right after.
Sometimes you NEED to make shit. I have made a LOT of shit art. The best thing I can compare it to is like squeezing a zit. Get that shit out of your system, then keep creating. Honestly if you can recognize what you are doing as shit, that's a start, and it means you have half an idea already on how you could do better. Then sometimes you make something you feel is shit, and it turns out to be genius, or the start of something better.
Most important, don't stop creating.
I'm actually feeling the same way lately: I have a lot of noise in my head that makes it hard to focus, and so I'm doing a lot of quick and casual creativity that feels good and is easy to knock out without too much effort. Serious stuff will come later.
Thanks man. I sat down earlier this week and just made music without attempting to complete anything and it was honestly the most I've enjoyed making music in a while. Not recording anything or attempting to make a song, just playing with sound and jamming and doing it for my enjoyment. I need to get back to that feeling again quickly because my time is coming up soon before I'm going to start getting deployed again and I feel like there is this deadline for me to be fully involved in music before life gets in the way. I've got this pretty close friend who I've known since I started making music who always tells me that he knows I'm talented, but he feels like until I'm done with the military I'm never going to have the time I really need to take advantage of that talent and grow to where I want to. I often wonder how true it is. I've got 5 years left until I retire. Maybe he's right though, but I just feel like I need to take advantage of the time I have now and it's frustrating to keep hitting a wall over and over again. I'll figure it out though, I know this is just a phase I'm going through. Normally this happens right when I'm on a cusp of a break through and I know I just have to be honest with where I'm at and work through it. Just frustrating me at the moment.
well, I definitely wasn't pursuing art seriously while I was on active duty. Juggling anything at the same time as military service is next to impossible... but props to you for managing to be as active as you are anyways!
Great post!
Thanks for tasting the eden!
your yin is your yang.