Walls

Caution: Some confessions may contain material that is unsuitable for minors or may hurt susceptibilities. It is recommended to read at your own discretion.

I am 21 years old, almost 22, I study the seventh semester of one race and the first semester of another. I work in the mornings as I struggle to remember who I was. I go to an extra class between work and school. I used to smile every moment, I used to be flirty, I used to have a wonderful body, today I'm just trying to reach the body to keep going. Until where? I do not know, I still do not know.

I get up every day, as if I do not want to wake up.

I bathe and avoid the mirror; I have dedicated myself to nourish my brain, but I have emptied my soul. I no longer remember my goal. They keep my memories, simple memories, where simple words admired my wit. I remember the numbers of the records of my work, I work so hard, and I have failed. I would like to tell the person I have harmed that I regret it, that I feel that I have been torn. For me he lost a house, if it helps him I have lost my soul.

I made a human eye mistake, but I feel like I should mutilate it.

How do you get up? Today no one gives me words of encouragement, not even my brain is
Dare to tell me. Why I do not renounce? ... I vaguely have a thought, for something I started this, I can not remember why and that cloudy idea makes me stay here.

My hair falls, I must weigh already 100 kilos, I want to be exaggerating, my skin is burned, half my face about to be paralyzed, I have spots, I shave every two months if I'm lucky. I fight, I fight every day for being me again. I struggle not to cry, not to surrender, I have not seen the light, I do not know if there is a light, I am so empty. I acquired agility to memorize, to relate knowledge, to speak without fear.

In exchange for? I'm always hungry, but nothing fancy me.

I have five dogs, one is lost, two have not seen them for months, and the other two I only see them for minutes. I love dogs and I would give my life for each one of them. They are always happy, as I was before ... Before I lost. I liked to dance, to sing in the car, from time to time to divert to the beach, now I have lost.

I would like a mentor, a hug, an emotional support, and I feel I do not deserve it. I do not pay for light, water, food, nothing. I'm just an economic burden on my mother.

Walls, that's what I see, and I put them there.

Did I believe I was better than all? Am I not?

How long can you live without life?

Illustrations by Sarah Joncas "Cecaelia" & "Mima"