Is Reliving Tragic Memories Good or Bad for you?
A Piece of Cake: A Memoir By: Cupcake Brown
I am currently reading the most amazing book, A Piece of Cake: A Memoir by: Cupcake Brown. I am almost done with the book (yay!), which is almost 500 pages. It is definitely not an easy read. Let me give you a synopsis.
At the tender age of eleven years old, La'Vette (Vette) loses her mother tragically, walking into her bedroom early one morning to find her slumped over a bed. After the funeral, she learns that the man she called her father is not actually her biological father, and is given to a man that she doesn't even know. Her biological father automatically dumps her into an abusive foster home where she is raped and beaten on a daily basis.
Vette ran away and was introduced to drugs, and how to prostitute to make it out of the hell of the foster home where she was placed. During her time on the road, she decides to live by the name her mother originally gave to her, Cupcake, that was changed by her biological father right away in the hospital. After every attempt to run away, she is picked up and returned to the foster home, who continues to abuse her.
As she continues to get older, her life continues to spiral out of control because of the outside world that continued to use and abuse her. She joins a gang, gets more involved in drugs, marries a man that introduces her to crack, and finally asks for help after spending four days behind a dumpster, using on stop, tricking to get money for her next rock.
She then makes the decision to become clean and sober, with support of many friends and family. During the first year of sobriety, she starts to revisit some of her difficult memories of growing up in such an abusive and neglected way.
I found myself starting to review my own childhood as I was reading this. The words would start to fade into the background as I continued to replay some of my hardest memories of growing up with someone who used and abused alcohol (and still denies there was ever any issues, because she doesn't remember!) and about how hard it was to make it through some of it. I started to tear up, and become angry all over again, anxiety flooding my body. I felt alone, unheard, unwanted, and back in that spot all over again.
Cupcake expresses that when she reviews these memories, and is able to cry, it is a healthy way of moving on from the memory and letting it go. I have been told this by friends in the past, and have read it in books. So then why doesn't it ever work for me? Why can't I move on and let them go, no longer being angry about it all?
It is hard to tell if reliving these tragedies can be therapeutic or detrimental to your mental health state, and I don't know the right answer. I know that I use these memories to shape and mold the person I am today. I know what hurts, and what not to do to people I love. I am learning from the mistakes of others, instead of copying htem (which rarely happens, behavior is learned, you know).
In closing, this book is giving me so much insight into the battle of sobriety, abuse, and how to make it through. It isn't easy, and it never will be.