I Fucked Up

in rant •  22 days ago

I’ve mentioned in previous posts about my old tendency to try and avoid conflict and my desire to please others. I often failed to speak my mind or insist on doing what I need to for myself when I feel it might conflict with someone else’s desires. I’ve been doing rather well with this. An example I talked about before was when I was able to reject someone who wanted to use my guitar for a photograph without giving him any explanation.

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me today

Well, today I screwed up. A friend hasn’t been visiting from another city. We met last night and it was fun enough. Then today he invited me to come to his friends “Italian Restaurant”. I guess I was expecting real Italian food, and I figured that I won’t be seeing him for a while and so I went to meet him.

The food was awful. Ok, not big deal. The owner was so nice, he offered us free everything. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him how bad the food was, I figure someone who can't much on their own, probably won’t know what to do with any advice I gave him. Ok, no problem.

The problem came when he said “I’ll treat you guys to dinner in about two hours, It’ll be great.” I should have said I can’t. Even lying and saying I had plans would have been better than what I did. I stuck around for dinner. Why did I do it?

I thought about how my friend was getting on a train once 3 hours and it’d be the last chance to see him. I thought about how the owner said his wife’s is learning guitar and how I wanted to meet her. I thought about how he had a wii and how I haven’t had chance to play most games on Wii. I thought about eating for free when I don’t have any substantial income other than steemit. I thought about how damn nice the guy is. And so I said “ok”.

It wasn’t just that the food was and conversation wasn’t low quality. The guy was so polite and generous that he made me uncomfortable. It didn’t seem entirely ingeniune but he felt desperate. He even said he had no friends in the city and 0 customers came in during our 4 hours sitting there. I just felt bad for the guy, and feeling sorry for someone is no reason to spend time with them.

If I had taken a moment to think about what I wanted, I really wanted to get out of there. I should have. If I can deal with such an awful lunch, my friend should be able to deal with me taking off early. The owner should be able to deal with me ducking out. Instead, I made this nice owner who I had little to talk about with think of me as a friend I will probably end up avoiding in the future, and I drained myself pretending to want to be there. The culture here doesn’t really have a good way to reject people halfway either. When you say “I’m full” they still bring you more food. And so I ended up feeling pretty passive agressive all day, and lost a lot of energy.

It’s ok. It’s all a learning experience. But AAAHHHH I’m drained! I will try not to put myself in any situations like this in the future. Afterwards I stopped by to visit some other friends on the way home and curled up on their couch for a while and recharged with some good music and easy going people.

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We humans tend to make the same mistakes over and over again, until we don't make them again. If we really wanna call them mistakes. Everything is meant to happen. You tried to be nice here and got stuck in your own trap.

To look at it in a positive way, it led to another lesson for you to share and a fun story for us to read. If you're life was all perfect, I wouldn't feel like reading about it anyway and you might not feel like sharing it with us.

Talk to you soon! ;>)

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I can imagine something much more perfect that will be fun to read...it’ll probably have traveling circuses haha

You are right, it had it’s purpose, it was very difficult to enjoy while it was happening though.

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I understand but isn't it exactly those situations - the 'difficult' ones - that teach us the most?

It reminds me of a fragment in a book on meditation, where a meditation teacher says that the 'difficult' sessions that don't feel satisfying, can be seen as the work needed to eventually receive our paycheck ( the sessions where we feel good ).

No matter what, it's all in the past now ;>)

omg...yes a now this is very familiar. a do this all the time.
its a hard one to figur out. this one was special on the horribly food.
am uselessly just get stuck in a party etc way to long just a of the reason a feel a cant go as the first one.

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I’be gotten so much better at “being selfish” but I’ve still got to practice a bit!

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its so inportent to be selfish. we cant relay be happy if we not tacking care ur us self first.

You do know it's your thinking about the situation not the situation itself that is draining your energy don't you @whatamidoing? 💙

Alternative version - how kind of you to want to support that restaurant owner even though you didn't like the food.

How great to spend time with your friend even though the environment was less than ideal for you.

Glad you got to recharge with some good music and easy going people.

😍

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Yes of course! But it was so difficult to find something to enjoy about that situation. My friend is a huge downer, but he always teaches me lessons in contrast, and we do have a strong bond of trust despite our differences. :-) thanks for this.

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You're welcome @whatamidoing. I enjoy how we are able to speak freely to each other! 😂

"The food was awful." I don't know why but it seems like for every good Italian place there are four or five bad ones.

I think we are kind of conditioned to say yes all the time. It is hard to break that. You seem to be aware of this so that goes a long way to stopping yourself in the future.

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Yeah, this is one of my biggest struggles, aside from focusing on the negative, I have spent years trying not to rock the boat in little interactions and making myself sick over it.

Working on it!

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It takes time and we all slip every now and then but you will get there.

Maybe for that moment you a) needed a reminder and b) to be there because maybe someone nice and non-judgey needed to be there for whatever reason. Maybe to help someone else feel a bit better? Hopefully you'll remember for next time, and at least you got to chill with other friends and good music afterwards :)

goatsig

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I think I need to elaborate on how my friend is kind of a drag and that we only hang out now because we’ve developed a kind of trust in each other and don’t need to see each other every day, but you are right. I will have it clear in my memory now

All I can say is...
You have no idea what impact your staying will have on either your friend or the "Italian Restaurant" owner.
On the other hand, IMO, you could have left without guilt. You did what you did.

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I know that I could leave without guilt, but I am still getting used to that. I still worry that I’m goig to hurt someone’s feelings if Im not extra careful. I don’t stress about it nearly a season much as I used to. I’ve learned how much more I have to give when I take care of my own needs first, but it’s just some old programming I’m still working through.

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From personal experience, I empathize with how tough that lesson is. The hardest part is, guaranteed, someone's feelings will be hurt.
Just know, I am on your side!