I saw Alien: Covenant and I HATED it! All characters were so freaking dumb...

Don't get me wrong, I'm usually not the type of prick who couldn't overlook a few unreasonable plot devices that would never happen in real life, but this whole movie was just people with inexcusably terrible judgment. The only thing I could think while watching was "What pretentious douche wrote this nonsense garbage?" And everybody talks in exposition like an emo kid trying to prove how deep and scarred they are...

What was cool about the first Alien movies was how the crew was fighting for their lives, how they were thinking what to do and how they were analyzing the possible consequences of their actions. Alien: Covenant on the other hand, was full of characters who seemed so dumb that they needed androids to remind them how to breathe. And since the person that wrote that wet garbage script surely doesn't have an android to help him out with that, I wonder how they stay alive being so dumb.

The first moment in the movie when I told myself "This is stupid. Even in an infinite universe this has and will happen ZERO times" was when the new man-of-faith captain refused a funeral or something for the now dead captain to show his crew that he is reasonable. What?... WHY? This was the moment I realized the scriptwriter had no clue or didn't care what reasonable actually meant. For them, reasonable and scientific meant cold-hearted and bitchy, the whininess of the character was a bonus.

Next the whiny new captain character decides to prove that he is a moron by landing on an unknown Earth-like planet because of some strange transmission, because "no one wants to get back in their pod". We are driving from LA to Miami but we are tired, so let's follow this sing that says Texas-Chainsaw-Massacre-Town, we only have a few thousand lives to gamble on a whim because space travel is annoying.

Now, I don't know how much of a gamble the whole colonization mission is to begin with. Keeping in mind how stupid, whiny and generally insufferable these people are, I would not be surprised if Earth was like - here's a ship, here are supplies, even timber because that's not at all unreasonable to haul all the way to the other side of the universe, here's a crazy irresponsible rock climber with a disarming smile to be your captain, go ... hm... that way for as long as you can and we're sure you'll find somewhere to live. The important part is that you are as far away from us as possible, we'll even give you an android babysitter, so we don't feel that bad about it, but we are still not sending even a single reasonable person with you.

So it's entirely possible for their mission was enough of a gamble that checking out a planet along the way just because was warranted. Still, if you are going to investigate an alien world WITH LIFE ON IT sending you a strange transmission, you don't send the entire crew, especially the captain. Look, you have guns and something like uniforms! This means some of you are soldiers or something? Send people that are trained for this, not your man-of-faith whiny emo moron captain and his bafoon friends. And you keep most of the crew manning what's most important - your main ship and the people whose lives you are responsible for.

AND YOU WEAR A GODDAMN SUIT TO PROTECT YOU FROM THE ENVIRONMENT! If this planet is so much like Earth, then it probably has bacteria, viruses and fungi on it, right? And those have been evolving there for some time now and might be able to affect you, right? And your moron immune systems have never been exposed to those pathogens, so you could get infected by something deadly and end up killing everybody on your stupid covenant colonization mission, right? You need to get a bunch of vaccinations to travel to a different continent on our own home planet, but I'm sure it's absolutely safe for you to be stroting awroudn an alien world breathing in all the germs it has to offer. I'm sure even Gwyneth Paltrow would be able to understand why this is stupid.

And only a few minutes later, people are already getting sick... what a surprise! At this point I was rooting for them to all die on that planet so they don't infect the innocent people on their ship.

And what's the deal with this planet screen-writer guy? Is it a previously human colonized planet or life just happens to be exactly the same as on Earth?

Anyway, from there on everybody continues to communicate in exposition and deepities, everybody remains one-dimensional and most importantly a moron. Like captain Emo Faith Guy who is basically so gullible that he deserved an even more gruesome death. The villain of the story basically gave him his villain talk and he still followed him to his evil lair to get killed.

And don't get me started on the Danny McBride guy who was ready to risk thousands of lives including his own to try and save his wife, because being irresponsible and selfish was basically how people were selected for this mission. The most annoying thing was the fact that the landing party wanted to be rescued. It was beyond obvious that they had been exposed to a really powerful pathogen and they were still ready to go back up to the thousands of people they were supposedly responsible for so they could start sneezing little aliens all over them. I guess this scriptwriter didn't have the concept of quarantine. You get rescued off this planet, if and only if they have the option to put you in quarantine for the rest of the journey. And whoever sows signs of strange illnesses doesn't get to colonize the new planet.

I was really really disappointed by this movie and annoyed by the inability of the screenwriter to create a barely believable story with character's decisions which actually make at least a bit of sense.

I hope you enjoyed this stream of consciousness post somehow and thank you for getting to the end of it. I really needed to get it out or I was going to chew my girlfriend's ear off with complains about how poorly she chose the movie to see.