Attack of the Walking Dead killer zombie raisins - averted

Imagine my relief when I realised that some brave marketeer had managed to keep an army of devious raisins from infesting an innocent package of muesli. Maybe even a whole batch. It's as if someone figured out how to stop the Walking Dead in the nick of time, just before those zombies took over the world (I never made it to the end of the series - I assume they didn't...please say they didn't...?).

So anyway, raisin-free muesli.

Seen on the shelf in the local grocery store

I could accept this, but I'm just not in the mood

I mean, for crying out loud, they didn't have to take any raisins out in the first place. It's not like muesli grows in muesli fields right alongside raisin plants and the muesli and raisins get harvested together and you need a special process to separate the darned things.

Seriously, muesli is assembled in factories. In South Africa, as in most countries in this advanced world of ours, manufacturers are obliged to list the ingredients in said muesli on the packaging they put the product into in those factories. Raisins, by any measure, are ingredients. If you can read that this product is raisin-free on the front of the package, surely you can read in the admittedly smaller print on the back (apologies, dear reader, I didn't photograph that - you'll just have to trust me) that there are no dastardly dried grapes lurking in the bag.

Bonus peephole

And there's a bonus with this bag - not only is there a photo of the product, which shows that if there are raisins Present Without Leave in this muesli, they're camouflaged awfully well. To cap it all off, there's even a see-through bit in the bag which allows the Doubting Thomasest of shoppers to validate the bold claims of freedom from raisin tyranny.

What kind of lives have those poor marketeers led? Do they trust nobody?

Know when to stop

I kinda get that they had to say "no sugar added" and "wheat free" - I guess. And once they got past (or so I thought) what wasn't in the bag, the manufacturer at least took some time to say what it is - a "wholesome blend of oats and nuts for a high-protein, high-fiber meal" - okay, I'll bite, sounds pretty good.

But no, they had to keep marketing. Back to what's not there.

In subtraction to sugar and wheat, this muesli has, and I quote, no artificial flavours, colourants, salt or oil added. And - here's the kicker - it's "not a low calorie food".

For the love of paleo, anyone could figure any of this out by reading the nutritional information on the back!

So this got me thinking about other products marketeers could help with

How about gluten-free carrots?

Sugar-free milk?

Fat-free water?

Peanut-free peaches? (After all, let's be alert to allergies)

Mercury-free apples? (That one's just for the anti-vaxxers out there - you're welcome)

Cyanide-free almonds? (Oh, wait....)

Why stop there?

Broccoli-free cheddar? (Careful - I really like broccoli)

How about hair-free bread?

Ground glass-free tzatziki?

I could go on and on here...

...but this Steemit community is so clever and gifted that I'd love to hear from you about your own version of raisin-free muesli. And what's so bad about raisins, anyway? I loiks 'em.