Quitting Day 6 & 7 (Rage Turned Compassion)

7d 19h 8m
Bad Breath: 100% Breathing: 97%
Energy Levels: 97% Love for friends: 10000%

"I love my body. My boys deserve a healthy father. I honor my body & heart. I honor my boys & their future. I need to live as long as possible because my dreams are that big"

This weekend was pure inspiration. I spent two days with an amazing woman. I never felt so wanted before. I hope this lasts, but if it doesn't what I gained from our two-day conversation will last a lifetime. I'm going to attempt to explain that conversation now and I'm hoping you understand. We are all one. Every single person you meet is you. The harm they cause has nothing to do with you. There is a process to forgiveness and loving everything about you and truly loving everyone, which is you anyway. When you are hurt or feeling a negative emotion the first step is to go all the way back to the root cause in your memories. I know memories can be flawed and may not even be true, simply trust that they are true. Get to the most pinnacle moment of that memory. Change that singular moment to love. I'll give you an example:

WARNING!!! this next part is going to be very graphic and traumatizing, but if you have the stomach to handle it. It's worth the read. The names on this portion have been left out to protect those involved.

"Lay on the bed face down" A voice says in the dark room. The blanket is black. There are no windows. Around 70s style light hangs from a gold chain above the bed. I'm well trained to listen to what I'm told. I crawl onto the bed my favorite uncle is sitting in a folding chair to the left of the bed. I can see his blue eyes. My other uncle proceeds to remove my shoes and socks. Then pulls down my pants and my whity tighties. He grasped my left arm and pulls it above my head and ties it to the corner of the bed. He proceeds through the same processes with my right arm and both legs until I'm laying spread eagle on the bed with no pants on. My cute little white bottom my Dad use to spank after drying me is exposed to the air. I hear the belt buckle and the zipper as my uncle prepares to defile me. I'm staring into my favorites uncle's eyes as this process is taking place. I feel my lower body shift into the bed as my uncle climbs onto the bed behind me. He places both hands on my waist pulling me into the air. My cheeks clench. I feel him attempt to push into me. I clench harder and tighter. He is unable to enter me as I feel him slip up my back. He pulls me into the air harder. I clench again. I feel his attempt again. He is beginning to become frustrated, but I can't help the reaction my body has to prevent pain. His attempts are unsuccessful. The angle simply isn't working as I'm clenching and thrusting my pelvis into the bed. My uncle climbs off the bed and exits the room. He comes back in with a piece of wood. He lifts my bottom into the air as my favorite uncle slides the wood under me on both my hip bones. It feels hard and painful against me. My other uncle climbs onto the bed behind me again. I'm unable to clinch this time with the cold hardwood pressing against my soft skin and bones. As my favorite uncle unzips his pants and places himself into his hand I'm still staring into his beautiful blue eyes. I feel a white sharp pain from something to large being forced into a small space. The tight stretching of my skin as it gives way and a warm liquid fills my insides and flows down between my cheeks and onto the wood. I bite down hard as the pain becomes unbearable. Tears run down my face. I keep my eyes locked onto his. This is the pinnacle moment. I have a choice I can place anger and hate in this moment and despise my favorite uncle. After all he is the mastermind in this process. My other uncle is simply a puppet to be played with as pawn in a game of cheese. A tool to be used in my favorite uncle's horrible fantasies. This is the moment I claim. This moment belongs to me and me alone. I will take the pain. I place my adult mind in this moment, because the younger me only understands bad and good. He can not process the variables at play in this moment. He's unable to realize the cosmic events of history that lead to this very moment. I remove the child in this moment. I'm here now taking the suffering he has experienced for 28 years over and over. I'm processing this moment now. I'm receiving the suffering of my uncles as they pass their ancestral agony onto me. The child in me hated and despised my favorite uncle in this moment as images of hurting him ran through my child's mind. An image of grabbing a knife and running it across his throat and watching has his blood spray my face and my favorite uncle drops to his knees and then smacking his head with a thud on a concrete floor. My uncle's blood would warm my body as he laid on the floor and the red crimson stained the ground. A smile comes to my face as I claim the power over my uncle and the stained ground will stand as a testament to this child's power. Adult me removes the vengeful child and pulls him to safety. I place my mind and my body into this moment. I'm here to suffer. Not only the suffering of my body, but also the suffering of both my uncles that are unable to experience love and unable to see the beauty of life. I pity them. Those poor souls are lost in the darkest of abysses. I take their pain onto myself. Pound away give me all the pain. Let me feel your nightmare. Let me feel the pleasure of you realising your agony in to me. I'm strong I can handle it all. Give it to me now. My eyes are still locked onto you uncle. This is my moment and I want you to know. I love you and I will always love you. Hug me and let me hold the child suffering inside of you. Let me show you love and heal your soul. You are forgiven. I'm here now to tell you that you are safe. You can realise your pain. Let your tears fall down like rain and feed the seed of love inside you that has been ignored. I love you. Stab me, murder me, tear my body to pieces, spill my blood all over the black blanket. I love you. This moment is mine now. I claim the love in this moment and I share it with all of you. This love is a bottomless well from deep within me. I will turn now and not only offer my other cheek, but my entire body for you to punish and devour. I love you. Thank you

To everyone that was able to read this far. I hope you understand what I'm doing and I hope you understand that I have found a way to love the unlovable. This is the unloveable part of me. This is my memory and I claim this moment. It's mine now and I urge you to claim your moments of pain and switch your hate to love. After all, those that caused pain as simply the part of you that needs love.

I love you all