Are You Driven by Fear, or Purpose?

Are you driven by Fear, or Purpose?

Do you believe that there are such thing as "bad people" in this world that you're afraid of?
I can tell you what drives me. I can share my experiences with the world if you're willing to listen.
I was never taught to believe in "bad people." I meet everyone with an open heart and decide for myself whether or not I want to be around them.

I was a straight A student until I was expelled from school in ninth grade. I participated in spelling bees and sports of all sorts. I didn't judge people just because they identified with some clique. I just hung around with whoever I wanted to hang around with at the moment. I went to church with my grandparents, enjoyed vacations with my family, and had everything I thought I needed. I was happy for the most part. I felt very disconnected from this world though. I liked to understand how things worked, to find purpose in everything I was doing. When I was told to do something, I often asked, Why? My questions were often unanswered. I'm not sure that the people I was asking knew why they were doing what they were doing anymore.

Nothing made sense to me, so when the people around me couldn't answer my questions with a reasonable answer; when I was told, "Because I said so," or "That's just how it is," I chose to do it anyway and find out for myself what I thought was right. I got in a great deal of trouble as a result of it. When I saw people drinking and smoking, I wanted to. When I was told that I couldn't and nobody could give me a reasonable explanation as to why, I chose to find out for myself. When I was punished for being honest and true to myself, I learned not to share my true beliefs. When someone picked on me and made me feel different, I beat them up. When my license was suspended before I was even old enough to drive because I was convicted of underage alcohol consumption, I drove anyway. I wasn't a "bad person," I was simply true to myself. I felt cast out from society and I suffered a lot as a result of my persistence.

I had a social worker who I thought was mean that would place me in a group home or juvenile detention center every time I violated some rule she had written on paper. The group home was the worst because we weren't allowed to talk to each other AT All. It was the same way in a prison boot camp I later participated in, and if you haven't personally experienced what it's like to be placed inside of a cage and completely isolated from anyone you can relate to (maybe one of your captors wanders by periodically); I can assure you first-hand that it fucks up your head. We all have a need for socialization and self-determination and when we are denied the opportunity, we often forget how to do so. We are never too old to learn.
Unfortunately, all of the punishment in the world could not force me to change what I believe. I only grew cold and bitter towards the law and Authorities who continued to bully me. I learned to live in fear. I didn't do what they wanted, I just started telling them what they wanted to hear.

I was labeled with having oppositional defiance disorder, marijuana and alcohol dependency, and poly-substance abuse. I refuse to limit myself by living within a label. Now people used to tell me, "You'll learn the hard way." I did learn, but maybe not what you thought I'd learn. I didn't conform, I adapted. I began walking back and forth between the 2 dimensional labels of "light and dark, good and bad." Once I was able to pick and choose for myself what I thought was right or wrong, I no longer needed someone to define which was which. I have stayed true to what I believe in and I have no regrets. I just continue learning and adapting my beliefs along the way. I ultimately value happiness and I find it within myself by sharing it with others.
My goal has always been to better understand the world in which I live. I have learned to set aside my fear and base decisions on cause and effect. I've found that whether or not what I'm doing is right or wrong in anyone else's mind, I feel good because it's what I believe in. Nobody should have to suffer like I did. I am not a bad person and I don't care what you think. I am equal to you, plus your experiences minus my own.

I believe that we cease to learn when we stop questioning what we've been taught. Let's all start sharing our experiences so that we may build a brighter future for everyone :-)