PTSD Self Healing with trust issues
I have learnt to trust no one, do not understand or know how to really relate to others, or myself, I lived a life of a victim, feeling unloved unlovable, always reaching for others to fulfill my emptiness. Never of course succeeding, self only pushed everyone away. Or I attracted people who somehow understand how vulnerable I was and used and abused me, whether they were adults as my mothers' partners, my mother, friends, or male partners. I seemed to always be able to fumble my way in and out of horrible situations, and still managed to stay alive. Barely living but alive. My life finally hit an all-time low, in my fifties, with one extreme life experience, in which I ended up in counselling for over 10 years. By this time in the 20th century, enough medical studies had begun on the human physic & PTSD to understand the steps and how it effects the body.
People who have not experience PTSD find it hard to grasp the intensity, the complexity or the extremes of emotions and thoughts related to the brains body. They somehow think its power of thought over the body that can cure anything. And this is true for people who have not had PTSD, and the power of thought is very healing. The exception is the brain on PTSD. It's not so simple to control some aspects of the mind, body and soul. PTSD is an all-consuming cycle of extremely intense negative emotions and thoughts. It's a cycle of doomsday, with no visual, or thought-provoking way out. It’s vicious, uncaring, demanding, stressful, tiring, exhaustive, ruling, and suicidal way of living. PTSD has been misinterpreted in me as being bi-polar, depressed, low iron, slow, anger issues, and the list goes on and on. All medications I was placed on, I have had a really bad reaction to. Prozac was the worst!
Antidepressants just place me in a sleepy state, and it's not restful as one thinks. It just makes me lazy, and lifeless, which is not what I want. I already walk around in a daze without having some drugs forcing me into a double dazed state.
The first step that worked was being placed on thyroid medication. It regulates the chemistry in the body and it helped with breaking into the negative thoughts that the body produces; the body produces chemicals on levels that we humans have no idea about! And my thyroid has been working in high overdrive & in overtime since my birth. So I believe my thyroid does not run at the normal levels that are assumed by the medical profession. When I was in my thirties, I happen to see a doctor who had studied thyroid (he was later disbarred for his work) as he believed most of our health problems were from the thyroid not working correctly and placed me on a dosage that was above the normal, and it worked! My mind started to work on a different level, and it somehow broke part of the PTSD pattern so I was not always in a suicidal state of mind. The PTSD was still overriding my emotions but I had lost the self-loathing suicidal thoughts. Yet, I was still in a victim state of being, feeling worthless and tired. But it was a welcome brake and change in my mind. A break from one of the many cycles in my mischievous brain with many more to go.
Over the years, and it took several, I have found another doctor who tests my thyroid on a regular basis, and my dosage is regular for me but is more than the average guy and if I am off thyroid for a short period of time, say two days, my mind starts to wander into the dark hole of self-loathing, deceitful, suicidal thoughts.
Although I have put on hormone treatments they do not work for PTSD thoughts and just screws up the body in our ways.