The Joy of feeling Lovable PTSD and ME

PTSD is not something that only affects military personnel in combat. PTSD can affect anyone who has been through a traumatic event.
Hello Steemit
My Name is Hurt Porter III
I am a Veteran who served in the Navy/Marine Corps as an 8404 Corpsman or in civilian terms combat medic.
I have lived with PTSD and have learned to thrive in spite of it. I am committed to sharing my life with you so that your life may be easier.
Enjoy

I have felt unlovable for a very very long time. It is the only reason why I put myself through such pain and abuse in the past. Not feeling lovable allowed me to choose some of the worst people to be around. As I look at the people of my past. I was attracted to alcoholics, drug addicts, abusers and bullies who hated themselves. I hung out with men and women who did not like me. I gravitated toward people who insulted me and belittled me. I enjoyed the abuse, I thought it made me stronger. This is one reason why the military was such a great fit for me or so I thought. It was the only place I could be hurt on a daily basis and feel accomplished all at the same time. I only increased the self hate and lack of love for myself in that environment.
I am now 43 years old and it has taken me 15 years to realize how Lovable I am. I cried last night when I thought of all the things I did to hurt myself and I apologized to myself and forgave myself for it. I recommitted myself to my own well being. I am still going to hurt myself but it will now be in a good way. The things that are uncomfortable and painful that will lead me to a more Whole and Healthy Self is what I will do more of. I have found a love for myself that I felt as a child. All I want to do is improve on that self love and expand it.
I grew up in a very abusive and cruel world. I no longer am in that world and I have no desire to recreate that world. The question I now ask myself every day is "WHO DO I WANT TO BECOME?"
I'm done