Fighting from enemy

I wrote this blog to my wordpress account and I want to share it also to fellow Steemians. Every mother of new babies often have lots of questions. But in my case on my 3rd baby, the youngest I start having this questions. Am I doing this right? What have I gotten myself into? I can say it’s hard to get into this situation. Sometimes I feel like I’m insane because of non-stop questions that keep on my mind. People may think that the first days, weeks, months of your child’s life should be the happiest of your life. And yes I was overwhelmed with love for my baby but I was also paralyzed by anxiety and worry. I was able to take care of my baby, but I couldn’t do a thing for myself. I wasn’t eating or sleeping. properly. It was like my body buzzed with worry. I would get up, feed Baby Marcos, change diapers, sing to him, but my mind was constantly looking into the future at the next possible catastrophe.I didn’t want to see anyone because I knew they’d expect me to be a new, glowing mother, and I was far from that.I knew I was on an emotional roller-coaster but I couldn’t pull the brake.I prided myself on being easy-going, emotionally stable, happy, strong, confident. There had to be some way for me to pull myself out of this lonely darkness., I finally felt so out of control and frightened that I prayed for help. I couldn’t deal with my angry moods because I could blame my partner or my circumstances and explain it away.What finally opened my eyes to the seriousness of my condition was that I became suicidal.I want to hurt myself. Then I would think about my children, cry some more, and I talked to God a lot and said, “God, I may be an angry person, I may have low self-esteem at times, but I love life and I especially love my children. What is wrong with me?”

This is what can happen to you when you have some forms of postpartum depression. It is on your mind is attacking you from the inside. Your moods go wacky and your thoughts are not what they would be under normal circumstances. It is important for you to understand that this is a biochemical response and should not be ignored, and it is not something to be ashamed of. It is not your fault if you become ill after childbirth. It is your choice whether you take it seriously enough to get help.The only way to get over with it is ACCEPTANCE. Accept that you need help, you need support from your family and your partner.

The funny thing is, this is a story I have yet to tell. At first, I admit to being embarrassed. The thought that I needed to be medicated, that I was depressed, was something I didn’t want anyone, but my partner, to know. Even today, as I write this down, my mother, my sister, close friends will be hearing my story for the first time. But I knew it was something I needed to share. Because I remember how lonely and dark those months felt. I remember what it felt like to be putting a bright face on my sad heart. And I hope that by sharing it here with all of you, someone reading my story, and living my same experiences will realize that they are not alone.It isn’t just you. You are not alone. There are answers. And relief. And hope. And help.And God.