MENDING FENCES

Have you ever done something out of anger and regretted it then later saw reason why your action was right the first time? I have, though not as often as I would want. For a while now, I have been minding my business, spending quality time with myself, learning to know myself and understand who I am as a person, a brother, a son and maybe a friend to people around me. In this period, I have learnt a lot.

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_{pixabay: RitaE}

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Everybody has reacted differently towards my self-imposed exile. Some, who I had expected to understand or maybe sympathize, have been antagonistic and some have simply walked away, maybe out of irritation or boredom, I don’t know and I actually do not care. I have spent a long time trying to make peace with people, make people feel good, advice people, share experiences with people and I have come to realize recently that no one really wants to know what I think about how they live their lives. No one wants my two cents. So I have stopped talking.

Stopped talking not stopped writing. I write as much as I can, not as much as I should but I rarely speak except when I am being spoken to. In fact, I have become used to the monologues in my head that I barely notice the absence of people around me. I go days without stepping out of my home and it is fine by me. People may consider it as weird but it is the only way I can deal with the rubbish that abound in my life.

Recently, someone I considered a friend deserted me and I still do not know why. I hold nothing against her and I truly wish her every good thing but it made me feel insecure for a bit. It felt as if I am not a good person and cannot keep friendships but after a few weeks with myself , I accepted that I could not control anybody’s thoughts or opinions with regards to my person and cannot make people do what I want no matter how right I may be. With that in mind, staying away from people has not been difficult a thing to do.

When I first began this withdrawal from society as I may call it when making fun of myself, I cut off ties with an old friend who had broken my trust. In a moment of anger, I blocked him on facebook and whatsapp, deleted his phone number, blocked his family members who were my friends as well as friends that I had met through him. There was no way he could reach me and I was good with that.

Yesterday, a friend of his contacted me and tried to mend fences. In our discussion, I realized that I might have to renew our contact, not our friendship mind you. In my head, I wondered how I was going to connect with his family members again after cutting them off. His wife had just put to bed and she had called me to tell me but I have not gone to see them or the baby because I didn’t want to have anything to do with them. Now I feel guilty.

In this period that I have had time to be by myself, I have had reason to think on my actions and the reasons behind some of my actions and I have realized that I tend to over react to issues. I tend to go the extreme when hurt or when I feel slighted. I don’t do half baked, I go all the way. I also realized that actions that I have taken in such a state, I have in most cases come to regret even though I have never said it out loud.

My parents say that I have a nonchalant attitude towards things. They do not want to say that I have a nonchalant attitude towards life but I know that is what they mean. I do not take anything serious, people the least of all, this is why I do not find myself in a serious romantic entanglement right now. I find that people take their lives so serious that they tend to forget that life is supposed to be enjoyed yet, in my lack of ambition, I will be a raging fire if pushed or if I feel used.

Last night after my meeting with the friend’s friend, I thought to myself about taking actions while angry, being angry in the first place, putting myself in a place where people can use me and I realized that I really need to work on myself. It is never easy to admit that you are doing something wrong but it is always good to take a step back once in a while and study the journey to see how far you have come and the mistakes you have made along the way.

I feel like my life is just starting and there is so much that I can do. I have shifted my priorities into being the best that I can be to the people around me and giving as much good as I can. I am not a nice person I know but I continue to try each and every day to be better. As to friends, I think I will be more circumspect with the few I have. Not everyone who looks and sounds like a friend has been a friend and that is the way of the world. Good night.

©warpedpoetic, 2019.