Darkness Inside Me: When “Kindling” Becomes a Flame

It’s a darkness you can’t think your way out and you can’t wish it away. You can only numb yourself so much before it begins to devour your humanness. Major Depressive Disorder is not something that will just pass on its own, like say having a bad cold. It has to be de-stigmatized and treated like the real disease it’s always been. It’s a long difficult process that requires hard work.

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Milton's description of Hell in "Paradise Lost" seems appropriate when putting together the words to describe depression.

No light; but rather darkness visible
Served only to discover sights of woe,
Regions of sorrow, doleful shades, where peace
And rest can never dwell, hope never comes
That comes to all, but torture without end
Still urges, and a fiery deluge, fed
With ever-burning sulphur unconsumed.

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I don’t like to quote stats, but the American Psychological Association (APA) believes full fifty percent of all cases of mental illness begin by age 14, and three-quarters by age 24.

Mine appeared to begin right on schedule at age 14. By 15 my descent into hell had begun. Shortly after 15th my birthday I became just another statistic in the Department of Education’s tomes of high school dropouts, flailing in the wind. No plan, lost in the wilderness of life.

Just what happened, nature or nurture? I’m not certain whether it’s genetics or some other organic cause. My leanings are it’s a combination of genes and environment.

There are some risk factors predisposing people to MDD. Sometimes chemicals in the brain are out of whack. Genetics. Low self-esteem. Being easily overwhelmed by stress. Being pessimistic. Continuous exposure to violence, neglect, abuse or poverty can make some people more vulnerable to depression.

So why me? Why not...!

I was born into a family with two loving parents who appeared to take good care of me. My extended family were good people and we lived in a small town of 7,000. We had a house, food, family get togethers, it seemed life was good. As a child much of the time I was sick, I was small for my age. I filled out and become healthy during my teenage years, about the same age I began experimenting with alcohol and drugs.

Some years later my grandmother told me my great grandfather had committed suicide by shotgun, leaving his wife with 7 children. My uncle had a severe nervous breakdown not just once, but twice. My mothers sister also had a break with reality and her daughter (my 1st cousin) has mental illness. There’s also depression and alcoholism on both sides of the family.

The deck seemed stacked against me from the beginning.

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Then there’s always “Denial”, the defense mechanism that allowed me to avoid the reality of the situation by just refusing to acknowledge it. Denial and depression seemed to be my life plan until around age 30.

The official DSM definition of depression is that it’s an emotional state characterized by feelings of sadness, emptiness, and/or tearfulness. A condition characterized by pervasive dysphoric mood, loss of interests, and inability to experience pleasure.

Other even more disturbing symptoms are withdrawal, loss of interest in others, a drop in functioning or difficulty performing familiar tasks.
Difficulty concentrating and heightened sensitivity to sights, sounds, smells or touch.
Avoidance of over-stimulating situations, apathy, feeling disconnected (sense of unreality).
Illogical or “magical” thinking.
Nervousness and suspiciousness of others.
Uncharacteristic or peculiar behavior.
Sleep or appetite changes or decline in personal care.
Mood changes and dramatic shifts in feelings.

If there were boxes to check, I would score a perfect 100.

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Recently, I heard about a controversial hypothesis called “Kindling.” Repeated weak excitation of brain structures progressively increases sensitivity to the same stimulation. Over time, this can lower the threshold required to trigger episodes. Meaning it takes less and less stimulation to elicit a negative reaction (sounds similar to PTSD.)

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Creative types seem to have more bouts with depression. Some of my favorite authors suffered from depression - Virginia Woolf, Ernest Hemingway, Sylvia Plath, William Styron, the list is very long.

So, what’s my point.

THIS

As people we often see the world for its possibilities rather than its realities. Creatives see the world in many different facets and find it hard to keep a focus, to see things through, and ruminating endlessly about the smallest things.

Cycles of depression and creativity, expansive thinking and self-destructive behavior. One thing is true, if you have major depression, you have to get damn creative to survive it.

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