Voice of Steemit #1- Suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder and Depression - A Story Of My Life

Hello everyone,

Today I'd like to share the story of my life. Filled with amazing and troubled times, it is a journey worth sharing. If you had met me, a few years ago, I would have said my life was an utter waste; I could never be the one I truly wanted to be, not a useful element to this world.

For some people, their troubled time starts when they can't get a job, when their heart is broken, when they are financially broke, but not with me. My troubles started from the day I was born. I was born on December 9th, 1986; my birth was fine however I came out looking more like a chameleon than a baby in this world. My dad likes to put it this way, I was blue first, then a nice shade of red before getting that lovely pale color most babies have. Unfortunately, when I decided to enter this world, I was half choking myself with the umbilical cord. I am not sure if that was the cause of my Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) or not. I don't think suffocating on the way out into this world would be healthy for a small developing brain.

I was diagnosed with ADD and stricken with a life that alienated me for the majority of my school life. ADD sucks; it limits your attention span to almost nothing. The school was like a horror movie for me. Sitting in a room for 8 hours straight was frustrating for someone like me. Not because I didn't want to learn or I didn't grasp what was being taught to me, it was the context that frustrates the hell out of me.

If you give me a book and tell me to learn, and I will tell you that's not going to work. I can't memorize anything; words are just a bunch of things that hold little value to my brain. My ADD likes to pick and choose what is important and what is not. Unlike a normal functioning brain, my ADD just picks at random what holds value and what doesn't, whether it's important to me or not, doesn't matter.

And then comes the other kids. Some kids are good, but some are bullies even at a young age. I took special classes all the way up until my senior year in high school. Maybe, you will be pissed to know that I was able to cheat my way through my general education legally. I will get the whole paper a few days before the exam, the actual paper that will come in the exams. Then, I made a few friends in the high school, hey man for five bucks I can get you exactly what we are going to be taking a test in a few days...you in? I don't advocate cheating, and I don't think it was right for them letting me do that, but I guess when your brain doesn't memorize or retain information in a way it's taught in school, what else can it do?

I was always different; we were the kids that took classes and had long study halls and way more one on one teaching than anyone else. That was fun, sure, but I have been called everything under the sun. I will let you wonder and think about all the horrible things I was called. I feel pain for every young adult or child that commits suicide, it certainly was on my mind from time to time. I put a gun to my head twice and trust me, I was just a second away from my death, just the right decision at that time to not pull the trigger saved my life......

Fast forward to the senior year of the high school, at this time in my life I had enough of being everyone's punching bag, and not just emotionally, physically too. Uncountable times I had pretty heated fights that got out of control. When you feel like the whole world believes you're a useless, brainless piece of crap because you are different, that you need help learning and need special attention it creates a lot of hatreds. Especially when they find out you can pretty much cheat. That's what it was, cheating; you can call it whatever you want.

I had enough of it now. I said you know what, I don't want your stupid help anymore. Take me out of these special education classes and put me in the regular classes. Now, I was taking regular classes just like everyone else; the difference was I no longer wanted to have tests handed to me, days in advance. I didn't have to study in the halls anymore. I was effectively saying I don't want your help, I want to be like everyone else.

The last year of the high school was the hardest, I wasn't cheating anymore, but I learned something exceptional about myself. Something snapped inside me. I realized that although I might be different how dare anyone call me all those things they have called me for years, even though I was different I was exceptional. Yes for the first time in my life, attributing different meant something other than weak.

Now, I was happy I was not “normal”, whatever the hell normal is. That I had a gift and not a curse. That I might not learn, or be like everyone else but I was not flawed I was special. This was the first turning point in my life.

Senior year was one of the best years of school I ever had. I was standing up for myself and quite frankly everyone left me alone. I didn't care if you were going to cut me down, I had no problem looking at someone and saying you know what, I don't care. What's so great about you anyway?? Oh, you think you're cool to pick on someone with a neurological disorder that can't do anything about it. WOW, you are a grown-up person picking on someone about something they have no control over. You know I am glad I'm not you, to be someone that thinks so lowly of themselves they have to pick on someone like me to feel better.

People who otherwise have gone along with the gawking started to realize that misbehaving with people who are different is quite mean. Thinking and acting in this way made me realize that there is a choice to be a victim or not, in life. The world can't make you a victim only you can do that. I started to stand up for myself, and for others. I, of course, wasn't the only one who was different in my school and this support for others built a great respect inside me, for less fortunate people like myself. I'd like to say in that last year of high school I made a difference, maybe small and maybe for a few but we were no longer victims and the people that once gave us a hard time were now on the other side of the fence. Now other people were telling them, you know what why don't you just leave them alone. They are good people, in fact, they are better than you all. They don't go around beating down people to act cool. I didn't go around advocating these people being mean to the ones that once gave us a hard time day in and day out. I'm for peace, love and the working together as a human being I would have to admit it was nice seeing someone else showing that the other side is not so green too.

Time went on, I graduated high school which I thought would never happen, and then I entered into the adult world. I went to a technical college for a few month, but it was just too much. I always felt somewhat cheated by the school, the things they taught us were pointless. To be honest, I still feel the same way. Why don't they teach us how to talk to one another? Why don't they teach us about thriving as an individual and being human? How to follow your dreams and how to achieve them? Sure you can accomplish anything, but it does not happen out of thin air...

I had a hard time finding a job, my uncle offered to take me and to work with him at his lawn care company. It was just him, and I figured we could be like the two grass cutting bandits or something. That was fun, but I found out after a few years (7 years total) that he was the asshole everyone told me he was. I worked hard and probably cut some of the nicest grass in all the town. It was never good enough for him, however. I was called lazy, stupid, among other things.

I had gone into a terrible depression. My father always had a terrible depression, but I always had a bond with him, because we understood each other more than anyone else. He had thought of suicide, a few times when I was younger. I didn't know about it however until I was much older. I started feeling pretty worthless again. About how the world didn't understand that I can't go to college and get a degree because books and listening to a teacher for hours, just don't work for me. I started having anxiety issues, about the world after 9/11 happened. About how the world is cruel and unfair, and it got to the point again that I convinced myself that one day I was just going to die. Anxiety can be quite frightening when you can't breathe and have chest pains, you can have a major heart attack. When looking at it objectively and with a clear mind you realize it's pretty foolish to think you are in your early 20's and could die from a heart attack. That hardly happens unless you live an unhealthy life and your heart is in that bad shape. Plus my mom was a nurse in the outpatient surgery area of the hospital, that takes care of patients before and after heart related surgeries, and assured me I wasn't dying.

Then when I hit rock bottom, these were the years in the making. We are talking years of feeling worthless I was approaching my early 20's with not starting my life. Not being happy with where I am at. I came to a realization that I need to do something that didn't require books or a teacher to learn but rather something that was hands on. Pictures, and actually doing something hands on to learn were always my strong points. My art teacher adored me, she once told my mom at a meeting that if she could wrap me up and take me home with her she would....yeah quite creepy. She was an excellent teacher and made me realize I love art. That I loved doing things with my hands.

I also realized that I was becoming a victim again. Something that I swore off in high school. So here I was again at a crossroad. I took a few jobs here and there but realized working for others never really felt all that good. I still to this day hold down a pretty crappy job, but the difference is I swore off being a victim to the world. My boss can say this and that, and my answer is quite often I did my best if it's not sufficient you can fire me, I can find my way. Because you know what I'm not a slave of yours I'm a HUMAN and if you feel it necessary to beat me down, keep your money and job. People rarely stand up for themselves and other people use it to their advantage. It's sad but it's the truth.

I think everyone can overcome the challenges in life. We face them all the time. People with ailments of all sorts do amazing things. And we will say I don't know how they do it I couldn't possibly do it, yet you can. See my ADD is not going anywhere but I have taught myself that although I have ADD. It's not a disease; it's a gift. I can say, hey, it's OK to be different. It's OK to not be like everyone else. The only thing that matter is to strive for tomorrow. To try to be a great person, regardless of how the world wants to define you. Find out what works for you and do.

I think this goes hand in hand with what most entrepreneurs would say that defines success and failure and the answer is quite surprising. The answer is not money, or upbringing, or even work. It's the attitude towards life that means everything. Most people won't even start; they belittle themselves to the point of doing nothing at all. Sure success doesn't always work that way, and sometimes working full out still fails. That doesn't mean you can't get up and try again; it's not the end.

I spent my whole life thinking it's over, I am no good and will die now, all these negative things. But when I realised, ending something will have no result, there are ways that can change you, can grow you, things can get better. Focusing on bad only creates more pain. Focusing on the future and your strong points lead you on a path that you want to travel.

When I have anxiety now, I just take a break. No one will ever criticize you for saying hey I just need 5 min to calm down. If they do you need to surround yourself with better people. I go out and take photos, I take a walk. Sometimes I just go in a quiet room and close my eyes and just chill out. I know you have heard all kinds of stuff like this and think, Yeah ok, that won't work. I was that way too. Sure not all things work for everyone, and what works for one might not work for others.

I took counseling from time to time, talking about my feelings never did much. I had to look inside myself and understand who I am, and more importantly who I want to be. I know why my dad was depressed and angry to this day, it was because he didn't follow his dreams. He's mad about everything, the world, the way we live, how the government is secretly trying to kill us all off. I say to him just LET IT GO. Who cares?!?! Just live. Just live the life you want, if someone has a problem with it oh freaking hell..but he just can't let go. He worked for 30+ years for a company he feels doesn't care about him now. I was angry at the world and myself, just like him. Angry that I wasn't trying to become who I wanted to be, and what I wanted to accomplish.

I came out of all of this as a person that doesn't let the world define him. That if I have something to say I'm going to say it. Like it or not, I don't care. I have a right to my opinion. It's your choice to listen or run. It's your choice to be around. I certainly don't have to fix for everyone's problems. I recently saw a report that a staggering 85% of Americans feel like their life is hopeless and worthless and to me, I feel it's because they are doing things that no longer make them happy. They are letting the world force them to who they want to be. Don't let life silence you, don't let life define you, and certainly don't be a victim to your own life.

Unique Story ID: DEPR01

The story owner if he is reading this may attend our support system and let us know his availability through the link below. Make sure no identity is revealed while doing so.

Google Forms Link To Confirm Your Participation

We at Voiceshares want to handle this subject in a sensitive manner, with an aim to not only create an ongoing and healthy discussion around the topic, but to assist and reach out to all those who are silently suffering with depression and let them know that we care, and that their voice won’t go unheard.

Submit you story of depression through the link below, let us help you find a support system

Google Form Link To Submit Your Story

If you connect yourself with the initiative. Do follow, upvote and resteem to help us help you.