Are Looks Important in a Marriage Decision?

Have you ever thought if appearance area unit necessary in an exceedingly wedding decision? does one marvel however extremely you ought to prize appearance as you concentrate on your ideal traits in an exceedingly life partner? Reader Rachel recently sent during this question and that i thought to reply to the current via a diary post instead.
Marriage may be a terribly personal call. Some like partners World Health Organization area unit superb trying, whereas some don’t. Some like their partners to be fuller with “meat,” whereas some like their partners skinny. boost {the fact|the terribly fact|the actual fact} that what constitutes beauty may be a very subjective issue, it then becomes not possible to allow this question an explicit answer.
But if you question me for my opinion, IMO looks, within the grander theme of things, ought to be a secondary criteria. That’s as a result of appearance area unit temporary, whereas our mind and soul, these area unit forever.
My expertise
By currently most of you'd knowledge I met my husband Ken; if not, you'll be able to browse my soulmate series wherever I detail our journey from however we have a tendency to met to however I knew he's my one.
So the 1st time I ever met him at school, i believed he was superb trying. I later got wind that he was scouted to be in an exceedingly field hunting contest and even won third. Tall, well-built, and handsome, he was sort of a “dream come back true” reasonably guy on behalf of me, although i used to be ne'er longing for somebody World Health Organization was sensible trying. As a self-inferior lady then, I conjointly didn’t suppose a lot of of myself and my appearance to suppose that I might ever have a “chance” with somebody with such attractiveness.
When we reacquainted nine years later, he still looked sensible, albeit slightly aged as he had been smoking and drinking most within the years previous. He has since reversed the damages, looks-wise, when quitting smoking and drinking. Then, once it came to assessing our compatibility in different areas, he clad to be my excellent match, thus it became a no brainer that he's the one on behalf of me.
Hair Loss drawback
Now the issue is Ken suffers from, or wont to suffer from, severe hair loss. (I didn’t point out this before as a result of I didn’t suppose it had been my issue to mention, however I’ve checked with him and he says to write down no matter i would like.) essentially he wont to suffer from premature male-pattern hair loss, a condition wherever men and girls lose hair at their temples and/or the highest of their scalps. The cause is unknown, although in Ken’s case it’s probably as a result of biological science — although strangely his pater is in his 60s and still has heaps of hair.
Now I don’t knowledge you understand hair loss, however in Singapore and a minimum of from my experiences growing up, hair loss is incredibly a lot of seen as grossly unattractive, embarrassing, and even a shameful issue. in reality if you explore the older male celebrities in Singapore compared to those in Hollywood, you’ll notice male celebrities have a lot of higher hair lines in Hollywood (Leonardo Dicaprio, Saint Nicholas Cage, Jude Law, Bill Murray) than here. Here in Singapore, each male celebrity has numerous hair even at the age of fifty, and their thick hair is clearly from artificial treatment vs. being naturally rich.

Add to the actual fact that there area unit several hair loss treatment firms in Singapore that pay heaps of cash blasting their ads in looking malls, TV, and roadshows and making shame/negativity around hair loss, it perpetuates the thought that hair loss is incredibly serious and unacceptable, that it's shameful to lose hair, and if you're losing hair you would like to repair this drawback ASAP — even at the value of giant sums of cash. UN agency the social stigma from having a receding hairline here is regarding 5-10X vs. all different places I’ve been in (except for Hong Kong that I notice may be a terribly looks-focused country too).
So for Ken, the matter wasn’t simply that he was losing hair, however that he was losing it at such a young age. Male-pattern hair loss hits seventieth of men and four-hundredth of girls at some purpose in their lives, however in his case it started in his middle 20’s and got very unhealthy in his late 20’s. By the time he was thirty, he had lost regarding hour of his hair, which is, well, a lot. Over [*fr1] his hair was gone. Not solely was his hairline a lot of higher — it had a definite “M” form — his hair throughout his scalp was conjointly quite skinny.

Losing most of his hair thus quickly was naturally a depressing expertise for him. This wasn’t natural hair loss over decades, however fast hair loss in an exceedingly few years. Not solely did it create him look less enticing by the Singapore society’s normal, it conjointly created him look a lot of older, sort of a man in his late 40s, instead of 29-30 that was his real age then.
While he tried to require his hair loss into stride at the start, he eventually saw a doctor World Health Organization prescribed him medication. This medication gave the impression to work well as his hair began to grow back, and by the time we have a tendency to reacquainted (he was thirty one whereas i used to be 28), Ken looked an equivalent as his past self once I 1st met him at school, albeit older.
What If Ken Was hairless once I Met Him?
Now the issue is, what if his hair ne'er grew back? What if he solely had four-hundredth of his hair after we reacquainted? Would I actually have liked him? Would I actually have thought of him romantically? Would I actually have married him, to quote Rachel’s question?
First off, this is often quite an strange question to contemplate on condition that Ken is my husband and we’ve been married for many years currently. I see Ken as a core a part of} my life a bit like letter may be a core part of World Health Organization i'm, and it doesn’t matter albeit he has one strand of hair left, no hair left, or if he had a completely totally different face — I’d still marry him.
But if i'm to imagine that I didn’t grasp any of these things, that i'm my 28-year-old single self currently once more with no awareness of what we’ve been through, which Ken and that i area unit simply meeting for the primary time once more when years, then I’d say I’d be appalled at the start.
Firstly, I already knew him back once he had numerous hair and every one, thus to visualize him hairless and searching thus totally different when simply a number of years would be quite stunning.
Secondly, after you meet a date prospect for the primary time, you’d in all probability expect him/her to a minimum of look his/her age, sans attractiveness or good dressing. I already knew that appears weren’t all that necessary to Pine Tree State in an exceedingly partner at that point, however I did subconsciously expect that my dates would a minimum of look their age — plus-minus a number of years. Since Ken would look additional like he was forty five instead of his real age of thirty one with most hair loss, it had been one thing I’d need to “normalize” 1st.
However, on the far side that, I don’t suppose it might have modified the result of our relationship. Why do I say that?
Firstly, the explanation why I married Ken or got in conjunction with him isn’t as a result of his appearance. It’s as a result of his kindness, openness, reliableness, and honesty. I bear in mind being terribly affected by him {early on|early|timely|ahead of time|too thuson} {when we have a tendency to|once we have a tendency to|after we} chatted (this was when we reacquainted however before we met) as he was so altruistic and giving. That he clad to be terribly intelligent and acutely aware that was a dream come back true on behalf of me, thus once it minified as to if to marry him, it had been clear that he's the person on behalf of me. maybe his appearance may need expedited our affiliation at the start on atiny low level, as having somebody World Health Organization appearance enticing to you'd naturally pique your interest in an exceedingly romantic manner, however while not all his different traits, our friendly relationship would ne'er have advanced to anyplace close to relationship standing.
Now the second and additional necessary issue i would like to mention are a few things that I teach in Soulmate Journey, my course on finding love. throughout Soulmate Journey, I raise my participants to consider the type of partner they’d wish to have once they’re thirty, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, and even a one hundred. thus imagine yourself at these individual ages. What qualities would you rummage around for at every age? And what area unit the common qualities that you simply would rummage around for in an exceedingly partner across all ages?
While there area unit traits which will appear necessary at specific phases of our life — for instance, appearance would in all probability rank higher once we’re twenty or thirty — {chances area unit|likelihood is that|likelihood is|chances are high that} there are traits that frequently seem throughout every people, like sympathy, reliableness, caringness, and so on. These area unit the traits that area unit the important qualities to seem out for in an exceedingly life partner, vs. the qualities that bear on you currently solely. That’s as a result of the latter cluster is transient, however the previous reflects your real desires in an exceedingly partner.
So once I thought of this question, i spotted the foremost necessary things to Pine Tree State in an exceedingly partner whether or not I’m thirty, 40, 50, 70, or maybe a one hundred area unit somebody World Health Organization is (1) kind and (2) committed to his growth. These {are|ar|area unit|square Pine Tree Stateasure} qualities that matter most to me which I attempt to uphold, and therefore qualities I’d like my life partner to own too.
Ken met this in each manner attainable, and when we have a tendency to got along, the manner he would continuously be there on behalf of me, wait and see and validating toward everything I say/do, and be caring, reliable, open, and trustworthy regarding simply everything normally created it clear that this is often the person I see myself with forever. That he’s sensible trying and every one that weren't even imprecise factors of thought — wedding may be a life-long issue, and every one physical appearance can dissolve with time, even as celebrities come back and go once their appearance fade. there'll be every day once each Ken and that i are going to be previous and wrinkled, however World Health Organization he's as a person? this is often World Health Organization I’ll stick out forever.
Now say if Ken were really ugly (as defined by society) or he were balding seriously when we met. Perhaps I might be hesitant to date him at first, out of fear of how others would perceive me. I was 28 then and others would generally expect that I would date someone who looked my age. Add to the fact the public nature of my profile, I think that many people were already quite scrutinizing on who I’d date / end up with, and whether that guy would be attractive (since that’s the most visual part of a person).
However, as we interacted more as friends, I would inevitably feel more drawn to him because of the strength of his soul, his intelligence, and all his other great traits — kindness, compassion, generosity, authenticity, etc. I would gradually be warmed by his heart and kindness, which was what touched me about him at first. I’d start to see how attractive he is as a person, with or without hair, with or without conventional good looks. I’d start to realize that he is actually very attractive the way he is and admire his physical features and look for what they are. I’d also start to realize that my fears were really more vanity-driven fears, borne from living in a material world like Singapore.
And I’m sure I’d start to fall in love with him anyway, like how I did in real life.