Whose Life Do Our Children Live?
Often parents tend to attribute to their children qualities that they really do not possess. This phenomenon in psychology is called projection. The child may accidentally show some features characteristic of one of the parents, and... parents begin to project on him all other traits of character, which, in their opinion, he should have!
When the projection is triggered, parents begin to make more and more sure of the detected similarity. The projection is strengthened, and now they have formed an image, which the child must match. And as you know, children eventually become what their parents see them. Mom decided that her child is affectionate, and after a while it will become true. If the child is constantly called a lazy, do not be surprised that he really will become so...
The projection is quite common, but its results do not always have a good effect on the child. It is good when a positive image is projected. But it also happens that the child is undeservedly credited with negative features. For example - when relations between spouses do not go well, one of them can constantly blame the child, projecting on him the negative qualities of the second spouse.
But one of the most dangerous and common types of projection, is that the child will not live his life! Parents see in the child, as in a mirror, their negative character traits, their failures, their unrealized opportunities and even dreams...
On the negative features, many react very wrong, they do not help the child - talking and explaining to him, but they just start getting angry and annoyed. After all, this is something that they have not managed to overcome in themselves... So, they can not do this, they have not found the right way for themselves, and can not adequately help their child!
In the second variant, when parents see in the child the opportunity to realize their own dreams, there is nothing good too! With each attempt to reveal his own interests and potentials, the child will face a "stone wall"... After all, the RIGHT LIFE for him has already been chosen, there are no other options!
Children should develop as individuals. It is not necessary to ascribe to them other people's life scenarios. The task of parents is to allow the child to develop in an interesting area for him. Love your children! Listen to them and let live their own life!
Sincerely, Terry Craft.
Good post! But nowdays we pay too much attention to "children's needs" . Which normal parent want to harm their children? Children often learn that they have "rights" and deliberately misuse that "power", even if they have talents they choose to find easy way out. Playing games is much more fun then learning. So if we sometimes make mistakes as parents are we the only ones to be blamed or this is society's issue. In today's societies if you don't have "desirable" education or certain kind of looks and behavior you are almost certainly destined for failure. Parents just reacting like that out of fear of future offspring failure.
Love this, all parents should read this. I used the reverse of the projection of failure with my children. I went to University but did not finish, I did not see this as a failure for myself, I portrayed it as I had responsibilities to family. So in teaching and demonstrating to my children, I simply said, you don't want to be working harder, just smarter. Meaning you don't want to work in a grocery store all your life you want to go to school and get a meaningful career, one that you love, so finish school. As for sport and failure and parents pushing their kids to realize the dreams that they once had, this I agree is a big problem especially in minor sports. Thanks for sharing this insightful piece
Agree. Parents should let their children be what they want to be. Nice post.
Children need basic guidance, love and encouragement. They also need freedom within those boundaries to become what their Creator intended. Good post.
We all want the best for children. Instead of projecting, parents should nuture their children and be mindful of their individual traits.
I think parents do see children as a mirror.... they see them as their creation..... a mini me.... so to speak. I think a lot of this stems from the type of parents that objectify their children and see them in some ways as a possession. I have always embraced my daughter's quirks and opinions, but i really have to put conscious effort into avoiding forcing my beliefs and attitudes onto her. This is a great blog. I could read about child psychology all day xxx
In the early ages children slowly become what they see and hear.
True!
There's quite a bit of information on stuff like this now. As information and research becomes more available people start to realize what a large impact they can make even with limited interaction.
If someone finds this interesting look up codependency, it's similar but focuses more of the negative impact
If you would like to change something in others, let start to change yourself.
Your kids would always try to copy you > your habbits, behavior, passions