self love and acceptance....the conversations in my mind....

Not too long ago joined a group of women, well two groups actually, of spiritually focused women who refuse to settle for mediocre in any area of our lives. Using The Law Of Attraction principles, what you focus on grows. Which means focusing on the good will bring more of what I desire, of what feels good to me.

Sounds simple doesn't it? Well it is simple, but not so easy in the beginning. Especially if you are like me and so many other women who have let everyone else define who and what they "should" or "shouldn't" do, believe, think, wear and even our hair style and color. We have allowed society, along with family and friends to tell us what beauty is. And now we are struggling to discover what it is we (I) truly believe, like, love, feel and desire.

I truly have no clue on some things....I began asking myself questions...did I want to let my hair go back to it's natural white/silver? Do I want to cut it again? That one was easy, I did! So out came the hair clippers and I shaved off the artificial color and it has been over six months of growing my natural hair out.

The questions continued... "Do I want to dress more sexy, more modestly, with lighter colors, darker colors, more comfy?" "Why have I stopped dancing? I use to love to dance? Is it because I think I am too old and will look ridiculous?"

And even though I decided to go back to my natural color the conversation in my mind continued.... "I know coloring it makes me look younger, but I am not feeling like it makes me look "better". I mean I kind of feel like it makes me look harder. Do I want to look harder? Or do I prefer softer but worry about what others will think as I walk around with my younger husband?"

What about God? What do I believe? So much has changed for me over the years where God is concerned. I still believe in God. Yet from my life experiences I am still struggling with trusting God. Which is part of the work I am doing...learning I can trust God, and myself is key and this I know for sure, I FEEL it to my core.

These are just some of the questions I have been asking myself. I am learning to ask myself the question "How does this make me feel?" rather than "what do I think?".

For example, the day I decide to color my hair I did so on a whim. I had colored my daughter's hair and loved the color so I "thought" "Let's do it!" But as she was putting the color on I literally held back tears. I "Felt" like I was mourning! And to be honest I wasn't crazy about the color, we did mine a little different than hers. So the next time I put more red in it and liked that better....I needed more "wow" ;-) Still, I have missed the beautiful shine and different shades of white/silver of my natural color. But am I brave enough to say “I don’t care what anyone else thinks of me” and really mean it and stay with my natural hair color?

If my dreams are any indication the answer to that is "YES"! I actually have dreams where I can't see the beautiful silver white in my hair and I am distressed in my dreams! So clearly my soul sees the beauty of the "real" me and loves my silver white hair. The question of growing it long is still yet to be answered...I made a commitment to myself to not cut it for one year and then go from there. :-)

Okay, okay, back to the conservation in my mind...

Here's a biggy!!

What about the whole weight issue. I came into this world a tiny tiny baby, under 6 lbs. according to my mom :-) Until about 9 years ago I remained tiny tiny. The most I had ever weighed was 123 lbs. and that was 9 months pregnant and I gave birth to a 7 lb 15 oz baby girl!

I was teased for being so skinny by many females, some in particular were very hurtful. In the 80's the PTSD took on a new symptom.... I developed and eating disorder, it had nothing to do with my weight, as I said I was naturally very thin. Instead ED (short for eating disorder, but you probably figured that out ;-) ) decided to convince me that food was bad for me, dangerous. ED told me that if I ate I would die! The healthier the food or the more I liked it the more frightening it was for me to try to eat. ED showed up after a miscarriage I had where I nearly died from massive blood loss. That is a story for another time. The point is that during that time I struggled to try to get up to 100 lbs. My last stay at an eating disorder treatment center I weighed 90.2 lbs and I am almost 5’4” tall! I hated how skinny I was!

Now here I am in my 50's and I weigh about 147 lbs. It is like I am a whole other person! I find myself questioning " Do I like this new me?" " And if I do is it okay to like myself at this weight?" " Is it unfair to my hubby who married a tiny tiny 110 lb waif of a woman?" "Do I owe him my pretty?" " Do I owe him a tiny wife?" "Should I feel ashamed of my “giggly bits”?"

Then there is the whole aging thing! WHAT??? Did you know that your body does actually change and it speeds up even more after the age of 45?! Hmmm how do I FEEL about that???

Well, I will let you know when I do...You will no doubt see many changes during my discovery process. The good news is that I am awakened enough to know that I don’t know....that in itself is progress I am grateful for!

Until next time....