One day my children will say I was a bad parent
And they will be right.
Not because I actually am a bad parent. I do my best. This will happen because I am not an ideal parent, an easy or engaged or fun parent. Not most of the time, and probably not even half the time.
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They will be right because some days I can't find kind words and either do not speak or speak harshly. They will remember the way they felt on days when my spoons were low and they were rowdy and I spat out "Stop being an idiot, " or some equally hateful phrase passed down from my parents. It's been awhile, but I've even told them to "shut the fuck up" before catching myself and apologizing.
I am not always a good parent. Still, compared to where the bar was set by my parents, I am a great parent. I do not hit my kids or tell them they are incapable or inherently evil. I do not speak over their experiences to make sure they stay out of my lane. It's hard, but I work to share the road. I don't try to convince them I didn't speak rudely when I did. They heard what they heard and I'm sorry.
I am a parent who makes mistakes but keeps rising from the ashes, dusting her shoulders off and trying to be better than what she was taught to be.
All kids dislike their parents at some point. I have no doubt at least two of my three will be writers. They will roast me. It will be my turn. And I will be glad they, like their mother, knew to work through the hurt on the page even as I wish I had been better.
My hope is that as they drag me, they recognize how hard I fight to break the patterns of my parents; patterns my parents took the first steps in breaking when I was a child, and from which I learned I can do better. I simply must keep trying.
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This is so moving. As a parent, I worry all the time that I'm screwing my kids up because I don't seem to act like and do the things other "better" parents do. Truth is, no one is perfect (thank goodness!) but that we try, and fail, and try again is what makes us the good parents in this equation. If you were a bad parent, you wouldn't care. :)
I believe caring is the key. I'm always frightened by what I may be passing forward, especially in periods of depression or high anxiety when I'm less able to be present. Thankfully no one is perfect and I don't hold myself to that standard. <3
Thie truth of this post has helped me come to terms with my own childhood and parenting experience. The hope is that each generation will get better.
I wish you could have heard what my adult children said about their Dad at his memorial service. They learned a lot more about his childhood from relatives and it only deepened the love and respect they had for him. It helped them realize how much he had to overcome to be the parent he was. He may have fell short of normal but he was miles ahead of his own upbringing.
I trust that your kids will reach the same conclusion.
Nobody can be perfect and there are stages in life when you have to be harsh on children and they may hate you for that......no worries. Just let it go.
Cheers
This is absolutely true. For example, when they want or are trying to due something unhealthy or dangerous. I have to draw and hold the line, and they hate it, but when it comes down to it, there really is no other choice than keeping them safe.
This is my fear as well. That I will fail my children in small ways and that they will remember...
It's a big fear. I feel it. I hope they remember the good bigger than any minuses. <3
I think so, the guilt we carry is sometimes not remembered by the affected.
Acknowledging your own flaws in order to build from that, analyzing your own past not to repeat it, fighting everyday the pattern, makes you definitely a great parent.
Thank you. That thought gets me through many days. I'd love to be a storybook mom, but I'm really proud of what I'm able to be.
Well a storybook mom doesn't write such intense poetry. Being in the norm is not always achievement. Your pain and scars don't make you uggly but unique. And that is strength right there, for your kids :)
This is an awesome thing to say. Thank you. ^^^
Such a wonderful post, mama. We do better than our parents and pray our children will do better than we have. My kids know I love them with my whole heart. They know that is unconditional. They know I know I'm not perfect. The older ones even know how good they really have it compared to most of what goes on in the world. When they tell me they hate me, I tell them, "That's ok. I love you anyway. I used to hate my mom sometimes too." They often tell me I'm the best mom ever, and that's the best feeling ever - even if it's not true. Thanks for sharing this.
I love that we can love our kids even when they hate us. And I love the idea of my kids being better than me. I think my parents wanted better for me, but they didn't want me to "be" better than them. Because if I was, that would mean maybe they weren't right. Accepting we are wrong sometimes makes our relationships so much stronger.
Yes! Admitting wrong is so important!
I tell my kids they'll need less therapy than I did.
The fact that you do the above, that you are writing this and being honest, makes you a great parent in my eyes. Trying to be perfect is hard work and time consuming, it leaves you always wanting more. Life is about making mistakes, it is a journey the good the bad and the ugly. You are emotional and real and honest, to me that is what counts. It's ok to get upset and tell them that you can't handle things cos that is how life is, the thing is you are communicating with them, honesty and communication are so important. You are showing your kids that it is ok to have and express your emotions and that it is ok to make mistakes, as long as we acknowledge them and apologize if needs be. I really feel you are too hard on yourself. You are enough, you are a great mother xx
Thank you for reminding me that I am enough. I really am doing my best. It may not meet others' expectations, but that's not my problem. As long as I am trying, I am succeeding.
What works for you may not work for others and vice versa. You've already done huge leaps if you break out from the pattern and stepped up. Whatever we do, there will always be someone criticizing us. When they will parents themselves I hope they will realize how much sacrifice you did to be a great mom.
How many of us, I wonder, feel like this could have come straight out of our heads? It sure feels more like a memory than someone else’s story.
I read sincerity from your words and a strong wish to be a better mother to your children.
Your background from your own parents may have influenced that, but it's no crime but you must do all to be better than them.
I am not married but relate greatly with children. Children when shown love more will not feel hurt when you shout at them a few times. But when you shout at them than when you make them laugh more and come around you, they might not be free to tell you their pains and worries.
you can be that loving mother that you greatly desire to be. Its all about your determination and readiness to pay any price to be that good mother.
@shawnamawna you can!
Thank you @inspiredgideon1. We definitely have more laughs and snuggles than shouting. And you're right, I have to keep trying and doing better. I love my children. One thing I tell my kids is it isn't their fault when I react wrongly. I'm responsible for my own actions. I know they hear me because they come back to apologize when they make a poor choice. <3
That sounds cool. God will help you. Keep trying