How to Support Your Mutual Friends When You and Your BFF Break Up: 8 Tips

I'm a pro at having one extremely close friend at a time. I love deeply and with loyalty. I have a habit of giving my heart over so fully I wonder if I will ever get it back. In fact, I've been an all or nothing type of friend. I am currently trying to heal myself of that as it's rather reactive and codependent even if it is loving in its way.

I had a couple of friend breakups in the last few years. The first was a parting of ways because we could no longer share in the joy that brought us together. The second was more complicated. With the first, we discussed our need for space from each other with compassion and proceeded away from closeness with discretion. No mutual friends (of which we had MANY) were harmed in the parting. It was a healthy choice and the result is that, while this person and I are not close friends, we are still friends who get together on occasion and are not uncomfortable to spend unplanned time in each other's company due to mutual friendships.

The second parting of ways was far more complicated. Different people have different needs. Both my friend and I were hurt by the need to part, communication broke down, and no matter how much effort was put in, no understanding was reached. This was hard for me as I am (despite what I write about) a deeply private person. I am also not a vengeful person. I wanted a good outcome and it took me several months to admit to anyone that the friendship had fallen apart. Even then, I only did so to mutual friends who had heard about the breakup through the other party or as a result of observing lessened public interactions and unusual actions on the part of the other party.

Since that second friendship ending, I've watched mutual friends slip away. Some have blocked me across all media platforms. Some have attacked me on others. Some have simply stopped talking with me. This does hurt me, but mostly because all these mutual friends are people I still love and would love to support. I wonder if they feel guilty, as though they have to choose between me or Friend 2.

I hope that's not the case. None of the connections I still have need make a choice like that. We are adults capable of managing our own relationships.

My experience is that breakups are hard for all involved. As the main people ending a relationship, we can make it easier for our mutual loved ones by not expecting them to choose. Further, we can make it clear by not saying hateful words about the person we are breaking up with. Being kind creates space for self-compassion by repeatedly interrupting the harder emotions and preventing a negative thought pattern from developing.

This does not mean you need to silence yourself. It's a suggestion to temper yourself, as long as the person in question is not abusive or a danger to other friends, leave them to live their life just as you live yours. Here are a few tips:

1. Tell your friends about the breakup without blaming yourself or the other party, unless it was truly your fault. Then own the blame.

2. Give those mutual friends time and space to process the dissolution of your relationship. It can take minutes, days or years. Allowing for space shows you respect and trust them. In a way, this is the same thing as saying, "If you love someone, let them go."

3. Explicitly state they do not need to choose between you. Alternately, if it is too painful for you to trust them deeply if they are maintaining the other friendship, let them know you will need time to acclimate to that continued relationship and that it's not about them, it's about you.

4. Apologize. Breakups happen, and apologizing isn't taking the blame. It's saying you're sorry your mutual friends are caught in the middle of your pain.

5. Watch yourself. If you find you are growing territorial, you may need to clue in the mutual friend and say, "Hey, I'm having a really hard time sharing you." Again, clarify this is about you, not them.

6. Give yourself time. You've just been through an friendship divorce. Read up on the grief process and recognize that what you are feeling is natural and may be out of your control, but your words and actions are up to you.

1. And if the breakup was especially nasty? Take the high road and pride yourself in growing as an individual. Don't let anyone drag you into their negative spiral. It's natural to want to hurt others when we're angry but, again, we have a choice not to. Choose wisely.

2. Get the word out if they are an abuser. NEVER keep this to yourself. It's scary, but not sharing this is not only dangerous to others, it's unsafe for you. Be cautious in who you tell, but do cultivate a trusted network of 2-3 people who can support you as you recover from victimization, and who will also help stop you from walking back into that snare.

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