Does autistic mean emotionless?

I came across an article on undiagnosed women on the autism spectrum and read it with fascination as I always do when this topic pops up. I shared that I was observed with autism in mind for years, but ultimately was not diagnosed because I am female. This still boggles my mind. The truth, though, is coming to light about women and autism: you can be autistic and female, although it is not as easy to see because autism sits differently in women than in men. Whether this is due to nature or nurture (or both) is under investigation.

I love when female autists speak up about their experiences because I am able to find myself in their words. I believe people read to either escape their lives or make sense of them. I read about women with autism to make sense of mine.

One question I had was if I am real since my experience never matched up with other women's. I felt like a construct, mostly because I learned to pick and choose characteristics from others, mimic them to model "appropriate" behaviors as designated by society. These behaviors were most often less emotional. Reading voices from women on the spectrum has shown me where I fit.

When I first courted the idea that I might be on the spectrum, it was because my son had been diagnosed as high-functioning autistic. I read everything I possibly could to understand his needs and behaviors and how best to support him only to shake my head in wonder over whether the descriptions of processing and suggested parenting techniques weren’t truth for everyone. They certainly were for me. But I didn’t fully get the picture of myself as autistic until I came out of the closet. Literally. I guess autism is easiest to see when your stims show. My son has never been able to hide his, but I have always been able to disguise mine.

But back to this article—I read it and then I read some comments. One stated that the article was dry and boring because the woman who wrote it is on the spectrum.

Um.

I almost responded, “Hey, I’m on the spectrum!” I know my writing isn’t typically dry and boring. I usually have to edit emotion out because I have a tendency to overload readers by writing too accurately to my daily emotional experience.

I didn’t respond. Fortunately, someone else had jumped in to remark that it was very short-sighted to assign someone’s diagnosis as the reason they do a certain thing. The writing isn’t dry because she is autistic. That is not a facet of autism. That is a facet of reporting factually on a topic, which is what this writer was doing.

I was so relieved to read that response. We are not our stereotypes. Every person is deeply complicated. I spoke with a friend the other day who agreed with me by stating, “I’m a conservative Republican and I’m gay.”

It is possible to hold conflicting beliefs and live simultaneous, conflicting experiences all while aware of it. Politics and sexuality are not mutually inclusive or exclusive, just as autism and dry writing/behavior are not. Or autism and being male.

I don’t know that I have a point here except that it hurt to read that autism=robot. My life experience has been invalidated since I was five and a doctor told me I don’t get to be autistic because I'm female; that I’m just oversensitive and need to get over it. That my sensory experiences were not real.

Autism robot doesn't know what to think about this pretty flower.

It was painful. As were the years of conflict between friends and within my marriage before I looked back at autism and began to understand how I think. I can’t tell you what an immense relief it has been for my husband to be able to categorize my behaviors.

Is his categorizing my behaviors as autistic at odds with what I’m saying about assuming a writer’s work is dry due to autism? No. Not at all. Because my husband is understand my specific actions through a diagnosis, not all autistic persons' behaviors through a diagnosis. There is not stereotype at play. There is data and intimate experience. What exists for me does not exist for everyone on the spectrum, even for my son, and vice versa. We are all complicated creatures living unique lives.

While a diagnosis can help to understand some aspects of who we are, it does not define us. It is simply a single category like mother, sister, daughter, writer, athlete, artist and more. It takes all categories to define an individual.

What goes into your definition?

Find the article I referenced here.

Images from pixabay.com