And I Will Carry What is Mine
I often wake with heartache, like I endured some loss in dreams. I rise from my bed in a fog, day breaking before my eyes can see. I move into the light with precision, accomplishing morning tasks, albeit gracelessly.
The pain sits on my chest. It is heavy but soft, an infinite blanket of sadness. I feel it in my knees and back. I try to swallow it down with water, but water passes through it. Even sunshine cannot touch this darkness spun from the needs or beliefs of others I have, often inadvertently, undertaken. I try to tell myself, "These things do not belong to you," but my hands are fisted and refuse to open.
Today I woke from troubled sleep and moved into the day with clarity. There was no pain. I did not falter or panic as I moved through my morning routine: clothe kids, feed them, pack lunches, make coffee, make my own breakfast, finish dressing, preschool drop-off. After, I put down the windows of my van and felt the cool promise of Fall.
Fall is my beginning each year. Fall is where I climb, Winter where I descend the most, and Spring where life recovers. Fall is the season of my creativity, when my heart aches the most for the family I am separated from, when I set everything down that is not mine and travel inward to undertake the most daunting projects of grief and wholeness and personal re-creation.
This year, my list is formidable. I refuse to look at it too long because I will start to believe it is impossible. But today, I set aside any expectations that weren't mine. I lined up all my goals, measured each objectively. Felt their weight, their shape. Felt how they belonged to me. I asked myself what I could accomplish and smiled with anticipation. I feel ready. I feel free, alive, capable.
There will be hard days--there always are--but the trees are dancing outside my window and the morning made promises I know it will keep.
image from pixabay.com and edited with Canva
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It's amazing that nature's behavior can have such profound effects on our joy. Fall is my favorite time as well, crisp air, hot drinks, spectacular color, and a reminder that we must all rest to grow and strengthen and flourish. But it is also a simpler time where so much can discerned, and focus can be regained.
I love the imagery of awakening with a sense of foreboding and loss, as if you'd been deprived the restful rejuvenation that sleep offers, feeling instead that you have engaged in unknown battles instead...maybe even having lost them. You create powerful mind pictures that speak so deeply. I'm glad that in this instance clarity met you upon arousing... I feel that while your sleep may have been troubled, you emerged the victor.
Your comments... 💯 percent upvote! ❤️❤️❤️
Thats some quality content! Upvoted!
Aww. This makes me happy.
This is lovely, and somehow soothing to read.
Thank you.
When you said winter is where you descend, so you mean emotionally?
If that’s the case, I don’t think our emotions should be conditioned by the weather. We should try to stay positive when it’s sunny or cloudy.
I agree. I am having a much better winter ths time around, but that is thanks to medication preventing seasonal affective disorder. That and more windows on the correct side of the house. It’s a wonder what light can do.