Fear of flying

Among the infinite number of phobias I have already identified and continue to discover on an everyday basis, my fear of flying (aviophobia) tops the list. The ironic thing is I have to fly from Europe to the United States often, and one would actually think my phobia would gradually diminish given the frequency of flights. As a matter of fact, it just worsens. I remember the first long-haul flight I took – some 12 hrs – and I believe I was not too scared. More like, excited about what was going to happen next – and I put almost zero thought on the flight itself. Now, remembering that, I try very hard to slide into that state of carelessness, but I can’t focus on anything else rather than the flight. I can’t even watch a movie, or listen to music since I cannot focus.

The noises (why did it stop, why did it change, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SOUND), the smells (I almost die every time they start heating the food, since I think we’re ON FIRE), the turbulences (I know you’re a stranger, and I know I’ve not been the best travel companion, but can I PLEASE hold onto your arm until we hopefully survive this), take off (WE’RE GONNA GO DOWN!), landing (WE’RE GONNA CRASH AND DIE RIGHT NOW!), the silence across the aircraft when everyone dozes off to sleep (this is how I DIE, together with some 300 strangers who have no idea we’re going to DIE).

I have considered taking sleeping pills, but then I am afraid I would miss my connections. The last two times I had to take long-haul flights, I pulled off an all-nighter the night before, so I kind of knocked myself out on the plane – needless to say I nevertheless wake up on every kind of change I am able to distinguish – be it a smell, a noise, and even extended silence. I am the person who watches the flight attendants on every occasion and inspects their faces for the slightest, smallest sign of panic.

Bottom-line, I fly next Monday again. And I hate it.