Systemic psychology - Metaphor of the Gardener

I love metaphors in many circumstances and we sometimes use them in systemic brief therapy. A metaphor can help to see things from another point of view, to see the situation differently and it can help soothe the suffering.

The metaphor of the gardener can be used when someone is trying to control someone else. It can be a mother with her daughter, a husband with his wife, a boss with his employee. Controlling in the sense that he or she does not let the other person breath, watch everything he does, complain and finally he or she is suffering about the situation.

Usually people have got very good reasons to act has they do, they act with kindness or because they have fears and worries. Sometimes helping doesn't help and can have the opposite effect, we are then in a vicious circle that must be stopped to soothe suffering.

Let take a concrete example of a mother exhausted by here silent teenager, he talks only a little at lunchtime and she think he has some troubles to express himself. So each day, even many times a day, she ask him how he feels and why he is so shy. More she ask, less he answer and then more she worries.

The tricky part is to help the mother let go and do something different. The systemic way to think, would be to stop her asking, and enter in something such as: I am here if you want to talk but you don't have to. A metaphor can also help to not make one feel guilty and that’s an important point.

My version of the metaphor

So here is my version of the Metaphor of the Gardner as I would tell in brief therapy session. I said it many time and my words are each time adapted to the person in front of me.

Once upon a time, he was a gardener, passionate about all plants, nature lovers and full of kindness with his plants.

He was taking care every day of the year and sharing his passion with anyone who was listening to him.

One day, he received a very rare flower from a friend. The flower was so beautiful with amazing colours. The Gardner searched the web for the best way to take care of this so special plant, found the best earth and water to feed it.

Everyday he was watching at it for hours and hours, watering drop after drop, cleaning the leaves, talking to the flower. All that with love and passion.

A week later, the flower started to have a yellow leaf, then a second. The Gardner started to worry and so took more time for the plant, watching here and thinking about what going wrong.

The Gardner tried everything he could, but without results. It was even worse, the flower was leaves was falling one after the other.

Desperate, the Gardner went to see an old and wise man in the mountains next to his location, to ask for help. The wise man, seeing how important the flower is, decided to follow the Gardner until his house to see the plant by himself.

After a moment of observation, and knowing all the Gardner did for the flower, the wise man said:

While you were beautifully taking care of the flower, you were at the same time hiding the sun she needs to grow up.