Principles within inter-personal relationships are not for the faint-hearted. I once was with a girl that had never met anyone with the slightest indication of principles. So meeting me felt nice, and she described this as that she was “in love”. This is not the case. You can’t make judgments about who you should start a relationship with when there's abuse all around you. It might feel like you should be with a specific person, but how do you know your feeling is correct? What if you're getting this feeling only because this is the nicest person you've interacted with and that everyone else has been a complete dick? Abused people have the tendency to get into a relationship with the first person they meet that is not abusing the shit out of them or humiliating them all day. Due to the lack of verbal slurs, beatings and humiliations, the person will feel a sort of affection towards you simply because of the absence of a negative. It might feel good to be with you, yes, but it is for the completely wrong reason. The foundation of a relationship can't be the lack of abuse; it must be the presence of values. That's a given for anyone with a stable amount of self-respect and confidence. Yet, it's often the only demand abused people have for the other party. This is a disaster.
Codependent people tend to enter into relationships when they are very young and tend to stay in them for many years in which both parties are equally broken and, by now, equally dependent on each other. Breaking up seems like the most terrible thing, so they rule that out completely (unconscious or not,) and so they take all the quarrels, manipulations, humiliations and hurts as acceptable, often with the justification that "well, all couples fight!".
Codependent couples feel like their partner is their "entire world". If met with a proposal that they should break up, it may feel like you've been stabbed with a knife and is almost always followed by intense crying and/or begging which only adds to the state of degradation.
The second last stage is the setting up of "ultimatums" which is the delusion that the threat of a breakup if the other party doesn't change will fix something. Of course, it takes two to tango, and the person setting up said ultimatum is just as, if not more, guilty in the continuation of the pulse proximity*. An ultimatum is merely an extension of the codependency, i.e. more codependency. Yay!
The last stage of codependency is the cutting of all ties. Here's the funny part: At first it feels devastating. As if you've lost a limb. But wait a few months. Does it feel like you've lost anything? No! Why? Because you didn't have anything in the first place! This is because codependency-based "relationships" aren't actually relationships. it's a narcotic.
Result: Several years of your life gone! To what end? None! It sucks and accounts to exactly nothing! Don't do it, guys.
*Pulse proximity is what I call relationships without substance; two hearts are beating close to each other, but there's nothing there.
Important things about codependency-based relationships:
- It takes huge amounts of self-respect and confidence to admit to yourself why you are with a person. If you don't respect yourself at all, you will most likely not be honest with yourself about the intentions and reasons for why you're intimate with this specific person. Lying to others feels terrible, but lying to yourself really only kills your soul the more you do it. Also, you will start justifying being with him or her, making up false reasons, like "she's such a good person!", "we're a great team!", "she's a virtuous and independent woman!", "he's the best thing that ever happened to me and I can't live without him!", etc, all of them being utterly untrue statements, only said because of the drug of codependency. Most people let such lies live on as if they were true, which is a guaranteed set-up of future failure.
- Codependent people are usually together for years and years, because the longer you stay codependent, the longer it will take to both get out of them and recover.
- Spending time with a codependent individual (though that's not really an individual, right?) may feel as if they're feeding off of your life force and energy. There is no trace of self-esteem. Sometimes it seems like they are awaiting your instructions and commands. Having deep discussion is impossible, because they have no depth nor a grain of capacity for intimacy.
- They are there "at your service", because they lack the self-esteem to be assertive and cooperatively self-serving. They don't say what they mean and definitely don't mean what they say. The state of their psychology is solely for you to to unravel, and doing that in their company can be a bit tricky.
- For instance, Swedes are extremely codependent as a people. You rarely see a Swede (I've never seen one) that is content in solitude. Swedes are very "outgoing", yes, but only in order to make a "good" impression so that they can gather "friends" to prevent the lack of eventual social stimuli, a state in which most Swedes usually just kill themselves. The inability to feel content in your own company, along with rejection of self knowledge and the lack of even the attempt to become aware as a human being is what drive. The phrase "Swedish family" is even a Russian term referring to act of polyamory, in Russian "Шведская семья". (Link to translated Ru Wikipedia article). Its origin is yet unknown, but was commonly used in the Soviet Union to describe open-minded people of non-traditional nature. Also, Swedes are the least creative people in a social context. Since creativity and inspiration can only come from the inside, making small talk with a Swede feels like you're having an interaction with approximately 8 000 000 Swedes simultaneously, because that's what it will be like trying to interact with each and every one of them.
- I can't for the life of me imagine that the sex can be even remotely pleasurable within a codependent relationship. If you're with a person for the sole reason that you don't have a personality and lack a sense of self and feed on the person for your own needs, then having sex with them is like fucking your drug dealer, right? How do you do that? That's not cool. I've heard accounts where people have gone as much as 9 months without sleeping together, so there doesn't seem to be much sexual arousal in codependent relationships. Fortunately, and I thank God for this every day (even though I'm an atheist,) I never engaged in sexual intercourse with anyone like that *happy face*
The art of analyzing every relationship in which you engage is a way of life and, if done correctly, will save years of your life if acted upon accordingly with the help of the knowledge gained. The only way of being is to be your own person without the need for another.