This is the first time that I talk publicly about my anxiety and I want to thank everyone in advance for taking the time to read this post. But I write this post just as much for myself as I write it for you, since I hope to one day be able to look back to this writing and know that I have overcome my fears.

I am about to make a huge change in my life. Next week I am moving from Finland to Long Beach, California for a one year exchange. I promised in a post I made some time ago that I would tell you about the things that have made me anxious concerning the move, and how I have dealt with that anxiety. And this is the post! I hope that you will enjoy reading it and that someone might even benefit from reading it.

Choosing the University

I had the possibility to choose from a bunch of different countries and cities when deciding what university to apply to for my exchange. I ended up applying to two different Universities, one situated in Barcelona and the other one in Long Beach.

Barcelona is my favorite city in Europe, I have been there five times before and even lived there for a short period of time once. There are many reasons why this was a very comfortable choice: I am familiar with the city, I have friends there, I would have been studying psychology which is my main subject and it would have been really easy for my boyfriend to come visit or even live there with me.

Long Beach is a city where I have never been before (I have only once been to the US, when I was attending a summer camp in Cincinnati at age 11). I know no one in California, I applied to a theatre arts program which is a subject that I have not studied before and I had no idea if my boyfriend would be able to visit me during the whole year.

It has, however, always been a dream of mine to study acting so I decided to put Long Beach as my number one priority. I had also heard that it was one of the most popular exchange destinations at my University so I had no expectations of receiving the only available spot for a one year exchange. In my mind I was already traveling to Barcelona.

Congratulations you have been chosen for a one year exchange at California State University, Long Beach

When I received the email that stated that I had been chosen for an exchange at CSU Long Beach I panicked. I was not prepared for this and I got overwhelmed with feelings of fear and anxiety - but also excitement. I was crying the whole day trying to figure out what I was supposed to do while my boyfriend tried to comfort me, telling me that it would be fine, that we could manage being separated for such a long time and that he would try his very best to be able to come and visit me.

My fears

Being separated from my boyfriend for a year felt extremely scary. In the three years that we have been together we have grown really close and never been apart for longer than a week. But not having him around was not the only thing that was making me anxious.

My first panic attack

I had earlier in the winter experienced my first panic attack after a party that I stupidly attended even though it was the end of a stressful exam period and I had barely slept the night before. The panic attack started when I was alone, which lead to me developing a fear for situations where I had to be by myself. Moving to the other side of the world where I did not have my boyfriend or any close friends or family felt like a terrible idea.

Performance anxiety

I also have some degree of performance anxiety. I strongly dislike holding presentations in front of an audience - my heart starts racing, my hands start to shake, I get sweaty, dizzy and I get blackouts and forget what I am supposed to say. Now you are probably thinking “why on earth does she want to study acting if she cannot stand performing in front of an audience?”

Well, I have not always had performance anxiety - and it does not always affect me. Sometimes I manage to do a performance without getting too nervous, and the thrill that I get from acting is unbelievable. I feel a strong calling for acting but at the same time I fear standing on a stage.

What if I suck at acting?

Another thought that frightened me about studying acting in Long Beach was this question – What if I suck at acting? What if I come to the University to pursue my dreams just to find out that I cannot do it, that acting is just not for me? I have done some acting before, but never in the main roles and I have also not acted in a few years. In some ways it felt better to not know, then at least I could continue dreaming of the life that I could have had as an actress.

Changing the destination and how it made me realize what I really wanted

So the next day after receiving the message that I was chosen for an exchange at Long Beach, I decided to ask if it was possible for me to change my destination to Barcelona. It was! And at first I felt so relieved, I would no longer have to worry about not seeing my boyfriend, about being alone in a totally new distant place or about performing.

But I soon started to realize that this decision did not ease my anxiety at all – it actually made it worse. I had decided not to pursue my dream of studying acting because of fear, and that – the thought of not doing something I always dreamed of doing because of fear – was even more frightening than all of my other fears combined. I knew that I had to go to Long Beach or otherwise I would always be wondering how my life could have turned out if I had followed my dreams. So I sent an email to the exchange coordinator pleading her to let me regret my decision and change back to Long Beach, and luckily it was still possible.

Dealing with my anxiety

So now it was certain, I was going to Long beach! I got the official decision from the University at the end of March and I bought the flight tickets not long after.

Having made a decision felt great, but I was still dealing with some anxiety concerning the move. I even had the start of a panic attack after buying the flight tickets which made my anxiety even worse since I was thinking “if I get a panic attack from buying the tickets, how am I ever going to manage to actually get on the plane?”.

I have only had two panic attacks after my first one in December, and both times I have managed to stop them quickly. The first one I managed to break out of by looking at cute animals on Reddit, and the second one by breathing calmly and doing yoga poses (especially the downward facing dog pose seemed to help me a lot).

I decided to start learning more about anxiety and panic attacks, and I thought myself to identify my symptoms and the things that make my anxiety worse (like caffeine and dehydration). I have noticed that it helps if I keep myself busy, because otherwise my mind easily starts to overthink things. But I have also started practicing mindfulness and meditation, to be able to relax properly without any rumination.

The thing that has helped me the most, however, has been spending time with my boyfriend and my friends, and also talking about my anxiety.

Where I am now

Now, with only 10 days until I am moving to Long Beach, I have less anxiety than I have had in a year. More than 4 months have passed since my last panic attack, and my fears have turned into nervous excitement. I know that I will still experience fear and maybe some anxiety. I know that I will miss my boyfriend extremely much, and that performing in front of other people in a language that is not my strongest might feel horrible at times.

But none of those things feel as horrible as the thought of not having followed my dreams because of fear – and I know that I have made the right choice. If I was to let in to the fear, thinking “maybe next time, when I am not as frightened anymore” then I am sure I would only keep feeding my fears until there would no longer be a next time.

This is a chance for me to face my fears - and overcome them. And I will take that chance. And my anxiety will help me, because it has prepared me for all the worst case scenarios, so that I no longer have to worry about them. So now I will thank my overly concerned brain for trying to look after me - and continue to live life to the fullest.

And I look forward to the excitement, to the joy and the adventures.

But I also look forward to the fear, because experiencing it means that I am facing it, and facing it will help me overcome it.

On the other side of your maximum fear,
are all of the best things in life.
– Will Smith

I want to thank you all, again, for reading this post!

I did not go into detail on my anxiety symptoms and how I have managed to deal with them in this post since it would have become way to long to read. If anyone would like to talk more with me about anxiety and how to deal with it feel free to leave a comment beneath or contact me in steemit chat.

Please do comment, upvote and resteem if you enjoyed it.

mialinnea