The truth about depression that society will not tell you: How I got free using MDMA.

I know from my own experience with suicidality, depression, self-harm and anxiety what lies underneath this so called 'illness'.

I understand, however, that when I tell you what lies beneath, it will be a very difficult thing to hear. Some of you will probably want to attack me for this. Others will be curious, and a few — the ones I've written this post for — will hear me.

The medical community is mostly in denial on this topic. There seems to be an assumption that the biochemical state of the brain is the cause of depression. In other words: That the brain is like a malfunctioning car engine and can be 'repaired' by adding a suitable chemical here or there. Hence, we get the horror of 'anti-depressants', which are actually designed to push-down (depress) emerging memories and feelings.

So that overwhelming trauma does not destroy the organism, the post-traumatic brain down-regulates certain neurotransmitters to wall-off sections of the mind. This is similar to the way in which sections in a ship may be sealed off if a certain part of the ship floods. This chemical mediation is felt as depression. You can learn more about this in the book, MDMA Solo, available for free, here: http://www.castaliafoundation.com/

A lot of doctors think the depression is an illness. This is madness. Depression is a symptom of depressed trauma.

Depression is, literally, defined in the dictionary as pushing something down. And what are many of us pushing down?

Memories of childhood.

Here is a video of me giving a talk in Prague about how I found my way back home using MDMA to access these deeper states:

Childhood contains the formative experiences that can predetermine an entire lifetime. It is, in our society, utterly taboo to remember your childhood. We even accept that most of us have childhood amnesia. Many of us tell ourselves stories of a childhood we never had (I know I did). But this is a total fraud.

And the fraud underpins so many of our global problems.

The reason we do not remember childhood clearly is exactly the the reason that depression is destroying us as a civilisation. It is the reason why a child can scream in the street and the assumption is that the child is causing trouble, not that the adult is hurting them.

The sad truth is, many of us were hurt as children. Most of us have forgotten.

Often, in society, we do not hear children's emotions; and we do not hear our own.

To depress. To push down.

To repress.

In short, many of us are 'depressed' so the rest of society can pretend it is 'healthy'.

Freud identified this over a hundred years ago. His remarkable paper, The Aetiology of Hysteria describes the situation in astonishing detail and clarity.

When Freud presented this paper in 1896, Viennese society told him to keep quiet on the topic of childhood abuse, or they would destroy his career.

Freud retreated.

Today the paper is extraordinary to read because it demonstrates 3 things:

1. Freud's astonishing genius in identifying the fundamental cause of most mental illness. His paper is in line with the most cutting-edge trauma theories of today.

2. Society's complete inability to face and accept what they were doing. They attacked Freud instead of seeking his help.

3. Freud's decision to back down — to depress himself — in the face of this societal pressure.

In short, the same dynamic that shut Freud down, is the dynamic that perpetuated abuse in the family systems he was decrying.

Freud gave us a vivid, external demonstration of the internal structure of the depressive landscape in our heads. Freud faced the same rebuke that the abused child does: The child aspect attempts to speak out, the 'adult' aspect pushes this information away.

In the heads of all the people in Vienna, a jailer kept each person's inner-child locked up (depressed). Freud tried to open the door, and all the internal-jailers in 'Vienna' simultaneously shouted: No way!

This post is a message for those of you who want a way out and are not afraid of cause and effect. It's not a message for people whose inner children are still jailed up and want to 'Freud' me. I know you well, Vienna!

As Issac Newton observed: For every action; there is an equal and opposite reaction.
So: What was the cause of your affect?

It must have been substantial if your depression is substantial. Find out what the cause is, feel it fully, mourn it, and you are free.

If you feel scared, alone, suicidal, confused. Know that I have been there too. I've stood with pills in my hands staring into the darkness. I just never really knew why I did it until I met myself. The part of myself I pushed away.

Or, more accurately, until I met the scared, abandoned child in the heart of me.

I lost him for years under 'careers', 'success' and all the other societal bullshit that conceals the fundamental split in nature that runs from the oil fields to our bedrooms.

Used with the right intention, in a safe setting, pure MDMA allowed me to remember the thing I'd been running from my whole life: Myself.

Depression? Totally gone. Sucidality? Totally gone. Anxiety? I have the opposite now. I often step in to defend kids on the street. I speak my mind when I see someone being hurt. There is no hesitation. I am alive again.

I make art. I compose music: https://soundcloud.com/phoenixkaspian

Thank you to my friends, Timothy Leary; Rosemary Woodruff; Alice Miller; Freud; Stanislav Grof and too many others to mention.

Good luck.

This is me as a kid:

Note: I cross-posted this on Reddit because they were part of a community that helped me through this. But I wrote it for you on Steemit, because you represent the future. That was my last full Reddit post, although I will refer a few good people here as I transition. Welcome to the future. I'm glad to be with you.

Edit: My cross-post on Reddit has now been censored (deleted by mods). I guess that's the final goodbye :) Glad to be on Steemit now.