Understanding narcissism – …Part 2

We ALL have elements of a narcissistic personality, (some more than others), but, nevertheless, it’s a fundamental part of who we all are.

Narcissistic tendencies are a healthy psychological part of our makeup.

Like anything, it’s when the balance is out of whack – that’s when the problems start.

What ‘healthy narcissism’ is...
It’s loving yourself and knowing that you are awesome – but not requiring other people around you to be less awesome, in order to feel validated.
It’s being able to be genuinely happy for another person’s success and using those feelings to push you to success, rather than feel insecure, resentful, jealous - and to feel threatened by it - i.e no victim mentality.

Toxic, malignant, harmful... various terms to cover different aspects of narcissism.

This is my take - for the purposes of these posts..

Broadly speaking, there are OVERT narcissists, and COVERT narcissists.

I'll be mainly concerning these posts in respect to covert narcissism.

Why?

Because this narcissist is the very tricky one.

OVERT narcissists are relatively easy to identify.

They're ‘confident’ (not at all true, but appearing to be so on the superficial, creating an image, level).
I'll come back to 'image' in a second. It's very important to understand .

The overt narcissist will find ‘narcissistic stimulation’ by showing off to the world just how grandiose - how successful - they are.
....Cars, houses, designer labels, luxury travel, lifestyle... they will love to tell the world just how brilliant they are - through these types of expressions.
(Often adopting a position of humility while doing so - to create an image).
It's the classic ....‘I can afford this, so therefor I must be superior to you, but I don't want to mention it...oh I just have'... that kind of thing.
Easy to spot if you're looking.
Overt narcissism is relatively easy to spot from the outside, and just a little digging will expose these types quite easily.
(they also have very similar 'defensive triggers' to the covert narcissist ....MUCH more about that, later)

COVERT OR OVERT - The aim is the same, it's only the tactics and strategies that are different.

The one common denominator that they both have is this...

IMAGE.

I cannot say this enough.
IMAGE.
IMAGE.
IMAGE.
It runs through everything in the world of the narcissist.
Image is all.
I repeat Image is all.
It is their god, and their devil.

It's what makes 'them' ever so convincing... and , paradoxically - it's what makes 'them' utterly vulnerable all at the same time - if you understand how it all works (that's why I'm here!).
MUCH more on the defensive triggers, later.
Patience! lol .. that's the really juicy stuff.

Okay, continuing...
While the overt narcissist may openly flaunt. ( extrovert behavior, and image conscious), the covert narcissist (the shy' narcissist) will also flaunt, but in other ways.
Academic accolade for example.

Research has shown a correlation between intelligence and types of strategies adopted....
THE HIGHER THE INTELLIGENCE, THE MORE LIKELY THE 'COVERT' STRATEGY.

Same ambitions, different strategies.

They both involve projecting an image.

...the covert and overt narcissist have the same aims.

To have control over other people they see within their ‘sphere of influence’.

Have you checked your own narcissism lately?

No?
Well....A very good indicator that you are NOT inhabiting these extreme narcissistic behavioral types, is the very fact that you ask yourself this question ‘am I a narcissist?’.
This is the kind of self-reflecting question that those with acute narcissistic tendencies issues will try to avoid.

Why?

....Because it's this kind of questioning of oneself that opens the can of very painful worms - a can that they’ve spent their lives trying to keep the lid on.

This is the reason that the narcissistic (ego driven) personality has been constructed.

To create a barrier to unaddressed pain. (the 'id' part of the psyche and 'avoidance').

The source of the pain - overwhelmingly - is found to be in 'abandonment issues' of some kind, in childhood.
(Emotional neglect, physical abandonment, restrictions to available resources).

Which bring me back to image once more...

It comes up time and time again, when dealing with the covert - or overt - narcissist.
Image.

Image is everything .

Image is the barrier between their reality, and the outside world as it really is.

Image is their protective armor that they wear, to avoid pain. (abandonment).

Image is also the weapon that they wield - in an effort to control others.

An interesting point...
Some recent studies have shown there is a correlation between (both overt and covert narcissists) and the presenting to others, an image - of a ‘good childhood’.
They project the image of the perfect childhood growing up – when in reality, it was very far from that.

Image... image... image….always..

Traits and characteristics to help spot the covert narcissists…

Social justice and philanthropy.
'They' are the ultimate virtue signalers (IMAGE).
You know ...
They are the ‘looked up to professor’, and socially respected by all - who then goes home and abuses his wife, once they feel they can drop the mask.
'They' are the charity aid workers that destroys their own children’s self-esteem behind closed doors.
'They' are the animal’s rights activist - that never take their own dog out, for a walk (and if they ever do - you can guarantee that they control it by keeping it on a lead).
'They' are the 'help the homeless organizers', who then call the police on someone that's sleeping rough - in their own neighborhood.

The covert/overt narcissist never grows up.

Never deals with these childhood abandonment trauma's.
They stay in a place too scared, to be ever able address it.

How the covert narcissist operates...

The covert narcissist is an expert in gas lighting and making those they wish to control, the ones with ‘the problem’.
They love careers in counseling, psychotherapy, and education.

FACTOID:
The overt/covert narcist reading this will have either found a reason to stop reading by now (whatever they may be, it’s unimportant) OR, they will be uncomfortable - even enraged.
(deep rage is a constant in either type of narcissist, but expressed in very different ways.

The overt narcissist may, for example, threaten.
Not because what I said was wrong, but because the unaddressed pain they feel is being exposed – and open aggression is one of the ‘go to’ places of the overt narcissist.

The covert narcissist will see it very differently.
The fear of the examination of the pain will be the same, but the response will be different.Passive aggression, slyness, politicking for consensus among there peer group.(and therefor undermining the legitimacy of the source of the potential pain).
They will plot to undermine.
Subterfuge is the covert narcissists preferred option.

The covert narcissist, is the ‘shy’ narcissist.

The same ego driven, controlling megalomania, as the overt type, but afraid to show that to the world.
(I'll get to 'the why's' in the 'defensive triggers' part).

The 'covert type' a far more complex animal to unravel- and to show them for who/what, they are.

Both types are , essentially - scared little children who've, never grown up.

They deserve no pity for their own cowardice.

THAT is what they want you to feel.
THAT gives them control over your emotions.

How can this fear, (avoidance of dealing with issues), express itself growing up?

Do you have a fear of addressing abandonment issues?
Join the army instead!

Do you have a fear of addressing abandonment issues?
Become 'a bouncer' at a nightclub - and then put yourself in a position to take out your pent up rage (fear) out on others.

Do you have a fear of addressing abandonment issues?
Become a policeman, and you can make sure that everyone listens to you this time. You have the power, and no longer feelings of powerlessness.

Are you starting to see the threads?

See how all this works?
I do hope so – for your own sanity.( if you are involved with these personalty types).

Ok, I'm getting naked....

My own negative narcissistic issues.

When I was younger , growing up - I insisted on keeping my dog on a lead.

Today (as anyone reading my stories of Sophia will know), I let my doggy go where she wants, when she wants.
I no longer have the desire to control .
See what I mean?
I’ve grown up.
My abandonment issues are addressed.
For real, not pretend.
This then goes on to be expressed in the real world.
Life gets better from growing.
Learning.

More about me... !
(in a totally non narcissistic way).

My 'narcissistic qualities' can - quite easily - get ‘out of whack’.....from healthy to unhealthy.

I know this.
I check myself.
I’m self-aware.
I know myself.

I KNOW where I am on the 'malignant narcissist slide rule’.
I can laugh at myself.
(laughing at yourself is a trait that both narcissistic types find very difficult to do....Again - more about all the 'juicy stuff' in the 'triggers' part).

As I've told you in my previous post, I had a very distant mother, emotionally, and pretty much zero emotional support from her.

(....as I see it now - and how I felt it then).

I had (have), abandonment issues.

I remember as a child, (around 5 years old), that my mum was late picking me up from school.
(in reality, no biggie – it was me sitting alone for what seemed forever – but only 20 minutes or so).

That feeling of abandonment 'sat in my skull' all my life, unseen - but very much, there.

Until I recognized it.

From the logical ‘looking at myself objectively’, standpoint.

It affected me in all kinds of ways - I can see that now, in retrospect.

As soon as I recognized this within myself – EVERYTHING changed.

This process doesn’t happen - cannot happen - with the extreme types of narcissist.
They are locked into 'a cell of fear' that they don't even know exists.

They DO NOT truly self-examine.
(many pretend to – it’s all about the image – and that includes presenting the image of self-exploration).
Many covert narcissists take jobs in teaching, counselling, and the like - jobs that entail being 'looked up to'.

Adoration is the ‘psychic food’ of the narcissist.

This is why any dissenting voices - or challenging a narcissist - is met with defensive/aggressive, posturing.

If you ever threaten to cut off the ‘adoration food supply’, through debate or criticism, they regress into the 'abandonment mode'. (food is being taken away from me’).

The covert narcissist that needs to be put under the microscope.

The overt narcissist is (in my opinion) far more dangerous to society, and far more destructive to the people close to them, than the overt types.