Fighting back against the narcissist..Part 8

Move on.

That’s it…

If only it were that simple. (it can be, but it rarely is).

To move on you need to go through the necessary processes, including anger (at yourself many times, for feeling duped).
And acceptance - Now seeing the world AS IT IS, not as you want it to be - or as the narcissist convinced you it was.

To be able to move on means being in an objective place.

(as opposed to running away in blind panic, which is ok to).

To be really objective when you're in an intimate relationship is very, very difficult.
One of the ways to ‘detach yourself’ from yourself (as much as is possible), is to be able to identify the dynamic that you're caught up it.

This is an example of the kind of dynamic, and how it expresses, (and the reasons behind it.....)

I'll use the 'intimate partner relationship' here, but it applies to all narcissist abusive relationships, but to a lesser degree. The signals may be far less obvious - but still present- in a work environment relationship, for example.

When the narcissist first attaches themselves to 'a target' (it is parasitic in it's nature) a common feature tha happens, is ‘love bombing’.
‘Love bombing’ is when the target is, quite literally, bombing the target with what is seen as affection – love.
The ‘whirlwind romance’ , or the eloping off to Gretna Green to get married can be an indicators of the narcissist personality love bombing.

Using my brother as an example – He did exactly those things – Twice!
And both times getting the girl pregnant very soon into the relationship.
it's very difficult for a person caught up in this 'emotional avalanche' to ever see it, due to the dopamine
‘Dopamine hits’ blind you to harsh reality, and the narcissist knows this and can use it to further their own agenda.
(dopamine is a powerful chemical that attaches itself onto your 'pleasure seeking' receptors) .

The love bombing soon dissipates though, as the narcissist feels the target has been ‘caught’, 'won over' 'conquered' and so the emotional and physical emotional avalanche reduces (eventually stopping all together in some circumstances).
When the narcissist feels the is ‘narcissistic supply’ is secure, less effort is given to 'it'.

There’s some common patterns of the narcissists behavior. Once understood, and by using critical thinking, the 'self detached' observer - of yourself - becomes much easier.

Understanding the cycle common of the narcissist in an intimate relationship.

The narcissist is in - almost - a continual low state of cognitive dissonance. (two conflicting ‘realities’ occurring simultaneously within the mind).

Cognitive dissonance.
A sense of entitlement - they KNOW what they are worth, and then thy compare what they have.
Cognitive dissonance.
A sense of grandiosity, how fantastic they KNOW they are, and then comparing it with their real world accomplishments.

These conflicts - when transposed onto intimate relationships, goes like this..(after the ‘love bombing’ phase has ran it’s course)..

The narcissists partner is always seen (by the narcissist ) as their source or narcissistic supply.
They are a ‘thing’ to them, an extension of themselves.
Property.

In the mind of the narcissist – one that’s receiving narcissistic supply from their property cannot comprehend how this ‘thing’ -an object - could malfunction..i.e By arguing, by having agency, by expressing wants not in alignment with the narcissist (which means the cutting off of narcissistic supply).

Any needs and grievances of the partner are perceived by the narcissist as threats.

Bear in mind that, to the narcissist - their very presence within in the relationship is nourishing it, and is enough.
Just by being there, nothing else is required.
How dare their property dissent!
It cannot compute in the the mind of the narcissist.

They feel entitled to this narcissistic supply that a partner gives them, without ever feeling the need of having to invest more of themselves into it.
The needs and wishes of the partner (and to them, merely the source of narcissistic supply) are ignored, or satisfied with the minimum energy needed.
Again, all with the intent to maintain their narcissistic supply, nothing more.

As the intimate relationship progresses, the narcissist starts to increasingly objectify the partner (pathologize).

They start to devalue them.

The narcissist then projects his own mental illness, in very subtle ways, onto their partner.
Their intimate partner is then ‘forced’ into playing a new role - an emergent role.

They play the role of the weak person in need of protection.
A naive person in need of education and enlightenment.
Or even a bad person, who’s very road to redemption can be found at the narcissist feet...
‘mental illness’ is a much more accurate term in my opinion, than ‘disorder’.
Disorder implies a possibility of change, from a state of disorder - to one of ‘order’.
This ‘framing’ of the extreme narcissistic personality type can be very dangerous, imo).

What happens as the relationship continues, is that what the narcissist denies about himself - which is subconsciously what he loathes about his own personality (character traits, and behaviors), are the very things the narcissist attributes to their partner (projects).

For example...
The cognitively disassociated narcissist , believes that that he must have only the best and most glamorous, stunning, beautiful spouse in the entire universe.
Nothing short of this self delusional fantasy will ever be acceptable, or satisfactory.
So, in that vein – and to compensate for the shortcomings of their real life spouse - they invent an idealized figure instead.
They relate to this idealized figure instead of the real life person.
But - sooner or later - reality conflicts with their delusions.

With this figment of their imagination now under threat,

...the narcissist will start a process of devaluation to the ‘thing’ – their spouse. ( it's a defensive reaction , rooted deep in abandonment issues from childhood, mostly).

Their behaviors now ‘turn on a dime’ and they will, increasingly, become more threatening, demeaning and contemptuous. (belittling them in front of others, criticizing everything their partner does, passive aggressively putting them down to others outside of their social circle).
They can easily become sadistic and cruel..

By becoming cold, unloving, and (even more) emotionally detached, the narcissist punishes his actual real life spouse for NOT LIVING UP TO HIS OWN, SELF CREATED, FANTASY!.
(The real dangers of delusions).

The narcissist then takes on the role of a wrathful and demeaning godlike figure.(grandiosity).

With such a twisted, mentally ill, person, the best you can do for yourself - is to move on - to preserve your own mental health.
Leaving the narcissist, is to cut your narcissistic supply off to them.
They will fight to prevent that from happening.
They are frightened.

'Moving on' is an internal process, a journey - not a single event.

Once you have won the battle with yourself (seen through delusions to then see reality) and you now see your partner is mentally ill (and is dragging you down), some very self righteous anger - directed against your 'used to be' tormentor, may emerge.

if you feel a need to go down this avenue, have a clear objective in your mind - of what you wish to achieve - and a strategy to get there.
This doesn't make you an evil narcissist! It makes you a hurt individual, trying find some kind of redress, justice.

Some people wish to deal with it simply by moving on – by making the narcissistic effectively ‘dead to them'.

Others wish to fight them, to vent their hurt against their torturer.

There is no ‘right or wrong’ path to take- it’s entirely dependent on the personality of the ‘ex-victim’.
(there ain't no 'victim mentality' present in this brave person!)

There is however - if fighting is an option on the table - a ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ strategy to adopt.

Hurting the narcissist.

First off- like I said at the beginning of the post...

Moving on entirely, is, without a doubt, the best strategy to hurt a narcissist.

Remember - They only ever wanted narcissistic supply from you, and by the act of moving on, you've just cut off their supply.
YOU have cut off their vampire source of nourishment.
THAT WILL HURT.

BUT.... you might feel a need to hurt the narcissist for your own sense of sanity - before moving on - which is completely understandable and legitimate.
(I'll touch on these strategies - but I wouldn't recommend them)
The biggest victory you can ever have , is to have no contact with them, and to become happy again...

“We bond with 'them', but 'they' don’t bond with us”

Part 9
Narcissists and envy - A trait of extreme narcissists - and how it expresses itself in the real world.