WHAT MAKES YOU DOUBT BUT STAYS WITH YOU IN YOUR DARKEST TIME?
IMAGE SOURCE; Terminal dehydration: A gentle way to die
Sometimes I use to feel nobody will know what it means to be "me" people often tell you "I know what it feels like" but the truth is they don't know. The human mind likes to wander, it likes to reach out of it's comfort zone and go to places it can even comprehended, sometimes these places are locked doors that doors that you want to see what's definitely inside but the fear of loosing your sanity permanently, makes the you want to rethink your steps and that's definitely the human instincts, the humanity wanting to still remain intact. I remembered being fifteen years years, very sickly and I had Whooping cough, my parents had definitely spent a lot of money trying to get me well, but I wasn't just sick from cough, at midnight I hardly feel my body it's always like the wall of the house is collapsed and there are tiny drizzles of rain falling on my body. It definitely was real but I wondered why my parents weren't waking up anytime I made screaming noises, they just keep sleeping soundly.
I didn't want to bother them about how I felt, I started noticing things like razor spikes in my ribs area and it was becoming difficult to breathe, but even after series of test the doctors said it was only cough I had and no extra terrestrial thing in my body system. I found it difficult to tell people how I felt but they only saw me as poignant child who only wants attention and also over exaggerating.
People do not need to talk to covey the content of their mind, it's all written all over and you can only get them to say it when they're angry. One morning I started to tell my father's brother how I felt and amidst tears and pain I found myself lashing at him, it was obviously the pain talking. He didn't let me finish before be bawled "Just shut up you only have cough and fake visions of spirits coming at you at night, can you just die already your mother is tired of your constant whinning I....." he took a deep breath and observed my face and immediately saw the damaged he's wrecked, it was over he already killed my spirit. He has been keeping this anger strapped in his mind and he only needed an inkling to make him spill the content of his heart. But was my mother really tired of me? Did they want me to die? I had already concluded since my uncle shared this notion it was obvious, my parents shared it too.
It was the darkest period of my life it was like being stucked, I was afraid of the truth but I didn't want believe in lies Either, I started to despise God for my misfortunes I was just a kid, need I suffer? Need I share this burden alone? Why can't someone experience what I feel? So they'd stop calling me weak and actually laud the fact that I've been strong? That I've been resilient and that I've actually taken far too much for a 15 year old?
Believe me being in the darkness doesn't make you appreciate the light, it makes you wish it can get darker and darker till it can't become dark again so you don't get to feel the darkness.
Being in the dark makes you naked, it strips away your humanity and you experience a type of secondary death before the primary one that makes you unconscious permanently. The secondary death is the one that makes you feel shame and disgrace at this stage people do not give meaning to your existences it's like you're a walk corpse and many people who have given up on life feels this, people who are waiting for the day they die as a result of terminal sicknesses already died the secondary death and so had i.
But even at this I strapped on to life the feeling of not knowing death made me want to hold on to the devil that I know (life) and at the darkest moment I reached out to God again, this time it was my darkest hour and I had no choice it was him or I was dying for real this time.
Written by @Josediccus
6/10/2018
Visit my blog for more amazing poems contents and stories.
JOSEPH C.IKECHUKWU
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