My experience of depression treatment - first steps after long way of fails. War with my inner dementor.
I took me a long time to make the decision, but I'm really happy the I finally did it.
I suffered from depression and insomnia for a couple of years. From insomnia - since I was a child. But I never took it seriously. I took it seriously only when my sleeping regime ruined so large that I already couldn't fall asleep for more then an hour. It felt terrible. Not only that it took me hours to fall asleep, I also woke up long before morning and could not continue. As a result I felt powerless all the time. I could no longer work normaly, or at least live normaly.
Depression took part only for few years, but few horrible years. In fact I had no objective reasons to feel badly, I had no serious troubles in my life that could lead me to this state, but nevertheless I was none the better for it. I just had no ability to feel happiness and suffered from this a lot. I tryed everything I could, made lists of things that could make me feel better, did them all - and with no result.
Once I thought that I'm coping. The feeling lasted for a few months, and I already began thinking that I'm done with the problem, but I was wrong. A few months passed with less or more acceptable level of life, but then I suddenly found myself back to the same web. A web of no mood, no happiness, full of causeless alarm and instant fear, also causeless.
I already wrote a blog post about my attempts to visiting a psychologist. It ended with no good result, may be I just got to a bad specialist. Not to write ewerything again - he just had his own vision of my problem that had nothing to do with reality. The main thought here is that if you have something wrong with hormonal balance - you need a doctor, not shaman with a tambourine. And my "psychologist' was the second option.
Onces I was watching a youtude video made by a woman who had the same problem like I did, and in the video she found a perfect description of how it feels:
-"If you don't know how it feels - being depressed - I'll tell you. Imagine that instead of a cat you have a fucking dementor as a pet. He follows you and sucks out all the good things. All of them"
That's a perfect description. And you feel like that not for a few days, but for a really long time.
I don't know what stoped me from visiting a real doctor so long. May be the feeling of shame.
The truth is that when you measure shoes in the shop only you know if you feel comfortable in them. Not the seller, not your friend or parents, or your children - you alone.
But when it comes to state like depression everyone all of a sudden think that they know better. You hear phrases like "Just do some sports", or "Everyone is sad, and you alone whine", or "You just have lack of events in your life". Seriously? I went to the gym, and I know that there are a lot of people in the world who have life worse then I do, and I have a lot of events. But all this didn't help if you really got a problem.
In our country it's also a shame to go to a psychiatrist. Or even to psychologist or psychotherapist. f you go to one of these you really quickly get a "batty" stigma. It really is a feature of the country, people here don't look for psychiatric care voluntarily. May be it's another reason that stoped me so long.
But when after a short period of remission my statement returned - I no longer cared. I asked my husband to find me a specialist, cause I could no longer love like that.
The noght before the visit was really nervous. I had no idea how to behave and what to say, I was really scared. But for no reasn, by the way. The doctor just asked a few questions, I told everything that disturbed me, and he diagnosed me and gave me a recipe to buy pills. I recieved two mild antidepressants and a sedative.
Now I take them only fr a week, so it's to early to talk about great results. The one thig I can say for sure - I finally can sleep! Earlier everything was so desperate that I even had disgust to my own bed. I was ready to fall from fatigue, but not go to bed, cause I knew that I will not be able to fall asleep anyway. Not things changed, really quickly. Well, I still stay awake till 3-4 a.m., but I can sleep after I go to bed.
And my mood is now evenly. I can't say that I already can feel happy, but at least I already don't feel horrible.
And that's a good start:)
Thank you for watching:)
Love, Inber
I'm happy to hear there atleast is a good start!
Someone I know took antidepressant medication for a while. It basically made him less depressed, because it made his emotions more flat. No real lows, but also no real highs. He recently went off them, because he wanted to be able to actually feel again. I'm not sure it was the best decision, because he's pretty depressed again.
It's really a horrible illness. I don't think I can say much to help, so I'll just say I hope you'll get over it!
I hope so too. To recieve ability to feel good emotions again is my main goal, but now I'm already happy that I can at least stay flat:)
Yes, flat is definitely a good place to start! I'm guessing once you have that as a starting point, it'll be easier to start feeling good emotions again once your dosage lowers :-)
Hang in there. It may take sometime. l will put you in my prayers.
My doctor says it'll take at least 4 months. Thank you for your support!
I have struggled with the same issues my entire life. In the USA there is s stigma to admitting or seeking assistance from someone. I let this stop me for years, but then things got so bad I said screw it and starting looking. I did eventually find a decent therapist and with medication I moved forward.
I work with people with all kinds of disabilities, and when appropriate I share my own story. In the past couple of years I have been working with youth and young adults. Most struggle with depression and anxiety...It has been an enjoyable journey as I watch them grow and prepare for adulthood in spite of their issues.
So keep on doing what works... ;o)
:)
Depression can tear you down. We all get depressed sometimes. Prolonged depression is what you need to stay away from. A great support system is fundamental during recovery.
Depression and "we all get depressed sometimes" are completely different things
Very good response. YES they are completely different things. It is what those who don't suffer from it cannot fully understand! Same with anxiety and panic attacks, both of which. I struggle with.
I can say you can have a very good life in spite of it... It takes work though., as you know.
Some people need to be educated and some will never understand it. At close to 65 years old i have learned not to let those who do not seem to get it, bother me.
You are on a good path now, from the sounds of it. My thoughts and energy are heading your way. Again great response to the comment above.
Ah, yes. I tryed to explain how I feel, but the one who don't know how is it can't understand. It's like trying to describe how is it to live with one foot to one who has both
You are correct. Sometimes I tell people that don't understand that it is like most people who have a down day, but multiply by 1000 or even 10000. Having a down day versus wanted to curl up in a fetal position and hide (and sometimes actually doing it) is a huge difference. ;0)
Yep, something like that (I hope I understood it correctly, engish is not my native)
As far as I can tell you are pretty good writing English. If you are not clear on something I wrote please ask. I will gladly try and clarify. What is your native language?
My native is russian, but I live in Ukraine so I also speak ukrainian:)
Use art as a way out it helps . Even when you don't feel like doing anything .
best to you