I Am The One I Warned You Of (Trauma bonding)

It was an Indian Summer, as they say. We had packed up or things and spontaneously taken off to a park in Texas for some camping. It was an amazing time and I was absolutely filled to the brim with some powerful emotions.

We were walking on a path in the summer Sun, the gravel underfoot and the palmettos beside the path delineated a picturesque pathway. We were discussing our pasts. I had recounted a negative relationship that had ended the year before, elaborating on all the ways that my (then) ex-girlfriend had made me feel guilty, not engaged, and not pulling my weight in the relationship.

She said to me, “If you’re ever in a relationship like that again, you need to get out. No one should treat you like that.”

Looking back, the completely crazy thing is: I did not heed this advice because it seemed honest, caring, and full of concern for me.

It turns out that she was the one she warned me of.

Narcissists know about what they’re doing to their supplier. They might even interject with some concern at some point. My narcissist said to me later on, “If I’m ever too much for you, will you tell me?”

The effect of this is double, and because it is double, it is insidious: by voicing her concern she makes it seem like she cares. This reinforces one half of the trauma-bond: I care about you.

The other half of the bond is made up of all the behavior that throws you into chaos. You completely suspect the opposite.

Imagine going furniture shopping with your girlfriend because you're going to be moving together. You're spending the day and having fun, planning your future and what all it will entail. “We’re going to move in together, we’re going to share a life…” This is a fantasy that you think both of you are participating in. And then, what if, while you’re driving from one furniture store to another, she makes some remarks like “I want you to do this to me (sexually). I want you to be everywhere inside of me…”

Now imagine if, not an hour after that, she says to you while driving: “We need to break up today."

How would you feel?

This example is based purely on my own reflection; what's important is your notice the strategy. This is trauma-bonding. She has built everything up and then taken it away in one instant: all for one purpose--to suit her needs.

This is what a covert narcissist does to hijack your sense of agency. They sow chaos. Absolute chaos. And you will do anything to regain your sense of balance when it happens: you will negotiate, plead, beg, whatever to make it stop. They have effectively lovebombed you and then walked away.

And what’s more is she actually warned me about it beforehand.