Here is My Mask, Now You Wear It, Too (Disclosure as it functions in a Narcissistic Personality)

Do you like your new look?

Under certain circumstances, a narcissist will disclose the piece of the past that they keep so guarded. Usually someone who develops a narcissistic personality disorder has a history of abuse or trauma that goes back to their childhood; the mask of their personality functions as a way to keep this/these traumatic event(s) at bay. Anything that triggers, especially accidentally, (catching them off-guard) will inflict a reactivation of the injury on them which will be grievous and their reaction will be severe--they may act out with rage or turn ice cold, withdrawing and inflicting a punishing silence.

However, disclosure of their past can act as a way to make you complicit in maintaining their image, their mask. This is something that I didn’t understand until I saw it all “go to shit,” as the kids say.

I could write a nice little narrative about what happened, but the long and short of it is that I didn’t realize what was happening and I made a mistake. I did not understand that through disclosing, I was effectively put in charge of managing her emotions. I did not understand that this was part of the idealization phase of the narcissist: she had built me up and then delivered her secrets to me. She had done this, maybe out of some sense of trust, but more to the point: we all know that, deep down, projecting an idealization on someone only leads to one thing: seeing that person inevitably fail to live up to that ideal.

And yet, this is not a sort of “let down” is not the normal transformation from goldenboy to normalguy who still loves you and makes mistakes. This was a transformative act on both of our parts: she had become cold, shallow, and irritable--maybe who she really always was. And it was all my fault. Or so i was made to believe.

There is no hope in regaining a lofty status (unless the narcissist bestows it), although this didn’t stop me from trying. I was even lead to believe that one day she “might” be able to trust me again. I frantically began to obsess about all the things that I could do to repair “my image.” I would spend my day trying to symbolically repair myself by walking the dogs, buying this or that, repairing furniture, cleaning, bringing her lunch...whatever. I was honestly a mess.

Part of the problem was that she had already checked out. She didn’t really even care that I was doing those things. She was already moving on to gaslighting me, devaluing me, so that she could move on to her next narcissistic supply. Ironically, this was her ex aka the former keeper of the mask. I have to kind of look back and acknowledge one thing I remember her texting me, “I want my old life back.” And because I was trying to get back to goldenboy status, I actually wanted to help her accomplish this. I was still enthralled.

You see, my problem was that I didn’t understand what was happening and why it was happening: I didn’t understand what happens when a narcissistic personality removes the mask they’ve been wearing (read: crafting) and reveal the real, wounded person that they are.

I didn’t understand that disclosure isn’t synonymous with healing on any level.

Maybe I was patting myself on the back too much, thinking, “Wow, she really trusts you like no other!” This is a lie. It is pure pragmatism. When the mask is removed, when the wound is disclosed, the mask is then handed to you: this is what you will wear forever or there will be hell to pay.